My living environment has always been important to me. I like to have a safe oasis to come to. Over the months since my husband left I have been slowly working on the house and making it more reflective of me, instead of us as a couple.
That means for the most part that I have been de-cowboying the decor. I have been taking down most of the cowboy and western items and putting them away in the attic. In it is place I have put up lace, throw pillows and even beaded curtains. I have unpacked some of my antiques and have even put my antique dolls out.
It is beginning to be a place that is feeling like home to me. It is a place that is uniquely me, a reflection of my tastes and activities. I think that is a pretty good feeling. I still have a lot to do. I have boxes to unpack and still have to organize my office and sewing rooms which are a disaster. But I will get there.
I will keep working on things and I will keep moving ahead. I will keep my eyes focused on the road ahead of me. I think it will keep me from wandering off the oath in despair. This is good therapy for me. It also helps create a home environment which blesses me every time I walk in.
“Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.” Psalm 84:3
Just Connie
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Finding Friends
I made a quick stop tonight to check on a friend who hasn’t been feeling well. That quick stop lasted and hour and a half. I love being with these people. They always raise my spirits and lighten my heart.
Tonight as I sat at the dinner table with them while they finished their dinner, I just enjoyed being with them. We talked antiques, we talked history, we talked families … we just talked. Nothing was earth shattering, but all of it was totally enjoyable.
When I finally tore myself away, I knew that I could have stayed and stayed and still not wanted to leave. I am comfortable around them at a deep level, but even more than that I think our hearts beat for the same things. We share a love of our families, our church, antiques and so many things.
Tonight I find myself very thankful that God has brought such wonderful people into my life. I needed friends. I needed people in my life that enjoy who I am, who share my interests and who have time for me. I think God will continue to knit our hearts together in the days ahead.
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.” 1 John 4:7
I think that this friendship is a gift from God. I love gifts. this will be fun to unwrap.
Just Connie
Tonight as I sat at the dinner table with them while they finished their dinner, I just enjoyed being with them. We talked antiques, we talked history, we talked families … we just talked. Nothing was earth shattering, but all of it was totally enjoyable.
When I finally tore myself away, I knew that I could have stayed and stayed and still not wanted to leave. I am comfortable around them at a deep level, but even more than that I think our hearts beat for the same things. We share a love of our families, our church, antiques and so many things.
Tonight I find myself very thankful that God has brought such wonderful people into my life. I needed friends. I needed people in my life that enjoy who I am, who share my interests and who have time for me. I think God will continue to knit our hearts together in the days ahead.
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.” 1 John 4:7
I think that this friendship is a gift from God. I love gifts. this will be fun to unwrap.
Just Connie
Monday, September 28, 2009
Still Sore
I am still sore today from my wood cutting trip on Saturday. I think that I sat for too long at the office this morning. But for whatever reason, I just know that I am considerably more stiff today than I was yesterday. With any luck this will be the worst of it and it will begin to let up by tomorrow.
So I have not accomplished all the things that were on my list at home today. Which means that I have even more to get done tomorrow. But that is probably a good thing. It keeps me busy and focused. That will leave less time for moping and sighing.
So I think I will open my bedroom window tonight so I can listen to the rain and feel the breeze. I will let a full night’s sleep refresh and restore me.
“I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit.” Leviticus 26:4
Just Connie
So I have not accomplished all the things that were on my list at home today. Which means that I have even more to get done tomorrow. But that is probably a good thing. It keeps me busy and focused. That will leave less time for moping and sighing.
So I think I will open my bedroom window tonight so I can listen to the rain and feel the breeze. I will let a full night’s sleep refresh and restore me.
“I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit.” Leviticus 26:4
Just Connie
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Sunset Friends
What a good evening. I headed out to my friend Diana’s to spend some time with her. It was a beautiful evening. The hills were hazy in the evening sunlight and there was a gentle breeze in the air. As I drove onto the farm the wild turkeys ran down the road ahead of me. There are 3 generations in this flock and they are pretty entertaining to see.
I hopped out of the car and went and help Diana hang her freshly laundered curtains. From there we headed out to the barn to mix the feed for the horses. Then we jumped on the tractor and headed out to the pasture with the hay and feed. As she spread the hay, I loved on all the horse, especially my Phil. I am in love with a gorgeous guy with big brown eyes and chestnut hair. It is such a joy to be with him. As I stroked the horse and leaned into him, the sun was just setting. I breathed deep of the glorious air and let peace surround me.
Afterwards we headed back into the house for “breakfast for dinner”. It was absolutely perfect. The food was great but the company was even better. It felt so good to talk and talk and talk. It is an amazing thing when God brings people into our lives that we connect with.
I think friendship is a precious gift. Tonight I am very thankful for the gift that God has given me. It is a good reminder that there are good things all around us. I just need to open my eyes and be willing to look for them.
“Seek good, not evil, that you may live.” Amos 5:14
Just Connie
I hopped out of the car and went and help Diana hang her freshly laundered curtains. From there we headed out to the barn to mix the feed for the horses. Then we jumped on the tractor and headed out to the pasture with the hay and feed. As she spread the hay, I loved on all the horse, especially my Phil. I am in love with a gorgeous guy with big brown eyes and chestnut hair. It is such a joy to be with him. As I stroked the horse and leaned into him, the sun was just setting. I breathed deep of the glorious air and let peace surround me.
Afterwards we headed back into the house for “breakfast for dinner”. It was absolutely perfect. The food was great but the company was even better. It felt so good to talk and talk and talk. It is an amazing thing when God brings people into our lives that we connect with.
I think friendship is a precious gift. Tonight I am very thankful for the gift that God has given me. It is a good reminder that there are good things all around us. I just need to open my eyes and be willing to look for them.
“Seek good, not evil, that you may live.” Amos 5:14
Just Connie
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Aging Myself
I am old ….. old and tired. I learned that about myself today. I spent the day splitting and stacking 3 cords of firewood. I did not know that I could have so many muscles that could all hurt at the same time. I think I am getting too old to do heavy work like that all day long. By the end of the day, I was rolling more wood than I was carrying. My arm muscles just would not lift another piece.
I came home and stood under a hot shower to help loosen my protesting muscles and spent a lot of time scrubbing pitch off of my arms and face. I have no idea how I managed to get so much pitch on face … but there it was.
The pitch came off but the scrapes and bruises did not. I look like someone beat me with a stick. I guess though that I did it all by myself. I had no idea that I was quite that clumsy, but the proof is right there in every scrape, cut and bruise. I have a feeling that they are the promise of more soreness arriving tomorrow.
But the soreness will not kill me. Perhaps it might even teach me something.
“In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Acts 20:35
Just Connie
I came home and stood under a hot shower to help loosen my protesting muscles and spent a lot of time scrubbing pitch off of my arms and face. I have no idea how I managed to get so much pitch on face … but there it was.
The pitch came off but the scrapes and bruises did not. I look like someone beat me with a stick. I guess though that I did it all by myself. I had no idea that I was quite that clumsy, but the proof is right there in every scrape, cut and bruise. I have a feeling that they are the promise of more soreness arriving tomorrow.
But the soreness will not kill me. Perhaps it might even teach me something.
“In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Acts 20:35
Just Connie
Friday, September 25, 2009
Today's Work
Busy, busy, busy … that was my day today. I jumped out of bed early this morning and headed up the hill to pick up a friend. Then we headed into McMinnville together. First we went to one of the rest homes where we have two of our shut ins. We visited for about an hour and then we headed to the store. Both of us did some shopping that we cannot do in Willamina. It was good to have company while I shopped. That is a very rare treat for me.
Then we headed out to lunch and spent a delightful hour enjoying each other’s company and eating some great Mexican food. I have not splurged on a meal out very often since I have been out of work. It was good to sit and just talk uninterrupted. After lunch we wandered back to the car and strolled through a couple of the little shops along the way. That really was a wonderful treat.
We had one more stop to check on another shut in and we then turned the car towards home. We got a lot done in just a few short hours. We also enjoyed each other’s company.
