Cry Day

I cried today. I guess that is not that surprising, but I was trying so hard to not cry. I sometimes feel that I do too much crying and not enough getting angry. Too often I am a conflicting mass of emotions and the emotions I am having I think I should not be feeling. See it doesn’t even make sense when I say it. No wonder it doesn’t make sense when I feel it.

My husband called me today. He told me that he had a down day yesterday. I told him that I knew how that felt. He told me that he missed me. That was the point that I was suddenly slammed with a flood of emotions. I found that wanted to tell him that I hated life without him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him … that I missed him every moment of every day. I tried to superimpose the image of me finding the bottles in the yard Friday … or of me standing before the church congregation and trying to explain to them where the Pastor’s husband was. I ended up saying nothing. I just cried.

The reality is that those things I was feeling are true …. well they’re true when he is not drinking. I do not miss the man he becomes when he drinks. I do not miss the chaos of life with an alcoholic. I do not miss the fear, the hurt … the never ending roller coaster. I do not want to go back to the fear and uncertainty. Never again, never again.

“Continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel” Colossians 1:23

I shall not be moved.

Just Connie