I went to a wedding tonight. It was beautiful. The bride was gorgeous, there were lots of friends and laughter… and yet I found myself struggling with a sense of sadness throughout the evening.
I could not help but think about my own wedding just 9 short years ago. It was such a beautiful day and our whole lives stretched before us with such great potential. I am sad at everything that was thrown away. I am sad that no one will ever gaze into my eyes with love and commitment again. I am grieved for the aloneness I see stretching out ahead of me.
I have to admit that it makes me feel kind of selfish to even admit that I felt sad at someone’s wedding. It just seems so very self centered. But I was and I am still feeling … well … I guess reflective.
Now what do I do with all of this emotion that will actually do me some good? To be honest I am not sure. All I know is that tonight I feel the loss and I am grieved. I guess that is just where I am. Selfish or not … here I am.
“But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:14
So I acknowledge this as part of the process. I will not always feel like this. I am “in process”. I will someday embrace this new life. But … not tonight.
Just Connie
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