This afternoon and evening I scraped what I could reach on the fascia boards and painted the garage. I will have to put a second coat on and I will need a taller ladder to do the other sections. But at least it is a start. I heard the rain is moving in next week, so I have to get it done this weekend. I am out of wiggle room.
I am tired and ready for bed tonight. But it has been a productive day and that is very good. I need a good night’s sleep tonight. Tomorrow I am supposed to go with the Men’s group and stack firewood. Sigh ….. and then paint and scrape. It is going to be a long day.
“Finish your outdoor work and get your fields ready; after that, build your house.” Proverbs 24:27
I guess it is time to put my shoulder to the wheel and get to work.
Just Connie
Then we headed out to lunch and spent a delightful hour enjoying each other’s company and eating some great Mexican food. I have not splurged on a meal out very often since I have been out of work. It was good to sit and just talk uninterrupted. After lunch we wandered back to the car and strolled through a couple of the little shops along the way. That really was a wonderful treat.
We had one more stop to check on another shut in and we then turned the car towards home. We got a lot done in just a few short hours. We also enjoyed each other’s company.
This afternoon and evening I scraped what I could reach on the fascia boards and painted the garage. I will have to put a second coat on and I will need a taller ladder to do the other sections. But at least it is a start. I heard the rain is moving in next week, so I have to get it done this weekend. I am out of wiggle room.
I am tired and ready for bed tonight. But it has been a productive day and that is very good. I need a good night’s sleep tonight. Tomorrow I am supposed to go with the Men’s group and stack firewood. Sigh ….. and then paint and scrape. It is going to be a long day.
“Finish your outdoor work and get your fields ready; after that, build your house.” Proverbs 24:27
I guess it is time to put my shoulder to the wheel and get to work.
Just Connie
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Pretty Pony Friends
I have had a wonderful day. I spent the day with a friend and played pretty ponies with her horses. I brushed and combed and scratched and just enjoyed being with them. I walked around the 85 acres and was blessed with the beauty of the countryside. I watched the flock of turkeys running around and picked up tail feathers as I walked along.
I have always loved horses though I have not spent much time around them in the last 25 years. I did not even realize how much I missed it until today. At one point I found myself leaning my head against the neck of one very tall gorgeous gelding and breathed in his horsey scent and felt the sadness of the last few days just flow out of me.
One of the horses I met today was a beautiful 8 year old gelding named LA Philharmonic or Phil for short. Phil has been something of a problem child and has not always been nice to people. I was told that he really doesn’t take to people. For some reason Phil and I really hit it off today. As I introduced myself to him I was really drawn to him. He followed me around and would drape his head over my shoulder and nuzzle my neck. I had to laugh as he would lean himself into me. It was delightful to be with him, I wish I could see him every day.
I found today to be incredibly positive and healing. I had the warmth of friendship and good loving conversation. There was beauty all around me, wildlife and nature in all of its glory. And I had horses, beautiful, friendly and very horsey. And there was Phil, who was a balm to my unhappy heart. He liked me and that feels good. I liked him as well. You know it is a good thing he couldn’t fit in the car or I would have brought him home with me.
I am continually amazed at the diversity and wonder of God’s creation. Horses are incredible animals and today they blessed me, just by being horses.
“Then thundered the horses' hoofs— galloping, galloping go his mighty steeds.” Judges 5:22
Just Connie
I have always loved horses though I have not spent much time around them in the last 25 years. I did not even realize how much I missed it until today. At one point I found myself leaning my head against the neck of one very tall gorgeous gelding and breathed in his horsey scent and felt the sadness of the last few days just flow out of me.
One of the horses I met today was a beautiful 8 year old gelding named LA Philharmonic or Phil for short. Phil has been something of a problem child and has not always been nice to people. I was told that he really doesn’t take to people. For some reason Phil and I really hit it off today. As I introduced myself to him I was really drawn to him. He followed me around and would drape his head over my shoulder and nuzzle my neck. I had to laugh as he would lean himself into me. It was delightful to be with him, I wish I could see him every day.
I found today to be incredibly positive and healing. I had the warmth of friendship and good loving conversation. There was beauty all around me, wildlife and nature in all of its glory. And I had horses, beautiful, friendly and very horsey. And there was Phil, who was a balm to my unhappy heart. He liked me and that feels good. I liked him as well. You know it is a good thing he couldn’t fit in the car or I would have brought him home with me.
I am continually amazed at the diversity and wonder of God’s creation. Horses are incredible animals and today they blessed me, just by being horses.
“Then thundered the horses' hoofs— galloping, galloping go his mighty steeds.” Judges 5:22
Just Connie
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I'm Thinking
I am thinking tonight. I have been told that I think too much. Usually I do not see my thinking as a bad thing. I think self reflection helps keep me on track and helps uncover things I need to work to improve.
But sometimes my thinking goes in circles and by the end of the day I feel like I have painted myself into a corner. So tonight I am going to try to put some of my “thoughts” in some kind of order that will make sense.
9 years ago today, I married Gerrald with hope, love and belief in what we could build together in Christ. We had everything going for us. But he made choices that were both self destructive and destructive to our marriage relationship. He abandoned me, lied to me, stole from me and terrified me. I also realize that I cannot stop his drinking. I am not responsible for his drinking.
I grieve for the loss of what we could have had. But I have to face the fact his choices make a future together impossible for us. That reality is impossible to ignore. It is past time to look at it squarely and honestly.
My future stretches before me and I wish that it was different. But it is… what it is. I need to find the strength to meet it with grace and humor.
“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” 2 Samuel 22:33
That is a good reminder ... I am not doing this alone. It will be okay.
Just Connie
But sometimes my thinking goes in circles and by the end of the day I feel like I have painted myself into a corner. So tonight I am going to try to put some of my “thoughts” in some kind of order that will make sense.
9 years ago today, I married Gerrald with hope, love and belief in what we could build together in Christ. We had everything going for us. But he made choices that were both self destructive and destructive to our marriage relationship. He abandoned me, lied to me, stole from me and terrified me. I also realize that I cannot stop his drinking. I am not responsible for his drinking.
I grieve for the loss of what we could have had. But I have to face the fact his choices make a future together impossible for us. That reality is impossible to ignore. It is past time to look at it squarely and honestly.
My future stretches before me and I wish that it was different. But it is… what it is. I need to find the strength to meet it with grace and humor.
“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” 2 Samuel 22:33
That is a good reminder ... I am not doing this alone. It will be okay.
Just Connie
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Feeling Blue
I am feeling kind of blue tonight. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. When I mentioned it to my mother she asked, “Anniversary of what?” it kind of took me aback and I finally had to say, “I guess the anniversary of not much of anything.”
The more I have considered it today, the more it has saddened me. I cannot help but remember my wedding day. I was so happy and so excited at the miracle God had given me in Gerrald. We enjoyed each other so much. We were a very unlikely couple but I always felt that God had brought two lonely hearts together for a special purpose. There seemed to be such promise and potential spread out before us.
Now here I am just 9 short years later … alone …. in debt and heartbroken. I feel like a total and complete failure. It just seems that there must have been something that I should have done differently. There had to be something more that I could done to have offered better help or support to Gerrald. I do not know what that would have been. But how can it have failed so miserably when I love him so much?
I am thinking there is something in me that I am doing wrong, some hidden defect or personality disorder. What would cause one husband to turn to a girlfriend and another husband to turn to alcohol? My fear is that the problem is me, Usually I can keep that fear in control. Tonight it is gripping my heart with fresh tenacity.
I guess all I can do is to ask God to examine my heart.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23
God knows my heart, he sees my motives … I just hope I listen and learn.
Just Connie
The more I have considered it today, the more it has saddened me. I cannot help but remember my wedding day. I was so happy and so excited at the miracle God had given me in Gerrald. We enjoyed each other so much. We were a very unlikely couple but I always felt that God had brought two lonely hearts together for a special purpose. There seemed to be such promise and potential spread out before us.
Now here I am just 9 short years later … alone …. in debt and heartbroken. I feel like a total and complete failure. It just seems that there must have been something that I should have done differently. There had to be something more that I could done to have offered better help or support to Gerrald. I do not know what that would have been. But how can it have failed so miserably when I love him so much?
