By Myself

I am tired and discouraged tonight. It has been a long day. I headed to Gladstone this morning early. I needed to go to DMV and make another try to get my drivers license renewed. This time I successfully completed the mission. I should be getting my license in the mail in a couple of weeks. The process seems to get more and more complicated. I hate to think what it will be like in another 9 years.

After that I headed to the church to tie up some loose ends there and sort through some music. I have to admit to feeling a little sadness that this chapter is over. I feel like so much of my life is in ending stages and so far I do not see any new beginnings. I think they will come, they just feel far away today.

Next I headed over to the parsonage. My associate pastor and his wife will be pulling out of town Sunday. So I went to offer a few hours of packing help. They are a wonderful young couple and having them here for the last year has made a big difference to me. They have been loving and supportive and have been an oasis of sanity when things got crazy. I was struck today as I was packing, how much I will miss them and how much I wish they were not going so far away.

From there I headed to Burlington for the big Wednesday night Family Dinner. It was very good to see everyone, but there are times like tonight when I feel very alone in the midst of my family. I stood there and looked around and realized that everyone would be going home with people who love them. I would be driving 2 hours home by myself , to an empty house and there is no one waiting for me who loves me.

I keep reminding myself that there are worse things than being by myself. I should know since I have experienced much of the “worse” over the last few years. But I have to admit that tonight I am lonely. I am sad and I am tired of endings. I am tired of saying good-bye to people that I love. I think this scripture expresses where I am tonight.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted” Psalm 25:16

I guess the bottom line is that God knows me and knows exactly where I am tonight. I do not have to pretend to be anything other than what I am. God loves me and He is sufficient for even this.

Just Connie