Night Time

I am curled up in the recliner in my jammies, the dog is curled up on the couch, Bubba Bunny is tearing around the room trying to get the dog's attention and the fire is taking the chill off the night. It is a beautiful evening.

I love this quiet time of the night. There is a feeling of peace that I often find to be missing. The animals bring me endless amusement and such a feeling of unqualified love. I am very thankful for them. They do a lot to fill up the lonely spots.

In a few minutes I will walk around the house blow out the candles, turn off the lights and check the locks. My sheep dog Charlie will follow me around from room to room unless I take too long and then she will stand in the bedroom door and bark at me. When I eventually climb into bed, get the covers and pillows situated just right, I will pick up my book and then lay back on the pillows. The second my head hits the pillow Charlie will jump up and join me on the bed. She will lay with her head on my chest while I read and scratch her head.


All in all a good night, a peaceful night. I think I will enjoy it.

"For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest" Job 3:13

Just Connie

1st Sunday of Advent

This is the first Sunday of Advent. It is the first year that I have not had an advent wreath up at my house. I have always loved Advent. I love the ritual and the opportunity to draw the family together to reflect on Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. But this year is so different. I do not think I am ready to try to light the advent wreath every week by myself. Even though it has been meaningful in the past, everything feels different when it is just me by myself and it just seems kind of sad. So the Advent Wreath remains packed away this year.

I am still struggling with what to do about Christmas decorations. I have considered putting up one of my small trees and none of the other decorations. I have considered just putting my nativity sets out. And I have considered doing nothing at all. Right now I am leaning towards nothing at all.

It seems like a lot of effort to go through when there is no one to share it with. I am not expecting to do any holiday entertaining and my heart is really not with all of the hoopla this year. In fact I am just trying to survive this holiday season without curling up in a catatonic ball or having a screaming fit.

I have no doubt that I will make it through this. I will not always feel this sad. I will not always feel such an acute loneliness. But for me I think the season will not so much be a celebration but sheer "grin & bear it".

Perhaps it will be a good time to focus on what really matters ... family .... friends and ministry. Perhaps it can be my chance to really focus on the the "Reason for the Season". Perhaps it will be my chance to grieve the losses in my life and begin to rebuild for the future. Perhaps ....

Just Connie

Odd Couple

Since my dog Bear has died my sheep dog Charlie and my rabbit Bubba have been carrying on this mutual admiration society. I noticed it the first day we got back. I walked into the family room and there was Charlie licking the rabbit. The rabbit was curled up and seemed to be absolutely happy to be soaking wet. I even walked over and told Bubba that maybe Charlie was "tasting" him. But that didn't seem to phase either one of them.

Since we have been back I have come across them at various times at it again. Sometimes I just notice a soaking wet bunny hopping by, other times I actually see Charlie grooming the bunny. It seems to be important to them. For some reason they are connecting in what seems to me to be a very odd way.

The reality is that they are connecting. As odd as it seems and as odd a pair that they are ... they are connecting. It reminds me that we all need to connect with people in ways that are meaningful to us. In the same way that Charlie and Bubba Bunny are seeking each other out, I need to continue to seek out others. It will help to give me strength for today and hope for tomorrow. It will help chase the cobwebs of sadness and loneliness away.

I need to commit to looking for ways to connect with others. That feels a little scary but I guess if a rabbit and a sheepdog can do it than I can do it as well. I can do this ... well as long as there is no licking involved.

"I am a friend to all who fear you" Psalm 119:63

Just Connie

Joy Time

I got to see my daughter, Joy today! That is always a special day for me. I have really missed her and I was disappointed when I was unable to go down and spend the day with her in Eugene. But today she and her boyfriend Jarrod drove to Portland to see us at the hospital.

I think it was good for her to get the chance to see her grandfather. I know that it meant a lot to him as well. He loves to have his family around him. I have been so thankful for our strong loving family through these past 2+ weeks. It strengthens all of us and it is such an incredible blessing when life gets difficult.