I am thinking there is something in me that I am doing wrong, some hidden defect or personality disorder. What would cause one husband to turn to a girlfriend and another husband to turn to alcohol? My fear is that the problem is me, Usually I can keep that fear in control. Tonight it is gripping my heart with fresh tenacity.
I guess all I can do is to ask God to examine my heart.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23
God knows my heart, he sees my motives … I just hope I listen and learn.
Just Connie
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Paint
I am learning lessons. I have to say that I would prefer to not learn most of these lessons, but I am learning.
Last month it became evident that I needed to scrape the trim on my house and repaint it. I say evident because a large strip of peeling paint feel on my head when I was getting into my car one day. I have to admit that my heart sank because it was yet one more of those tasks that my husband should do. But there is no husband to do it. So that means me. How hard could it be? Right?
The task seemed so big and so overwhelming, but I started scraping and when the task seemed too big God sent a friend to help me scrape. I really felt like I was beginning to get on top of this. And the today I went to Wal-Mart to buy paint. There are aisles and aisles of paint at Wal-Mart. Gloss, semi-gloss, flat, tinted, specialty paints … well more paint than I knew how to wade through. All I wanted was an exterior white paint. I have to admit that I left Wal-Mart without paint.
I stopped at the little hardware store in Willamina where I live. I stared at the paint for a while and then I squared my shoulders and walked to the cashier and told him what I was looking for. He walked me over to the paint and chose what I would need for the house. I was so relieved I could have kissed him. But I held myself back with a heartfelt thank; you thank you, thank you instead.
So now I have a gallon of white paint and I will probably begin painting sometime later in the week. I am sure that I will find all kinds of reasons to procrastinate. But the rain is coming and I have to get it done before the fall rains hit. I can hear the clock ticking for me. I must get it done soon. I just need to get started.
“May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands” Psalm 90:17
Anyone want to grab a paintbrush and meet me at my house?
Just Connie
Last month it became evident that I needed to scrape the trim on my house and repaint it. I say evident because a large strip of peeling paint feel on my head when I was getting into my car one day. I have to admit that my heart sank because it was yet one more of those tasks that my husband should do. But there is no husband to do it. So that means me. How hard could it be? Right?
The task seemed so big and so overwhelming, but I started scraping and when the task seemed too big God sent a friend to help me scrape. I really felt like I was beginning to get on top of this. And the today I went to Wal-Mart to buy paint. There are aisles and aisles of paint at Wal-Mart. Gloss, semi-gloss, flat, tinted, specialty paints … well more paint than I knew how to wade through. All I wanted was an exterior white paint. I have to admit that I left Wal-Mart without paint.
I stopped at the little hardware store in Willamina where I live. I stared at the paint for a while and then I squared my shoulders and walked to the cashier and told him what I was looking for. He walked me over to the paint and chose what I would need for the house. I was so relieved I could have kissed him. But I held myself back with a heartfelt thank; you thank you, thank you instead.
So now I have a gallon of white paint and I will probably begin painting sometime later in the week. I am sure that I will find all kinds of reasons to procrastinate. But the rain is coming and I have to get it done before the fall rains hit. I can hear the clock ticking for me. I must get it done soon. I just need to get started.
“May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands” Psalm 90:17
Anyone want to grab a paintbrush and meet me at my house?
Just Connie
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday Schedule
It has been a full day. I taught the adult Sunday School class this morning. It is one of my regular job assignments at Willamina and I love this class. We are studying Proverbs. There was great discussion and I have really enjoyed this series.
During service one of the congregation who just had open heart surgery asked me to sing while he played. It was How Great Thou Art. I love singing the old classic hymns. They just speak to my heart so deeply. It was a lot of fun and I love how people responded to it.
It was also my Sunday to preach… Yahoo! I have missed being in the pulpit every week. I will be preaching throughout the month of October, so I am really looking forward to that. I love preaching. When I preach there is such a sense of rightness for me. There is no doubt in my mind that I fulfilling what God has called me to. I stand there and feel the confirmation each time I preach.
After church, I went to a birthday party. It was chaotic and wonderful. We had an incredible meal and then played spoons. It was wild. I love to play. I really think that for most of us we do not spend enough time playing. I am always willing to jump into a game …. the sillier the better.
By the time I got home, I was beginning to drag. I realized that I had not exercised the dog all week and I needed the exercise worse than she did. So I brushed her out and grabbed the leash and headed out. We walked to the edge of town and back. The weather was perfect and I am very glad that I stirred myself to get out of move. It is good for both of us.
You know it dawned on me tonight that I am beginning to have more good days than bad days. There has been progress on the healing of my wounded grieving heart. I knew that the day would come and I so thankful to find myself here. The last 9 months have not been anything that I would like to experience again. But God has been with me every step of the way. There is not only light and hope at the end of the tunnel, I think I might even see the end of the tunnel ahead of me.
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” Philippians 12: 14
I need to keep looking ahead, I need to keep moving ahead. It is the only way to get out of the tunnel.
Just Connie
During service one of the congregation who just had open heart surgery asked me to sing while he played. It was How Great Thou Art. I love singing the old classic hymns. They just speak to my heart so deeply. It was a lot of fun and I love how people responded to it.
It was also my Sunday to preach… Yahoo! I have missed being in the pulpit every week. I will be preaching throughout the month of October, so I am really looking forward to that. I love preaching. When I preach there is such a sense of rightness for me. There is no doubt in my mind that I fulfilling what God has called me to. I stand there and feel the confirmation each time I preach.
After church, I went to a birthday party. It was chaotic and wonderful. We had an incredible meal and then played spoons. It was wild. I love to play. I really think that for most of us we do not spend enough time playing. I am always willing to jump into a game …. the sillier the better.
By the time I got home, I was beginning to drag. I realized that I had not exercised the dog all week and I needed the exercise worse than she did. So I brushed her out and grabbed the leash and headed out. We walked to the edge of town and back. The weather was perfect and I am very glad that I stirred myself to get out of move. It is good for both of us.
You know it dawned on me tonight that I am beginning to have more good days than bad days. There has been progress on the healing of my wounded grieving heart. I knew that the day would come and I so thankful to find myself here. The last 9 months have not been anything that I would like to experience again. But God has been with me every step of the way. There is not only light and hope at the end of the tunnel, I think I might even see the end of the tunnel ahead of me.
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” Philippians 12: 14
I need to keep looking ahead, I need to keep moving ahead. It is the only way to get out of the tunnel.
Just Connie
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Ministery to Others
There is nothing like ministry to get your mind off of yourself/ That would be true for me today. last night I was feeling rather sad and melancholy. Today, was a very busy day.
It began with a funeral this morning. I needed to make a potluck dish to contribute, so I jumped out of bed first thing and began cooking. Then I headed to the church to finalize the order of service, make sure the church was opened up and take a look at tomorrow’s service.
The service went very well. People lingered and there was good fellowship at the potluck afterwards. In many ways I think that is probably more valuable than the actual service. As people reflect and remember together, I think everyone is enriched and blessed. I think it is a time that knits our hearts together as we face the ugly specter of death and loss.
I came home and vacuumed and tried to clean up the house, but I admit that I was really dragging. I finally cooked some dinner and parked myself in the chair with my computer on my lap. I spent a couple of hours not doing much of anything, it was actually very nice.
At 7:00 I headed back to the church for prayer time. I love this time of praying through the church every Saturday night. It is a very small united group. It is just good to be with them. Tonight was a blessing and I feel energized and ready for tomorrow.
What I found as I ministered today, was the more I focused on other people, the less I focused on myself and my sadness. I think that is a very good thing. I think that might be an important to remember and take hold of as I continue to heal in the months ahead. I know that there will probably be more days of sadness, but there will be even more days of joy. I guess when it comes right down to it …. it is called life.
"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Ephesians 6:3
Just Connie
It began with a funeral this morning. I needed to make a potluck dish to contribute, so I jumped out of bed first thing and began cooking. Then I headed to the church to finalize the order of service, make sure the church was opened up and take a look at tomorrow’s service.
