Spillover

Relationships are messy. They never fit in nice neat little containers and they seem to spill over with greater frequency than I would like. And that spillover is usually distressingly painful. Tonight I had a reminder of the painfulness of that spillover.

Years back when my husband of 21 years decided he was tired of me and wanted something new and different, my life blew apart at the seams. It was a life changing event in every aspect of my life. Social, professional, and even familial relationships were destroyed by a single act of will by a sinful selfish person. In the months that followed, his insistence on vilifying me at every turn became so destructive that I instituted a “no contact” policy. That policy protected me and offered me a safe buffer from the constant assault.

In the months after the divorce he filed suit after suit and in desperation I finally waived all financial support, all the retirement incomes and just retreated into a corner and asked to him to leave me alone. But he began to show up at family events, even when I asked that he not be there. I began to hold firm to my “no contact” policy and began to slowly heal.

I have successfully avoided him for over 10 years and for the most part I feel healed and confident. I felt that way right up until about an hour ago. I was talking to my son on the phone and he invited me to the upcoming baby shower. I was excited and chatting right up until he dropped the bombshell … his father and “the other woman” was going to be there. Immediately my throat choked up, the tears poured and I struggled to get a coherent sentence out of my mouth. I was absolutely horrified at my involuntary and unexpected response.

I hate that response. I have cried way too many tears over that man and his choices. I have to say that I am surprised at the rush of emotions, fears and the sheer assault that this brings to my sense of well being. I thought I had pulled it together a little better than this. I find that I am at a loss to know how to fix this. I do not have the wisdom or the strength to fix this myself.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7

I think all I can do is keep laying this down. I think I need prayer time and quiet time with God. I might not be able to fix this, but He can if I will allow it. So why do I find this so hard?

Just Connie