When we left the hospital I met my daughter and her boyfriend for lunch. I had the best time with them. I wish that I had the chance to spend more time with them. They are talented and funny and interesting and just plain fun to be around. I always enjoy spending time with them.

So as I sit here tonight and reflect on the day, I am very glad for my daughter Joy and her boyfriend Jarrod. I am thankful for who they are, thankful for their healthy relationship and thankful that they can squeeze me into their busy calendars once in a while. I relaly look forward to getting to know them better.

"Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home." Genesis 31:55

Just Connie

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, a day to be thankful to eat traditional meals and gather with friends and family. For me today was not a traditional Thanksgiving Day.

Mom and I headed to the hospital early this morning to be with dad. We found him in good spirits. He is doing better each and every day. I have so much to be thankful for in his continued recovery. What a wonderful blessing it is.

I spent the day watching football, working on my sermon and just enjoying being with my family. My little sister popped in mid day and tonight my nephew's family stopped in. How grateful I am for a family that loves and supports each other. I know that mom will have plenty of support in the days ahead as Dad continues to recover. Yet two more things to be thankful for.

We were surprised by a special Thanksgiving meal from the hospital, complete with pumpkin pie. I truly thought we would be eating our Thanksgiving meal around the vending machine. That is yet another thing that I have to be thankful for today.

I am thankful for a thankful heart tonight. For the opportunity God has given me to stop and count my many blessings. In fact the count goes on .....

“O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.” Psalm 30:12

Just Connie

Thanksgiving Eve

Well here I sit contemplating a very different Thanksgiving coming up tomorrow. For the last 10 years I have been at the Mission. As you can imagine it is a very big day with hundreds of hungry homeless and over 100 volunteers coming in to help. Then there is the media and news crews that need to be escorted around. Thanksgiving was a very long, very busy day for me.

This year I will not be at the Mission. That was already a huge change. I will also not have a husband. That is a huge gaping aching hole in my holiday, but I was really looking forward to spending this Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in a decade. Then Dad was hurt. Family plans came to a screeching halt. I decided that I will spend the day at the hospital with mom and dad. I am very grateful that I will be able to be with them. Though it will be very different than I had imagined my Thanksgiving to be.

It makes me stop to reflect on what Thanksgiving is. There will be no turkey with all the trimmings for me, there will be no pumpkin pie to finish off the meal. In fact the hospital cafeteria is closed and we will be scrambling to find a vending machine tomorrow. But I am reminded that Thanksgiving is not about what I eat, it is about what I am thankful for. I do have things to be thankful for. Here are a few that come to mind tonight.

• Mom and Dad
• Dad's Recovery
• My Children
• My Friends
• Ministry
• Roof Over my Head
• Pets who Love Me
• God's Grace
• God's Love
• Hope for Tomorrow

The truth is that tomorrow is about love and relationships, not the traditions of what and where I eat. I am so very grateful for everyday that I have to spend with my parents. It is an incredible blessing and gift. I can't ask for more than that. Tomorrow will truly be Thanksgiving for me.

"Let us come before him with thanksgiving" Psalm 95:2

Just Connie

Pet Brains

An odd thing happened today. It was bath day for Charlie my sheep dog. If you want to get a clearer idea of what bath time is like you can read about it in my March 12th blog. It is a major undertaking at anytime. Unfortunately today I think her brain got wet in the process of her bath because she seems to have totally lost her mind.

Since I let her out of the flooded bathroom, she has been tearing around the house like a possessed beast. Currently she is spring boarding off the couch and running in circles int he family room. That is a pretty good undertaking when a 120 pound dog is leaping around in a room the size of a postage stamp without breaking anything. Every once in a while she would take a break from that and stand in front of me and bark. I am not sure exactly what she was saying, but I am pretty sure it was not complimentary. She would then go back to running in circles only slowing down to stop and shake water all over me.