The service went very well. People lingered and there was good fellowship at the potluck afterwards. In many ways I think that is probably more valuable than the actual service. As people reflect and remember together, I think everyone is enriched and blessed. I think it is a time that knits our hearts together as we face the ugly specter of death and loss.
I came home and vacuumed and tried to clean up the house, but I admit that I was really dragging. I finally cooked some dinner and parked myself in the chair with my computer on my lap. I spent a couple of hours not doing much of anything, it was actually very nice.
At 7:00 I headed back to the church for prayer time. I love this time of praying through the church every Saturday night. It is a very small united group. It is just good to be with them. Tonight was a blessing and I feel energized and ready for tomorrow.
What I found as I ministered today, was the more I focused on other people, the less I focused on myself and my sadness. I think that is a very good thing. I think that might be an important to remember and take hold of as I continue to heal in the months ahead. I know that there will probably be more days of sadness, but there will be even more days of joy. I guess when it comes right down to it …. it is called life.
"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Ephesians 6:3
Just Connie
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Wedding
I went to a wedding tonight. It was beautiful. The bride was gorgeous, there were lots of friends and laughter… and yet I found myself struggling with a sense of sadness throughout the evening.
I could not help but think about my own wedding just 9 short years ago. It was such a beautiful day and our whole lives stretched before us with such great potential. I am sad at everything that was thrown away. I am sad that no one will ever gaze into my eyes with love and commitment again. I am grieved for the aloneness I see stretching out ahead of me.
I have to admit that it makes me feel kind of selfish to even admit that I felt sad at someone’s wedding. It just seems so very self centered. But I was and I am still feeling … well … I guess reflective.
Now what do I do with all of this emotion that will actually do me some good? To be honest I am not sure. All I know is that tonight I feel the loss and I am grieved. I guess that is just where I am. Selfish or not … here I am.
“But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:14
So I acknowledge this as part of the process. I will not always feel like this. I am “in process”. I will someday embrace this new life. But … not tonight.
Just Connie
I could not help but think about my own wedding just 9 short years ago. It was such a beautiful day and our whole lives stretched before us with such great potential. I am sad at everything that was thrown away. I am sad that no one will ever gaze into my eyes with love and commitment again. I am grieved for the aloneness I see stretching out ahead of me.
I have to admit that it makes me feel kind of selfish to even admit that I felt sad at someone’s wedding. It just seems so very self centered. But I was and I am still feeling … well … I guess reflective.
Now what do I do with all of this emotion that will actually do me some good? To be honest I am not sure. All I know is that tonight I feel the loss and I am grieved. I guess that is just where I am. Selfish or not … here I am.
“But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:14
So I acknowledge this as part of the process. I will not always feel like this. I am “in process”. I will someday embrace this new life. But … not tonight.
Just Connie
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A Gift of Friendship
I had lunch with a friend today. She is becoming more and more precious to me. I think that we are becoming real friends. That is a rare gift and I am very thankful for someone that I can be myself with.
We had an incredible meal in a very fancy quiet place that was fabulous. It was one of the best meals I have had in years. It was very, very good. Afterwards we wandered through an art gallery. I saw some beautiful pieces that really spoke to me. Of course they were several thousand dollars out of my price range, but it was a lot of fun. It has been years since I have done something like that with a friend.
It really brought home to me, how hungry I have been for a friend. I have missed the comfort of being with someone who knows me and allows me to be who I really am. And even more … actually likes who I am.
Tonight I have a renewed sense of God’s care and concern for me. How thankful I am for my friend who brought this lesson to me today. I am loved and I am so grateful for the reminder.
“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.” Psalm 52:8
Just Connie
We had an incredible meal in a very fancy quiet place that was fabulous. It was one of the best meals I have had in years. It was very, very good. Afterwards we wandered through an art gallery. I saw some beautiful pieces that really spoke to me. Of course they were several thousand dollars out of my price range, but it was a lot of fun. It has been years since I have done something like that with a friend.
It really brought home to me, how hungry I have been for a friend. I have missed the comfort of being with someone who knows me and allows me to be who I really am. And even more … actually likes who I am.
Tonight I have a renewed sense of God’s care and concern for me. How thankful I am for my friend who brought this lesson to me today. I am loved and I am so grateful for the reminder.
“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.” Psalm 52:8
Just Connie
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Another Day Done
Another day is wrapping up. This week is flying by. I do not seem to be getting as much done as I had hoped this week. But I guess that is not that unusual. I spent the morning at the church finishing up my sermon for Sunday. So it is now all ready to go. I love preparing for the sermon. It is energizing and exciting to me. I always finish it up with a thrill in my heart. I am so thankful that God has called me to this.
Mid day I headed back to Sheridan for another run at the cable company. I have spent the last month trying to get he account worked out. All I needed was to have my husband name taken off the account, but it seems that is not a simple thing. But I think perhaps I have actually solved it now. and they have turned my e-mail back on. I cannot tell you why they had deleted my e-mail but they had. I now have e-mail again and one of the TV’s have a menu display again. it seems they cannot fix the others until after the 22nd. I am so glad to have one that works that I will not argue.
Tonight I headed to the high school for the open house with the Widrigs. Gary introduced me to everyone and showed me around the school. It is the first time that I had ever been in the school. Gary has challenged me to become more involved in community events. So I went tonight and I joined the Booster Club and I will begin to involve myself in what is going on in the community.
The evening was wrapped up with prayer time at the church. It was a good time with precious people and a wonderful way to end the day. Now I am sitting here reflecting on the day behind me.
All in all, it was a good day. There was ministry, community and prayer and I even squeezed in some housework and some decorating. I have a feeling of satisfaction that I have done what I can today. There is plenty left over for tomorrow.
“That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.” Ecclesiastes 3:13
Just Connie
Mid day I headed back to Sheridan for another run at the cable company. I have spent the last month trying to get he account worked out. All I needed was to have my husband name taken off the account, but it seems that is not a simple thing. But I think perhaps I have actually solved it now. and they have turned my e-mail back on. I cannot tell you why they had deleted my e-mail but they had. I now have e-mail again and one of the TV’s have a menu display again. it seems they cannot fix the others until after the 22nd. I am so glad to have one that works that I will not argue.
Tonight I headed to the high school for the open house with the Widrigs. Gary introduced me to everyone and showed me around the school. It is the first time that I had ever been in the school. Gary has challenged me to become more involved in community events. So I went tonight and I joined the Booster Club and I will begin to involve myself in what is going on in the community.
The evening was wrapped up with prayer time at the church. It was a good time with precious people and a wonderful way to end the day. Now I am sitting here reflecting on the day behind me.
All in all, it was a good day. There was ministry, community and prayer and I even squeezed in some housework and some decorating. I have a feeling of satisfaction that I have done what I can today. There is plenty left over for tomorrow.
“That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.” Ecclesiastes 3:13
Just Connie
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Process
I applied for a job today! There just have not been that many jobs to apply for. This was one that was interesting and within my qualifications. I have peace that God will open the right door at the right time. If not this job, then it will be another one. To be honest I just have not really had any stress about this. I am intent on enjoying this time I have been given to the fullest.
I spent the afternoon puttering around the house. I did a little cleaning, a little organizing and a little rearranging. I am still trying to decorate my living space in a way that reflects me and not Gerrald and I. For the most part that means de-cowboying the house. It has helped me to replace some of the things that keep drawing my heart back to us as a couple. But I have found it to be a slow and somewhat painful process. But I keep plugging away at it.
The décor issue in my house reminds me that healing is also a process. I would like it to all be done in one big swoop, but it is a step by step, item by item process. So I will keep plugging away. One day at a time trying to move into the future that God is calling me to. That future might not be what I thought it would be … it might not even be what I thought I wanted …. but it will be what God is building out of the ashes of my life. It will be something strong and beautiful and new.
“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.” Jeremiah 33:6
There is healing for even me. I just need to remember the past, embrace tomorrow and live fully in today.
Just Connie
I spent the afternoon puttering around the house. I did a little cleaning, a little organizing and a little rearranging. I am still trying to decorate my living space in a way that reflects me and not Gerrald and I. For the most part that means de-cowboying the house. It has helped me to replace some of the things that keep drawing my heart back to us as a couple. But I have found it to be a slow and somewhat painful process. But I keep plugging away at it.
