Feeling Blue

I am feeling kind of blue tonight. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. When I mentioned it to my mother she asked, “Anniversary of what?” it kind of took me aback and I finally had to say, “I guess the anniversary of not much of anything.”

The more I have considered it today, the more it has saddened me. I cannot help but remember my wedding day. I was so happy and so excited at the miracle God had given me in Gerrald. We enjoyed each other so much. We were a very unlikely couple but I always felt that God had brought two lonely hearts together for a special purpose. There seemed to be such promise and potential spread out before us.

Now here I am just 9 short years later … alone …. in debt and heartbroken. I feel like a total and complete failure. It just seems that there must have been something that I should have done differently. There had to be something more that I could done to have offered better help or support to Gerrald. I do not know what that would have been. But how can it have failed so miserably when I love him so much?

I am thinking there is something in me that I am doing wrong, some hidden defect or personality disorder. What would cause one husband to turn to a girlfriend and another husband to turn to alcohol? My fear is that the problem is me, Usually I can keep that fear in control. Tonight it is gripping my heart with fresh tenacity.

I guess all I can do is to ask God to examine my heart.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23

God knows my heart, he sees my motives … I just hope I listen and learn.

Just Connie