I have never seen her quite this exuberant after a bath. I finally gathered her big furry face between my hands and gazed deeply into her brown yes and said, "I think your brains turned to mush during your bath." She immediately started hopping up and down like a bunny rabbit. I am pretty sure that she was in total agreement with me.

Now hours later she is still acting goofy. Hopefully by morning her brains will have dried out and things will be back to normal. Well as normal as they get around here.

Just Connie

Today's Sadness

I am tired inside and out. I think I am having a natural emotional reaction to the horrific events of the past weeks. But natural or not I am struggling tonight. I am surrounded by such a sense of sadness and loss. It permeates everything I do. It saps my strength and energy and feels as if I am carrying around a 100 pound weight.

I guess it is natural to feel sadness. There has been such terrible losses in the past year. My husband left, Grandma died, my best friend died, I lost my job, Dad’s accident and then Bear’s death. Anyone of those would have generated sadness on their own. But to have all of them happen in just 11 months …. well it sometimes is a flood that threatens to sweep me off my feet.

So where do I go from here? I am not entirely sure. I cannot see the path clearly at this point. But I think that is okay. I need to let it be what it is. The path will become clear as I keep moving ahead. I do not know what tomorrow holds but God does. That is enough for today.

“I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." 1 Samuel 1:16

Just Connie

It's Sunday

It has been a busy day, It’s Sunday so I had a class to teach and then of course church service. Afterwards I headed home to do my cooking for the big Thanksgiving dinner at the church.

I spent the afternoon cooking and watching TV. What I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. But I made it through and headed back to the church to set up for the dinner.

The dinner went very well. We had over 150 people there. Everyone seemed to have a good time and we had plenty of food. Food is always a good thing, It goes a long way to build bridges. Afterwards everyone lingered and talked and visited. That was really enjoyable. Then we spent about an hour and a half cleaning up and putting the church back together again.

On my way home I talked to mom and I got a good update on dad. He had a good day and there continues to be small improvements. I am hopeful that he will make a good recovery. I know that the family will continue to pull together and do what we can to help each other and my mother through this event.

So here I sit reflecting on the day that is quickly drawing to a close. It was full and busy and I am thankful for ministry, fellowship and family. God is good.

Just Connie

“May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” 2 Corinthians 13:14

Un-Bearable

Pet’s have always been an important part of my life. I have had sheep, dogs, cats, gerbils, hamsters … well you get the idea. I have loved each and every one of them fiercely. Each of them have had unique personalities and taught me different things.

For the last 16 years, I have shared my house and my home with a small black terrier named Bear. He was blessed with a sunny disposition and not a lot of smarts. But it was impossible to not love him. Everyone he met was charmed by his bouncy good natured doggie self. I taught him a bevy of tricks which he would amaze and astound people.

Over the last year his health really began to fail. He was mostly blind and deaf and in the last 6 months was beginning to be confused. But he retained his sweet disposition and most people thought he was much younger than he was.

Last night about 2:00 in the morning he had a major stroke and he passed away on my lap at the vet’s office later in the morning. I admit that I am having trouble wrapping my mind around this loss. Bear has been such an integral part of my life for 16 years that I do not fully understand what it will mean to have him gone. I know that normally as I write this he would be curled up alongside me, hugging the warmth of the fan from the laptop … but when I look down now, there is just emptiness there.

My heart is sad and I do not think I want a house that is “un-Bear-able”. But yet here I am, yet another new chapter begins. I am not sure that I like this book.

“Anyone who is among the living has hope —even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!” Ecclesiastes 9:4

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 7

Life at the hospital is so different than life anywhere else. It is like visiting a far and distant foreign land. Over the years I have learned to speak the language fairly well, but it is still very much a foreign land.

As a pastor I am in and out of hospitals all the time. The one you find out fast is that it is different when it is your family member. This past week has been exhausting, frightening and somewhat disorientating. Even though I have worked hard to eat right, get adequate sleep and take care of myself. I can feel the toll it is taking on my emotions and physical body.