The décor issue in my house reminds me that healing is also a process. I would like it to all be done in one big swoop, but it is a step by step, item by item process. So I will keep plugging away. One day at a time trying to move into the future that God is calling me to. That future might not be what I thought it would be … it might not even be what I thought I wanted …. but it will be what God is building out of the ashes of my life. It will be something strong and beautiful and new.
“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.” Jeremiah 33:6
There is healing for even me. I just need to remember the past, embrace tomorrow and live fully in today.
Just Connie
Monday, September 14, 2009
One Small Boy
I found myself sitting on the roof today. I scrambled up the ladder to scrape the fascia boards. You know it always seems a lot higher up when you are on top looking down, than it does from the driveway looking up. What I found once I was up there was rather daunting. There was moss all over the roof. There was mold around the gutters and I just stood there on the peak of the house and looked around in total disbelief.
I slowly sank down, totally and completely overwhelmed. Tears flooded my eyes and I could not even imagine where I would begin. So there I sat, just staring at everything that needed to be done. At the peak of my despair I heard a voice from my driveway, “hey Connie, you need any help?” I warily peered over the edge and there was the neighbor boy. Marc is an 8th grader this year and he is my bike riding buddy. He will often invite me to ride or play games. He has been so good for me and yet I was so surprised to see him. I swallowed my pride and said, “yes, please”. he scrambled up the ladder and together we scraped and scraped. I spread detergent that is supposed to kill the moss and then we hung over the edge together and cleaned out the gutters.
Together we got it all done … well everything that could be done today. Now I have to buy paint and get the painting done. And I will have to sweep the moss down after it is dead, but it seems so manageable at this point. I can do this.
It is very interesting that I was completely overwhelmed and all it took was one kind willing heart to strengthen and encourage me. It only took us a couple of hours working together to get it done. Just one small boy that did a really big job. How grateful I am for his great big caring heart
“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35
This boy professes Christ in everything he is and everything he does. You know I think there is a lot I could learn from this young man.
Just Connie
I slowly sank down, totally and completely overwhelmed. Tears flooded my eyes and I could not even imagine where I would begin. So there I sat, just staring at everything that needed to be done. At the peak of my despair I heard a voice from my driveway, “hey Connie, you need any help?” I warily peered over the edge and there was the neighbor boy. Marc is an 8th grader this year and he is my bike riding buddy. He will often invite me to ride or play games. He has been so good for me and yet I was so surprised to see him. I swallowed my pride and said, “yes, please”. he scrambled up the ladder and together we scraped and scraped. I spread detergent that is supposed to kill the moss and then we hung over the edge together and cleaned out the gutters.
Together we got it all done … well everything that could be done today. Now I have to buy paint and get the painting done. And I will have to sweep the moss down after it is dead, but it seems so manageable at this point. I can do this.
It is very interesting that I was completely overwhelmed and all it took was one kind willing heart to strengthen and encourage me. It only took us a couple of hours working together to get it done. Just one small boy that did a really big job. How grateful I am for his great big caring heart
“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35
This boy professes Christ in everything he is and everything he does. You know I think there is a lot I could learn from this young man.
Just Connie
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Respite From Loneliness
I have really been struggling the last couple of days with loneliness. I try hard to keep myself busy and focused, but I still find myself kind of sad around the edges. I think it is probably to be expected as part of the healing process, but I really do not like it. I would love to find a way to completely snap out of this or maybe even bypass it completely. However, as I have said before I think there is value in the process itself. So it is important to not bypass it or short change it. it is what it is and I need to find a way to embrace it, learn and keep moving ahead.
This afternoon I had a respite from the loneliness. I had hitched a ride with a couple from church for the community picnic. We had a nice time together at the picnic and on the way home, we began to stop at garage sales. What fun it was. Besides the fact that I found some wonderful antique kitchen implements and even some depression glass, I just had such a good time with them. They are such fun and it was so nice to just relax and have fun with someone.
It brought home to me, how rare it is for me to “play” with anyone. I used to have all kinds of playmates. I had Gerrald, I had my friends from the Mission, I had people who would go and recreate with me. But, at this point in my life I really do not have any drop in friends. You know friends that you can just drop in on or who would just drop in on you. I have really missed that.
I really do want to develop friends I can be real with, friends I can be comfortable with, friends that will stretch me … friends who will love me. That is a pretty big order. But I want it so much.
I think to make a friend like that I will have to be a friend like that. I will have to work on that.
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
Just Connie
This afternoon I had a respite from the loneliness. I had hitched a ride with a couple from church for the community picnic. We had a nice time together at the picnic and on the way home, we began to stop at garage sales. What fun it was. Besides the fact that I found some wonderful antique kitchen implements and even some depression glass, I just had such a good time with them. They are such fun and it was so nice to just relax and have fun with someone.
It brought home to me, how rare it is for me to “play” with anyone. I used to have all kinds of playmates. I had Gerrald, I had my friends from the Mission, I had people who would go and recreate with me. But, at this point in my life I really do not have any drop in friends. You know friends that you can just drop in on or who would just drop in on you. I have really missed that.
I really do want to develop friends I can be real with, friends I can be comfortable with, friends that will stretch me … friends who will love me. That is a pretty big order. But I want it so much.
I think to make a friend like that I will have to be a friend like that. I will have to work on that.
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
Just Connie
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Reality
I have been working on projects today. Some of them kind of fun and some of them absolutely not fun. But what else is new?
One of the fun things I have been working on today is sewing up some dinner napkins for a wedding shower that I am going to tomorrow night. I have not done much sewing over the past few years. I always enjoy it when I do. Sometimes the effort of dragging everything out just seems too great. But I am glad that I am doing this for the shower. I hope that I will look for some other fun projects in the days ahead.
One of the absolutely not fun things I did today was spray the 5 wasp nests I found in the garage. None of them were very large, but all of them needed to be destroyed. So I headed to the hardware store and bought the “bee spray”. Tonight after dark, I went out and sprayed all of them. By tomorrow I should be able to scrape them down and clean up the mess.
As I was preparing to spray the bees, I was suddenly struck by how much I did not want to do it. I was flooded with such a sense of loss and loneliness. I should have a husband here to do these things for me. I should not be having to do this by myself.
But yet here I am … by myself. This is my reality, whether I like it or not. I am alone and I must learn to deal with bees, peeling paint, lawn mowers and all the other things I find that I resent facing alone. You know … sometimes reality stinks.
“Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?” Ecclesiastes 4:11
Just Connie
One of the fun things I have been working on today is sewing up some dinner napkins for a wedding shower that I am going to tomorrow night. I have not done much sewing over the past few years. I always enjoy it when I do. Sometimes the effort of dragging everything out just seems too great. But I am glad that I am doing this for the shower. I hope that I will look for some other fun projects in the days ahead.
One of the absolutely not fun things I did today was spray the 5 wasp nests I found in the garage. None of them were very large, but all of them needed to be destroyed. So I headed to the hardware store and bought the “bee spray”. Tonight after dark, I went out and sprayed all of them. By tomorrow I should be able to scrape them down and clean up the mess.
As I was preparing to spray the bees, I was suddenly struck by how much I did not want to do it. I was flooded with such a sense of loss and loneliness. I should have a husband here to do these things for me. I should not be having to do this by myself.
But yet here I am … by myself. This is my reality, whether I like it or not. I am alone and I must learn to deal with bees, peeling paint, lawn mowers and all the other things I find that I resent facing alone. You know … sometimes reality stinks.
“Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?” Ecclesiastes 4:11
Just Connie
Friday, September 11, 2009
Cleaning Day
It has been a house cleaning day. Everyone needs a few of those. I was past due for it. The cobwebs and dust seem to get ahead of me when I least expect it. Then of course there is the assorted pet hair of three very hairy house guests. In other words it is an ongoing battle.
