The Ash Heap

I mailed the separation papers to my husband today. I sent it by registered mail so that it would count as “being served” without hiring a process server to go and give them to Gerrald. I have found this whole thing to be a rather overwhelming process. I am doing it myself and not using an attorney. The people at the court house have been very kind and keep explaining to me what the next step is I need to do. They even went over all my paperwork to make sure that it was filled out correctly. My goal each time is to get out of the courthouse without crying. So far I have not met that goal. But next month I will be back and I will try again.

It is an odd feeling to be summing up a relationship in such a businesslike and legal way. This process might legally separate us and our assets (what assets?) and bring me protection, but it does not separate me from my memories, from my hopes, my dreams or from the crushing feeling of loss.

I considered my marriage to be a miracle, a special gift from God. Here is that gift now … a heap of ashes on the floor.

Today, I am having trouble holding onto the knowledge that God does his best restoration work in the ash heap. I know it, but I do not feel it. I think I will give myself permission to let that be okay for now. I will keep acting in knowledge until my heart catches on.

“…the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:6

I need to remember that this is not the end. There is life ahead. That is the real gift that I am given. And that is something that no one can take from me.

Just Connie