Tears lurk just under the surface, emotions run high and tolerance runs low. The trick through all of this is to find balance. The kind of balance that will keep you on the path when you are rocked by the various “slings and arrows”. Because enough slings and arrows can drive you off the path completely. I do not want that to happen to me.

“In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” Ephesians 6:16

I am working hard trying to be a blessing to the family. I am trying to run interference for my mother and take some of this incredible burden and hurt from her when I can. This has been a horrible awful experience, interspersed with moments of beauty and joy. I am still confident that God will bring us through. What kind of journey it is will be up to us.

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 6

Dad is better tonight. In fact all in all it was a much better day. He was not so agitated, combative and unhappy. That alone made it a much better day for everyone. It was a direct answer to prayer and I am very thankful for the respite.

The day began with the discovery that there had been a fluid build up around his lungs. So he was taken down to surgery where he had a chest tube put in which drained off all of that excess fluid which was compressing his lung function. He is breathing more easily and that is another thing to be thankful for tonight.

Dad’s brother came to see him today and dad said his name very clearly when he walked in. That was pretty exciting. There were several times today that he said words clearly. Not many but several. Each word filled us with renewed hope for the possibility of recovery for him. Yet one more thing to rejoice in and be thankful for.

I have a renewed sense of thankfulness tonight. In the midst of crisis, God is still working. He has not forgotten us nor abandoned us. Tonight I am resting in that awareness and letting it wash through me. It will chase the cobwebs of discouragement out and let the light of Christ’s love overwhelm the darkness of despair.

“You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 5

Today was challenging, heartbreaking and just plain hard. Dad was agitated and very unhappy. He seemed to have lost a lot of ground today. We spent most of the day trying to hold him down and keep him in bed. Even though he was in restraints, he kept wiggling out of them. Nothing we said made any difference and we told him over and over he was in the hospital and could not get out of bed.

Holding him down only made him angrier. I was pushed away many times and one time even backhanded. That was so shocking that it was hard to process. My father is one of the gentlest men I have ever known. It is so out of character and so alien to who he is and how he treats his daughters. And it just broke my heart. I spent much of the day, holding his hands down and crying while I did it.

But what really did me in is when the muscle cramps began in his legs tonight. I was already exhausted from a long hard day. Dad would moan and writhe on the bed in such horrible pain. I ran to get a nurse and some medication for him, but I could not stand to see him in such pain. I just wanted to somehow find a way to make it better for him. It was dreadful to be so helpless.

My mother has been incredible through this. It is hard and she just keeps going and takes it as it comes. She has every doubt and fear that I have faced and she stands strong. She is a living testament to God’s grace in action. I am trying hard to run interference and take some of the stress from her, but I do not think I am doing that well.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will get up with renewed energy and fresh hope to meet the day. I am very thankful for a God that never runs out of energy, wisdom, peace or love and has the grace to dispense them to His people. I have never needed them more.

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope” 2 Thessalonians 2:16

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 4

Here I sit at the end of a very long day looking back on what has happened. There was good news and other news. I refuse to look at any of it today as bad news. It was news that informed us and that is okay.

Dad continues to make some improvement. He was moved out of ICU tonight and moved into an intermediary care room. It is amazing how good overall he is doing. His blood pressure has stabilized, his incision on his head looks wonderful and all his tubes and wires were busy doing what they were designed to do.

On the plus side, he has had all of the wires removed from his head. Now he only has his feeding tube (he cannot swallow) and the tube that is draining excess fluid from his surgical area where the massive hematoma was. I expect that to be removed at any time now. He is also obviously responsive. To people visiting, to nurses, he told mom today that he loved her. You could understand what he said. It was incredible. I also clearly heard him say yes tonight. Those small victories are worth celebrating.