So today I have vacuumed, dusted, drug out the shop vac, scrubbed the floors, cleaned the ceiling fans and tried to attack the muck wherever I found it. IN the process I found three wasps nests in the garage. Sigh … that is the kind of thing that I hate dealing with. But the neighbor man brought me down a tall ladder and tomorrow I will go and buy a chemical spray and I will get rid of all the wasps nests.
While I have the ladder I will also scrape the fascia board above the garage and then repaint it where the paint is all peeling off. Then I have some clean up painting to do, to fix some of the areas that Gerrald “worked” on in the past year. So I have a busy week of work ahead of me.
Of course I need to fit all that in around the meetings, the wedding, the funeral and other things that have to happen in the next week. It will all get done. I just need to keep at it.
So I find that I am tired tonight in a good way. I feel like I have actually gotten something done. Even though there is still much more to do stretching ahead of me. There is great satisfaction in what I have accomplished. So I think I will call it a night and head to bed. Tomorrow will be time enough to worry about what I still have to finish up.
“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest” Proverbs 6:10
Just Connie
So today I have vacuumed, dusted, drug out the shop vac, scrubbed the floors, cleaned the ceiling fans and tried to attack the muck wherever I found it. IN the process I found three wasps nests in the garage. Sigh … that is the kind of thing that I hate dealing with. But the neighbor man brought me down a tall ladder and tomorrow I will go and buy a chemical spray and I will get rid of all the wasps nests.
While I have the ladder I will also scrape the fascia board above the garage and then repaint it where the paint is all peeling off. Then I have some clean up painting to do, to fix some of the areas that Gerrald “worked” on in the past year. So I have a busy week of work ahead of me.
Of course I need to fit all that in around the meetings, the wedding, the funeral and other things that have to happen in the next week. It will all get done. I just need to keep at it.
So I find that I am tired tonight in a good way. I feel like I have actually gotten something done. Even though there is still much more to do stretching ahead of me. There is great satisfaction in what I have accomplished. So I think I will call it a night and head to bed. Tomorrow will be time enough to worry about what I still have to finish up.
“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest” Proverbs 6:10
Just Connie
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Bear Dog
My dog is driving me crazy. Some people would say that for me it would be a short trip. And for a change it is not my large sheepdog, it is my little 7 pound terrier that is pushing me over the edge.
Bear is a sweet 15 year old dog that has been failing in health over the past several months. He is losing weight, he is mostly blind, completely deaf and seems to be losing …. uhmmm I guess the best way to put it is mental acuity. In other words he is getting senile. That has not been too horrible for the most part, though it has been sad as I have watched his confusion.
However, he has developed a new behavior that I have no answer for. He barks and he barks. If I am getting ready in the morning, he is standing in the doorway barking at me. If I am working in the kitchen he is barking at me. The only time he stops is when I am holding him or if he has fallen asleep somewhere for a while. It would be funny, if it was not so unrelenting. He barks and he barks and he barks. Until I just want to scream “SHUT UP!” But of course I do not. First of all he couldn’t he hear me and second of all, I am not sure that he really knows what it is that he wants. He just knows there is something he wants urgently.
I know that this is yet another sign reminding me that these are his last days with me. I am hoping that he might make it another week or two. I realized today that he is not really happy right now. He does not seem to be in pain, but he is confused and unhappy most of the time. I do not want that for him.
Sigh …. it is such a hard decision. He has been such a sweet little guy and he has lived with me for 14 years. I can’t really bring myself to contemplate what it will be like without him. But I really want to do what is best for him.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1
Bear is a sweet 15 year old dog that has been failing in health over the past several months. He is losing weight, he is mostly blind, completely deaf and seems to be losing …. uhmmm I guess the best way to put it is mental acuity. In other words he is getting senile. That has not been too horrible for the most part, though it has been sad as I have watched his confusion.
However, he has developed a new behavior that I have no answer for. He barks and he barks. If I am getting ready in the morning, he is standing in the doorway barking at me. If I am working in the kitchen he is barking at me. The only time he stops is when I am holding him or if he has fallen asleep somewhere for a while. It would be funny, if it was not so unrelenting. He barks and he barks and he barks. Until I just want to scream “SHUT UP!” But of course I do not. First of all he couldn’t he hear me and second of all, I am not sure that he really knows what it is that he wants. He just knows there is something he wants urgently.
I know that this is yet another sign reminding me that these are his last days with me. I am hoping that he might make it another week or two. I realized today that he is not really happy right now. He does not seem to be in pain, but he is confused and unhappy most of the time. I do not want that for him.
Sigh …. it is such a hard decision. He has been such a sweet little guy and he has lived with me for 14 years. I can’t really bring myself to contemplate what it will be like without him. But I really want to do what is best for him.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1
I know … everything in it’s season. I am just not ready for this season yet.
Just Connie
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
A Pastoral Day
Today was a pastoral day. I spent the morning at the hospital with a parishioner who was having surgery. I love the opportunity to love on people at those moments of need. The hospital is a great place to not only love on people.
From there I went back to the church for a community pastor’s meeting. I always enjoy getting together with the pastor’s of other churches. I am just getting to know this group, so there is not the deep comfort with them yet. But I believe that it will come in time. I think I will enjoy the process.
Then I came back home hoping to rest, but it was not to be. I got a phone call form a pastoral friend who needed to talk through a family situation with an objective listener. I am so glad he called. It is such a privilege to be able to be a support and help.
Then it was time to eat and head back to the church for prayer time. We had a wonderful turn out for prayer. I am still finding my place among them and growing as I go. I think that God is stretching me in my prayer life. I want to grow and I think there is new understanding coming for me.
Looking back over the day, it was full but good. I could use more of these days. I think I will probably have more of these days. That is a good thing.
“Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” Psalm 23:6
Just Connie
From there I went back to the church for a community pastor’s meeting. I always enjoy getting together with the pastor’s of other churches. I am just getting to know this group, so there is not the deep comfort with them yet. But I believe that it will come in time. I think I will enjoy the process.
Then I came back home hoping to rest, but it was not to be. I got a phone call form a pastoral friend who needed to talk through a family situation with an objective listener. I am so glad he called. It is such a privilege to be able to be a support and help.
Then it was time to eat and head back to the church for prayer time. We had a wonderful turn out for prayer. I am still finding my place among them and growing as I go. I think that God is stretching me in my prayer life. I want to grow and I think there is new understanding coming for me.
Looking back over the day, it was full but good. I could use more of these days. I think I will probably have more of these days. That is a good thing.
“Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” Psalm 23:6
Just Connie
Last Night
I did not get home last night until midnight. I have to admit that I came hoe and fell into bed. I did not even think about blogging until my mother called this morning to find out if everything was okay. I always blog, so she was assuming disaster had befallen. I was able to assure her that all was well, I had just gotten home too late to blog.
I got home late last night because I was in a meeting in Salem. My Conference Superintendent had asked me to serve on the committee that basically is the budget and finance committee for the Conference. Last night was my first meeting with them.
The meeting was exciting. Now most people would probably say that 4 hours spent pouring over financial spreadsheets is anything but exciting, but I found the evening exhilarating. There were several things that pushed the “good” button for me. First of all, it was wonderful to see the scope of the conference ministry. It gladdened my heart to see how they supported local churches and wanted to be a resource to develop God’s kingdom.
Second of all, it was a blessing to see that they were careful stewards of what God has entrusted us with. They were striving to improve accountability and practices and were willing to examine ways that we could improve what we were doing.
Thirdly, this was an incredibly skilled group of people. These were business men with financial savvy. We had one man whose job is to create new accounting systems and spreadsheets form the ground up. Another man whose job was to tear part financial statements and find better ways or more accurate ways to present them. Everyone had a unique skill set to give a slightly different perspective.
I am very glad for the opportunity to serve and I found the meeting exhilarating. I was a happy camper as I rolled into bed last night. I think part of it is the joy that comes of helping in the area of our giftedness, but some of it is how much I have missed the broader scope of ministry. I am very thankful for this chance to serve. I think it will be interesting to see what God does in the days ahead with this group of people…. not to mention what He will do with me.
“This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.” 2 Corinthians 9:12
Just Connie
I got home late last night because I was in a meeting in Salem. My Conference Superintendent had asked me to serve on the committee that basically is the budget and finance committee for the Conference. Last night was my first meeting with them.
