I walked out of the immunologist's office with a multitude of emotions swirling around me. The was a surge of joy as I thought about the possibility that I might not need to go back into gamma globulin treatment. There was fear, as I my mind warned me to not get my hopes up. There was discouragement as I realized that more tests, more time still lay ahead of me before there would be answers for me.
As I have tried to sort all of this out today, I have realized that I am exhausted. Both mentally and physically I am tired, tired, tired. I am tired of the constant fight to be healthy and well. I am tired of the things that I have lost in the fight, time, money and energy. I am tired of arranging my life around my illness. I am emotionally discouraged from my weekend phone call and a vague sense of guilt that I am tired and discouraged tonight.
It occurs to me that if I was anyone else but me, I would say, rest, restore and feel the feelings. There are things to learn from what I am feelings and what I am facing. If I was anyone else but me I would not be beating them up for what they are feeling. But it also occurs to me that sometimes emotions lie.
So tonight I will go to bed early if the steroids will let me and let God speak peace to my heart.
It is a good thing God's grace is much more dependable than mine.
Just Connie
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