On the “other” side, he still cannot communicate and that really frustrates him. I noticed that by tonight he was trying less to speak. I am hoping that the therapist tomorrow will give us some guidance to know how to go. This is all new ground for me and I know that it is for mom as well.

Also on the other side is my response to his frustration. I found myself feeling hurt when I was pushed or gestured away. I know that he does not mean it. It is totally out of character for him. It is a sign of the massive brain trauma he has undergone. I need to let it go like water off a duck’s back. My mantra needs to be “this is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me” I also worry about how mom is will hold up to this. Because in so many ways this is not the husband she knows lying in that bed. It does not mean that she loves him any less; it just means that she will often be surprised by his responses. I guess we will both have a lot to learn in the weeks ahead.

So tomorrow, we will get up and head back to the hospital and deal with the day as it unfolds. One day at a time ….. just one day at a time. Really that is all any of us have to work with.

“No man has power over the wind to contain it ; so no one has power over the day of his death.” Ecclesiastes 8:8

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 3

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions, Dad was stronger and more responsive. That was wonderful news to my heart. However, and this is a HUGE however, he is not able to speak his thoughts at this time. They come out in a gibberish of one syllable words for the most part. Once in a while we can pick up a word. He can say "no" and a pretty good approximation of my mother's name.

It has been heartbreaking to watch him struggling to communicate. He is beginning to get frustrated when he cannot convey something to us. I do not have anyway to make this better or to fix this for him.

The first words that he spoke after the ventilator had been taken out chilled me to the core. I sat very still and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. In the ensuing hours it became clear that there was a significant problem with his speech. Tonight the nurse talked to me very frankly about where Dad was. It was very hard to hear, but very important for me to listen to.

So I came home to mom & dad's house tonight and began making phone calls. I wanted to make sure that all of the family had the same information to work from. The calls were excruciating but all of them needed the information. So I slowly waded through it.

So here I sit, exhausted, headachy and very ready for bed. I will make it through this. The family will make it through this. As my mother shared tonight, "We will just have to take it as it comes. That is what life is."

"Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning." Job 11:17

I am so fortunate to have family to live life with



Just Connie

Dad's Head Injury - Day 2

I want to scream and shout and weep. I don’t because I know that I have to “keep it together”. There are people that I love who need me right now. My first view of my father was shocking even though I was expecting something horrific. His hair had all been shaved off the left side of his head and he had a large bloody wound about the size of a mush ball where they had opened his skull to relieve the pressure. There were tubes and wires coming out of his head, tubes and wires coming out of every part of his body. He lay with unnatural stillness as my mother and I slowly approached his bed.

Looking for small spots that did not have tubes or wires, we rubbed his legs and held his hand and just sat quietly with him. When we first came in his inter-cranial pressure was at 11 (normal is 0). By the time we left it was about 3-5. It steadily came down all day. As the day went on they lessened his sedatives and he began to respond to us. By the time we left tonight he could open his eyes …. (well one of them) briefly and squeeze our hands.

My father remains in critical condition in intensive care. I begin to think that he will pull through. But even as I realize that I am aware that he has a long road ahead of him. One of his nurses said today that he will probably be in the hospital for a month or more.

For me, I find that I just want to find a quiet place and lay my head down and weep out my hurt for him and my fears for what he will face in the future. This is a life changing event. It might be life changing for more than just mom and dad. This could be life changing for all of us. I guess all I can do is pray, stand strong in Christ and be of help in whatever way I can. You know, it would be so much easier to just weep and wail.

“When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud” Job 2:12

Just Connie

Critical Injury

It was my sister on the phone. “Don’t freak out,” she said. With those words, I sat heavily in the chair, turned off the TV and waited for the other shoe to drop. “Dad fell playing racquetball and he is in critical condition.” With those words life has been turned upside down.

I threw some items in a suitcase, (I have no idea what I grabbed) grabbed the dogs and put the bunny in his outside cage so the neighbor boy could check on him. I took the bale of straw out of the back of my rig and pulled out of town while trying to make calls to tell my children, to put it on the prayer chain and to somehow pull it together so I was calm when I got to the hospital.