The meeting was exciting. Now most people would probably say that 4 hours spent pouring over financial spreadsheets is anything but exciting, but I found the evening exhilarating. There were several things that pushed the “good” button for me. First of all, it was wonderful to see the scope of the conference ministry. It gladdened my heart to see how they supported local churches and wanted to be a resource to develop God’s kingdom.
Second of all, it was a blessing to see that they were careful stewards of what God has entrusted us with. They were striving to improve accountability and practices and were willing to examine ways that we could improve what we were doing.
Thirdly, this was an incredibly skilled group of people. These were business men with financial savvy. We had one man whose job is to create new accounting systems and spreadsheets form the ground up. Another man whose job was to tear part financial statements and find better ways or more accurate ways to present them. Everyone had a unique skill set to give a slightly different perspective.
I am very glad for the opportunity to serve and I found the meeting exhilarating. I was a happy camper as I rolled into bed last night. I think part of it is the joy that comes of helping in the area of our giftedness, but some of it is how much I have missed the broader scope of ministry. I am very thankful for this chance to serve. I think it will be interesting to see what God does in the days ahead with this group of people…. not to mention what He will do with me.
“This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.” 2 Corinthians 9:12
Just Connie
Monday, September 7, 2009
Charlie's Walk
I share my home with 2 dogs and a bunny. I have a 15 year old terrier (Bear) who is mostly blind and deaf and I have a 120 pound sheep dog (Charlie) who is an ongoing source of amusement and consternation to me.
Charlie is a big hit with everyone she meets. She is a gentle giant and is kind of goofy. Yesterday one of the neighbor boys and his girlfriend walked down and invited her to go on a walk with them. I tossed them her leash and wished them well since it was pouring down rain at the time.
But their romantic walk in the rain turned into a nightmare. It seems that they ran afoul of a wasp nest. They ran into the river to get away from them. Charlie stepped in a hole and went down until she popped up swimming like mad. I am very glad that they did not let go of the leash in the chaos. They made it home and a quick trip to the hospital counteracted the scores of bee stings the kids received. Thankfully they will be fine.
Charlie seemed to be fine, at least I could not find any bee stings on her. But she was acting oddly. She moved stiffly and was shaking. I brought her in the house and toweled her down and worriedly began to watch her, wondering if I was going to be taking an emergency trip to the vet. I kept running my hands over her ears and stomach looking for bee stings and could find nothing. I finally left her curled up on the floor and went and puttered around in the other end of the house. I realized with a start some time later, that I had not checked on her in quite a while and rushed into the family room. The photo at the top is what I found. Not only had she moved her bulk to the couch, but as you can see, she had her head on the pillow.
I have to admit that I stood there and laughed. I was relieved to see her back to her normal self and it just looked so funny. She just rolled her eyes at me and snuggled back down to the pillow. I took pity on her and let her sleep on the couch. I decided that she had earned it after the walk, the run and the swim.
Tonight, I washed the muck off her and right now she is in “phase 1” drying in the bathroom. You know, having the dogs ensure that life is never boring around here. After a while I will let Charlie out to lay on a blanket in the family room for “phase 2” drying. It takes a lot of work to dry all that hair. But it will be so worth it.
I am very glad for all the love and laughter that the dogs add to my life. They truly are a gift from God. I have learned that you can never have too much laughter.
"God has brought me laughter" Genesis 21:6
Just Connie
Charlie is a big hit with everyone she meets. She is a gentle giant and is kind of goofy. Yesterday one of the neighbor boys and his girlfriend walked down and invited her to go on a walk with them. I tossed them her leash and wished them well since it was pouring down rain at the time.
But their romantic walk in the rain turned into a nightmare. It seems that they ran afoul of a wasp nest. They ran into the river to get away from them. Charlie stepped in a hole and went down until she popped up swimming like mad. I am very glad that they did not let go of the leash in the chaos. They made it home and a quick trip to the hospital counteracted the scores of bee stings the kids received. Thankfully they will be fine.
Charlie seemed to be fine, at least I could not find any bee stings on her. But she was acting oddly. She moved stiffly and was shaking. I brought her in the house and toweled her down and worriedly began to watch her, wondering if I was going to be taking an emergency trip to the vet. I kept running my hands over her ears and stomach looking for bee stings and could find nothing. I finally left her curled up on the floor and went and puttered around in the other end of the house. I realized with a start some time later, that I had not checked on her in quite a while and rushed into the family room. The photo at the top is what I found. Not only had she moved her bulk to the couch, but as you can see, she had her head on the pillow.
I have to admit that I stood there and laughed. I was relieved to see her back to her normal self and it just looked so funny. She just rolled her eyes at me and snuggled back down to the pillow. I took pity on her and let her sleep on the couch. I decided that she had earned it after the walk, the run and the swim.
Tonight, I washed the muck off her and right now she is in “phase 1” drying in the bathroom. You know, having the dogs ensure that life is never boring around here. After a while I will let Charlie out to lay on a blanket in the family room for “phase 2” drying. It takes a lot of work to dry all that hair. But it will be so worth it.
I am very glad for all the love and laughter that the dogs add to my life. They truly are a gift from God. I have learned that you can never have too much laughter.
"God has brought me laughter" Genesis 21:6
Just Connie
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Obedience
One of the really fun things I get to do at the Willamina Church is teach the adult Sunday School Class. We are working our way through the Book of Proverbs and it has been a great study. The discussion has been spirited because Proverbs addresses so many of the life issues we face today.
This morning we were still discussing Proverbs 6 and the list of things that God hates. As we explored the things that grow out of sin, God began to nudge me to share something a personal reflection from my life experience. I did not want to. There were all kinds of reasons why I did not want to. I do not like to talk about that era of my life and I am always aware that what I share could influence how people perceive me.
But there I sat knowing that God was asking me to do something that felt very risky to me. I began to share and the room got quiet. I tried to be positive as shared what it was like when my husband left me. As I finished a woman tearfully said, “You shared that for me. That is what I have been feeling and experiencing since my husband left. I needed to know that someone else has felt and experienced that”
My simple act of obedience had lightened her load this morning. I wonder how often that in my desire to protect myself, I am not obedient and I rob myself and others of the blessing God would have for us.
This morning was a reminder for me that God does ask for miracles from me, He just wants an obedient heart. I am so glad that God is patient with me.
“And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.” 2 John 1:6
I guess what it all comes down to is loving enough to trust … the song Trust and Obey comes to mind. I thin perhaps it is time to memorize those words.
Just Connie
This morning we were still discussing Proverbs 6 and the list of things that God hates. As we explored the things that grow out of sin, God began to nudge me to share something a personal reflection from my life experience. I did not want to. There were all kinds of reasons why I did not want to. I do not like to talk about that era of my life and I am always aware that what I share could influence how people perceive me.
But there I sat knowing that God was asking me to do something that felt very risky to me. I began to share and the room got quiet. I tried to be positive as shared what it was like when my husband left me. As I finished a woman tearfully said, “You shared that for me. That is what I have been feeling and experiencing since my husband left. I needed to know that someone else has felt and experienced that”
My simple act of obedience had lightened her load this morning. I wonder how often that in my desire to protect myself, I am not obedient and I rob myself and others of the blessing God would have for us.
This morning was a reminder for me that God does ask for miracles from me, He just wants an obedient heart. I am so glad that God is patient with me.
“And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.” 2 John 1:6
I guess what it all comes down to is loving enough to trust … the song Trust and Obey comes to mind. I thin perhaps it is time to memorize those words.
Just Connie
Saturday, September 5, 2009
A Day To Relax
It has been a relaxing day. I woke up to a steady rain this morning. The air smelled fresh and I curled up under the covers and enjoyed the sound of the rain on the roof. Eventually the dogs insisted that I get up and take them outside but it was very nice while it lasted.
I have spent most of the day puttering around the house. I listened to some great music, did some housework, cut and groomed my little terrier and did a whole lot of relaxing. it was a wonderful peaceful day. I even got the chance to talk to my sister on line and that was wonderful.
