The Call

I struggled to keep my voice steady as I wiped tears from my face. But I could hear the break in my voice that told the caller on the other end that I was crying. It was not long before we were both crying as he continued to tell me the "news". I was crying from the hurt and anger I was feeling, he was crying because he hated hurting me.

As we ended the phone call, I laid my head down on my steering wheel. I could feel discouragement filling me as I reflected on everything that had been said. The unjustness of it cut deeply as I thought of the possible ramifications of all the choices that lay ahead of me. Knowing that I did not want to make a decision when emotions were running so deep, I started the car and headed home.

At home I tossed and turned as I tried to get to get to sleep, but my caller's words kept coming back and running circles in my head. I punched the pillow in frustration as I tried to make it a shape that would accommodate my aching head. As I laid back down, I sent up a quick prayer for peace and for God's perspective on an issue that was way too personal for me to be objective. And finally I slept.

Now I am several days past the "phone call". And yet I am still feeling the tug of discouragement lurking around the edges. I still have not decided what to do with the information that was shared with me. I know that I will have to make a decision at some point this week. I am still praying for peace and still seeking God's perspective and heart on a complicated problem.

Getting bad news is part of a pastor's life. Getting bad news and hearing that someone thinks I am the problem is fairly rare. Incredibly rare since I have moved to Willamina and been assigned to the Church here. I am thinking I am out of practice because in Portland it was not all that uncommon. I guess the trick is in how I handle it. Scripture tells me to pray for those who despitefully use me, to be loving and kind.  When everything in me, just wants to go to bed and ignore it.

Everything in me wants to have a reset button to 3 days ago, before I knew this. But yet here it is ... it is there like an ugly gaping wound. And I am feeling the pain of the wound ... I think ... I think ..... I think  need more time.

God's heart ... God's perspective ......

Just Connie