On the two hour trip to Portland, I prayed I cried and I fretted that it was taking too long. My sister called again to tell me that he was in surgery and they did not know anything yet. I finally pulled into the hospital and sprinted to the ICU. All of the family was there. My nephews and nieces and great nephew. Aunt and Uncles and my sister. It was total chaos. I moved around the room and greeted everyone and tried to make sure that no one was in too much distress. Then I found a quiet corner and talked horses with my mother’s pastor. It was balm to my worried heart.

When the surgeon came out he was surprised at the cloud of people that stood when he asked for the family of Tony Crawford. The surgery went well. Dad has a fracture skull with bleeding on the brain. They operated to relieve the pressure but he is in critical condition. The next 24 hours will be critical for him. The doctor told us to go home and sleep and come back in the morning.

I am so stunned. He had turned the corner on the recovery from his heart surgery and has been doing so well. This just seems so impossible. But yet it is all too possible. I am praying for his body to fight, to heal, for swelling to go down and bleeding to stop. I know that he is in God’s hand. I just wish the waiting was over.

“He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.” Luke 9:11

Just Connie

Birthday Joy

Today is my daughter’s birthday. It is hard to believe that she is 24 years old. She is growing up into an incredible woman and I am very proud of her. She has stood on her own feet and made her own way in the world since she was 18 years old. She is incredibly strong, yet so very tender.

I have really missed her since she went to Eugene. I am glad that she is in school and glad for the opportunity she has to experience college life in it’s entirety. I think she will do very well. She is a good student and smart. She will be able to do anything she decides she wants to. That is a wonderful thing.

I get to go down and see her on Monday and I am very excited about it. I am going to spend the day with my daughter. Wah hoo! Who knows what we will end up doing. Anything could happen. I know that it will be enjoyable. I always enjoy my time with her.

Today I want to wish her a Happy Birthday and let her know that I love her and that I am proud of her. She is a blessing to me and I look forward to our day together. I pray that God will draw her close today and bless her abundantly and completely. I pray that she will walk in the light of his presence every day of her life.

“Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear” Psalm 45:10

Just Connie

Being Alone

I get really lonely at times. I do not think that God created me to live alone. I think that He created me to live in the midst of a family group. But yet here I am alone. That is the reality that I am faced with.

I try to make healthy choices and to not focus on my aloneness, but the reality is that I drive home every day to an empty house. I go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I am seeking to learn to live alone and find contentment right where I am. But I have to admit that I do not like it.

One of the healthy things I have been trying to do is to develop some friendships. I have been thrilled over a couple of the friendships that are really beginning to develop into heart friendships. That has been a balm and a solace to my lonely heart. Tonight I got to spend time with one of my heart friends and just enjoy the richness of her company.

I have to admit that tonight I do not feel quite so alone. I have friends that love me. That is an amazing things. You know it also occurs to me that I do not go to bed alone every night. Now don’t get the wrong idea, I go to bed with one very elderly terrier and one very large hairy sheepdog. I should never feel lonely in a bed that is that full.

As in most things in life, I guess it is a matter of perspective. I need to keep identifying the ways that God is surrounding me with His love. From the love showered on me by my pets, to the love of my family members and the growing relationships with friends. All of those are very visible reminders that God does not leave me alone and I am loved.

So I think I will get ready for bed , cuddle up with my doggie friends and let them remind me that I am loved tonight.

“On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.” Psalm 63:6

Just Connie

Easy Button

Another day is winding to a close. I spent the morning preparing for the budget and finance meeting. I had spreadsheets to update and agendas to create. Then tonight I spent in a two hour budget and finance meeting. It was very uncomfortable because we were dealing with pastoral salaries tonight.