I headed to the church tonight for prayer time with the church leadership. It was a wonderful time. I am so thankful for the solid godly leadership at the Willamina Church. It provides a strong framework for all of us ministers. It is also a hedge of protection around the entire church. I am thankful for a church that prays.
Tomorrow will be a busy and full day, and I really want to be fully rested for the Sabbath. So I am particularly glad for this day of rest today. Days like this are pretty rare and I will enjoy the respite. I have a feeling it will be an interesting week.
“He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD.” Exodus 16:23
Just Connie
I have spent most of the day puttering around the house. I listened to some great music, did some housework, cut and groomed my little terrier and did a whole lot of relaxing. it was a wonderful peaceful day. I even got the chance to talk to my sister on line and that was wonderful.
I headed to the church tonight for prayer time with the church leadership. It was a wonderful time. I am so thankful for the solid godly leadership at the Willamina Church. It provides a strong framework for all of us ministers. It is also a hedge of protection around the entire church. I am thankful for a church that prays.
Tomorrow will be a busy and full day, and I really want to be fully rested for the Sabbath. So I am particularly glad for this day of rest today. Days like this are pretty rare and I will enjoy the respite. I have a feeling it will be an interesting week.
“He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD.” Exodus 16:23
Just Connie
Friday, September 4, 2009
An Unexpected Evening
I spent some unexpected time with friends this evening. It was so much fun. We sat and swapped stories, we went out for ice cream and we checked out the blackberries. It was not just refreshing, it was energizing.
It brought home to me, how little time I spend with friends. I did not even realize how much I miss it. The camaraderie and easy comfort of being with people who love you is refreshing to the soul.
I think perhaps I have spent too much time by myself. It is so easy to withdraw and hide when your heart hurts. But I think it is dangerous to be isolated at any time. Even more dangerous when sadness and hurt assail you at every turn. I think I need to spend more time developing friendships. That means I will have to push myself a little harder, reach out to other people a bit more and let go of the walls that have been isolating me. You know that sounds kind of scary, but really necessary. … I think I have some work to do.
“He will bring down your high fortified walls and lay them low” Isaiah 25:12
Just Connie
It brought home to me, how little time I spend with friends. I did not even realize how much I miss it. The camaraderie and easy comfort of being with people who love you is refreshing to the soul.
I think perhaps I have spent too much time by myself. It is so easy to withdraw and hide when your heart hurts. But I think it is dangerous to be isolated at any time. Even more dangerous when sadness and hurt assail you at every turn. I think I need to spend more time developing friendships. That means I will have to push myself a little harder, reach out to other people a bit more and let go of the walls that have been isolating me. You know that sounds kind of scary, but really necessary. … I think I have some work to do.
“He will bring down your high fortified walls and lay them low” Isaiah 25:12
Just Connie
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Long Day
I am tired tonight. It has been a long day. A good day … but a long day. I got the news that my husband is doing better and should be released to the rehab program soon. I was very glad to hear that. I have to admit that my heart is heavy at where he finds himself. However, I am glad to see him moving towards health.
It was also a day of meetings. Meetings are important, in fact they are a fact of life for any pastor. But sometimes they are sooooo draining. There is always the play of different personalities as you wade through the business at hand. Sometime the subjects are sensitive and you try to maneuver through without hurting others or causing unnecessary pain. All of it takes a toll on me. Some days it takes more than others.
To be honest I think the news about Gerrald is taking more of my equilibrium than I would like. And probably taking more of my energy than all the meetings I have been in this week added together.
I think it is time to straighten my shoulders, fix my eyes on the future and determinedly work for a new tomorrow. There is healing and hope to meet tomorrow with grace and strength. I just need to do it.
“All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” 2 Corinthians 4:15
Just Connie
It was also a day of meetings. Meetings are important, in fact they are a fact of life for any pastor. But sometimes they are sooooo draining. There is always the play of different personalities as you wade through the business at hand. Sometime the subjects are sensitive and you try to maneuver through without hurting others or causing unnecessary pain. All of it takes a toll on me. Some days it takes more than others.
To be honest I think the news about Gerrald is taking more of my equilibrium than I would like. And probably taking more of my energy than all the meetings I have been in this week added together.
I think it is time to straighten my shoulders, fix my eyes on the future and determinedly work for a new tomorrow. There is healing and hope to meet tomorrow with grace and strength. I just need to do it.
“All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” 2 Corinthians 4:15
Just Connie
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Moments
Moments frozen in time. You know those moments that we never forget. We can look back on them with utmost clarity. It seems like I have had a lot of those life snapshots over the past 9 months. This morning I had another one of those moments. My father in law called me. When I heard his voice my heart sank. I knew that his news would impact my wounded heart.
He shared that my husband Gerrald decided he needed rehab. He further decided to detox on his own. I have to admit that at that point my knees gave out, and I sank to the floor. After detoxing with him many many times over the years, I have a full understanding of just how dangerous alcohol withdrawal can be. I remember like it was yesterday a week long stint in critical care when I came close to losing him as he was detoxing. My father in law said that Gerrald called him and told him that he needed help. On the way to the hospital he went into convulsions. He has been in the hospital the last 3 days. Which would explain why I have not had a drunken phone call in three days, he was in the hospital fighting for his life.
He is making it through though and he is scheduled to go into a 6 month live in rehab program when he is released. They are holding a bed for him. They expect him to be released from the hospital sometime this week.
I find that I am a seething mass of emotions. I am sad, I am glad that he is looking for help, I am grieved over the choices that have brought me to this point once again. I am praying for him and I will faithfully lift him up over the months to come. I pray that he will find freedom from this bondage and new life in Christ.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
Just Connie
He shared that my husband Gerrald decided he needed rehab. He further decided to detox on his own. I have to admit that at that point my knees gave out, and I sank to the floor. After detoxing with him many many times over the years, I have a full understanding of just how dangerous alcohol withdrawal can be. I remember like it was yesterday a week long stint in critical care when I came close to losing him as he was detoxing. My father in law said that Gerrald called him and told him that he needed help. On the way to the hospital he went into convulsions. He has been in the hospital the last 3 days. Which would explain why I have not had a drunken phone call in three days, he was in the hospital fighting for his life.
He is making it through though and he is scheduled to go into a 6 month live in rehab program when he is released. They are holding a bed for him. They expect him to be released from the hospital sometime this week.
I find that I am a seething mass of emotions. I am sad, I am glad that he is looking for help, I am grieved over the choices that have brought me to this point once again. I am praying for him and I will faithfully lift him up over the months to come. I pray that he will find freedom from this bondage and new life in Christ.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
Just Connie
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Truthful Help
For all of us, there are times when we realize that we need some outside help. As I have struggled with the roller coaster of emotions of the past months I have come to realize that I needed some outside perspective. So tonight I met with a dear friend and counselor and poured my heart out. As I talked and cried, she listened and she lovingly gave me some stark truths.
I needed to hear what she had to say. I have to admit that I didn’t want to hear some of it, but it was important and I am very thankful that she was willing to say it anyway. It is a precious gift when we can be truthful with each other.
Too often we use the truth on each other as a battering ram, tonight the truth that was offered to me was a cup of cold water … sometime’s refreshing, sometimes breathtaking … sometimes … splashed in my face.
So I am still processing all that was given me tonight. I have to say that it resonated as right and true. I am grateful for a godly friend who was willing to speak truth and life into my heart tonight. There are answers and hope for me. I just need to look beyond myself.
“I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me” Psalm 16:7
Just Connie
I needed to hear what she had to say. I have to admit that I didn’t want to hear some of it, but it was important and I am very thankful that she was willing to say it anyway. It is a precious gift when we can be truthful with each other.
Too often we use the truth on each other as a battering ram, tonight the truth that was offered to me was a cup of cold water … sometime’s refreshing, sometimes breathtaking … sometimes … splashed in my face.
So I am still processing all that was given me tonight. I have to say that it resonated as right and true. I am grateful for a godly friend who was willing to speak truth and life into my heart tonight. There are answers and hope for me. I just need to look beyond myself.
“I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me” Psalm 16:7
Just Connie
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