Sigh …. I wish there was an easy button for things like this. Just push the button and it would all be done and balanced. Come to think of it there is quite a few things in my life I would like to solve with an easy button. Like a job, and my marriage, and … well the list could go on and on.

I guess that as nice as an easy button would be, it would rob me of the lessons and growth of the struggles of life. I keep saying it, but there is value in the process. I am learning and growing day by day. Life is changing me, expanding my understanding and teaching me how to love more fully. I guess when it comes right down to it, it is not about my circumstances it is about my heart.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

There is life to be lived right here, right now. It might not be easy, but the responsibility for it is all mine.

Just Connie

Microwave Lesson

I did a dumb thing today. I didn’t think it was a dumb thing when I first began. But I knew within moments that it was …. well dumb.

The power has been going on and off the last couple of days due to the thunder storms. My electronics have not appreciated it. One of the casualties was my microwave. It would not accept a command and was stuck, stuck, stuck. I decided that it probably needed to be reset. Unfortunately since this is a very old model that was only possible by unplugging it. That sounds so easy, however there were a couple of complications. The first one is that the microwave is built into a cabinet. The second complication is that the microwave is very large and very, very heavy.

After considering my options, I decided that perhaps I could pull it out enough to snake my arm in behind it to unplug it. That turned out to not be the case. By the time I had pulled it out enough to get my arm behind it, it was coming out with or without me. That is when it first began to dawn on me that perhaps this was a dumb thing I was doing. I found very quickly that it was too big and too heavy for me to really control but I slowed it’s descent to keep it from crashing to the floor and somehow guided it onto the chair I had placed beneath it. When it finally settled on the chair I took a deep breath of relief. Well I did until I saw the two long parallel scratches I had put on the front of my cabinets.

But I tried to not get sidetracked and climbed up into the cabinet and reset the microwave. Then I stood there and looked at my problem. I had no way to get the microwave from the chair back into the cabinet. I even rocked it back and forth until I could get my hands underneath it and tried to lift it. I just could not do it.

So there I stood looking at that huge microwave sitting in the middle of my kitchen knowing that there was nothing I could do that would put that thing back where it belonged. I knew that I had no choice but to call for help. But I sooooo did not want to do it. I finally forced myself to go to the phone and call a friend. Who came up and very quickly lifted it back into the cabinet for me. He was more than happy to lend a hand to help out.

It makes me wonder why I struggled to call for help. I really did not want to do it. I did not like feeling so helpless for something that should have been so simple. I didn’t like admitting that I was not sufficient for the task. I have to wonder where that pride came from? because the reality is that pride was not helping me, it was hindering me from getting the help that I needed.

I guess it is a reminder for me that I cannot do it by myself. It is time to learn the wisdom of just being what I am. Because there will be other tasks that I cannot do in the days ahead. I hoping that it will make it easier to call for help next time.

I am a work in progress, I am learning. Slowly … but I am learning. Now I guess it is time to get the varnish out and fix the front of the cabinets. Why is learning such hard work?

“Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.” 1 Timothy 4:15

Just Connie

Retreat Thoughts

I have just spent the last 24 hours with denominational leaders. They gathered all of the Conference Committees together to share vision and strategy for the future. The Bishop spoke with us three separate times. What he had to share with us was powerful. I am going to share with the church. It is the latest from the Bishops on the roles of the pastor and the role of the church board. It was very good.

It was also good to spend some time with other like minded leaders. I am glad for the chance but I have to admit that I am still struggling with feeling like the new kid on the block. In those moments between sessions I often found myself the odd man out. No one does it on purpose, they just naturally gravitate to the people they know. I tried hard to force myself to join the groups and to move around and interact. I did a fairly good job most of the time.

But I do tire of this feeling of not really fitting in. I know that it will eventually fade away as I get to know people and they get to know me. But I miss being a vital part of the larger group, being known and knowing everyone. I keep reminding myself that I felt the same way with the Nazarenes in the beginning. It took years to really fit in.

I wish that more of my life was comfortable right now. There is such discomfort at so many levels. But I guess that is to be expected during a time of transition. It is one of those things I will just have to “tough it” through. It will get better.

“You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” Psalm 71:21

Thankfully I am not in this alone.

Just Connie

Conference Planning Retreat

Today I am heading to Aldersgate Retreat Center. I will be meeting with other Conference Committee members for a 2 day planning session. The Bishop will be there and will be speaking and teaching us.

I am really looking forward to getting to know some other pastors and leaders on our Conference. I am also looking forward to getting to know the Bishop in a smaller setting. I have not had many chances to spend time with the other pastors and I really think this will be an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level. At least I hope so.

I am also hoping that I will have some expertise to offer. I think that my experience and background gives me some unique perspectives. Hopefully that will be of some use in these sessions.

I have to admit that though I am looking forward to it, I am also a little bit nervous. It is so important to me to begin to fit in and find camaraderie and friendship with my colleagues.

“put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:24

I think I need to just take a deep breath and be myself. It is who god created me to be and what more could I ask than that.

Just Connie

Tradegy at Fort Hood

I am so saddened tonight by the shootings at Fort Hood. What a horrific thing. I have no understanding of the hate that can motivate such an act. To walk up to total strangers and calmly and methodically kill them is beyond my comprehension.

If it is true that this is an act of the radical Muslims it is a reminder that we are truly at war. And the war is brought here to American soil. That is a rather frightening thought. How was he allowed to get as far as he did? Why didn’t the people who had flagged him do something? How could it have come to this?

I don’t know the answers to those questions but I do know that it is time for God’s people to hit our knees and pray. We need to pray for safety, pray for wisdom, pray for the Muslim. We also need to pray for the American leadership. We need to pray that they will have strength and courage and wisdom. It is time to pray for our country, pray for our hearts and pray for the families of Fort Hood.

“Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth.” Psalm 54:2

Just Connie

Broken At Heart

I think I am broken. Much of the time I try to ignore it but then I notice that I am “limping” … the brokenness just leaks through regardless of my bravado.

I have been turning it over in my mind today. My husband and my marriage has been on my mind since my father in law called. I have been reflecting on the broken marriage covenant, the violence, the fear and then the loneliness of the past 11 months. That reflection makes me sad and uneasy.

I am also feeling the sting of rejection and judgment. It is always there lurking under the knowing smiles. I am weighed and found wanting because of my husband’s choices. There seems to be an underlying assumption that if I had been a better wife, if I had followed God’s will, if I was spiritually where I should be, I would not find myself where I am today.

In addition I find that I am still so grieved over Gerrald’s choices, grieved over my inability to help him and grieved over my own sadness and loss. That grief colors my days and disturbs my nights.

I do not want to live broken. I do not think God wants me to stay broken. But it has been 11 months and I am still ….. broken. I keep reminding myself that healing is a process. But tonight I am tired of the brokenness. And though there is value in the process of healing, I want the process to be finished.

“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear” Isaiah 58:8

I am ready for the light to break forth. I am confident that dawn is coming. I just need to keep my eyes on the horizon.

Just Connie

Dinner with Tony

Tonight was special. My son called and invited me to come to dinner. I was thrilled. I have not met his girlfriend and she is due to deliver my first grandchild in the next couple of months.

I grabbed the baby gifts I had been saving for the last 6 months and headed to Salem. It was good to see my son Tony. I had not seen him since last Christmas. I have missed him. It was also wonderful to meet his girlfriend Stephanie. She seems to be a sweet girl and is definitely in late stage pregnancy. I wish there had been something I could have done that would have made her more comfortable. But as we all know the only relief for her will be delivery.

We had a good dinner together and then sat and watched the new Wolverine movie. (Which I loved and had never seen by the way) It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening in every way. I am also hoping that it was a bridge building evening. I would love to find a way to be more a part of my son’s life. I would like to be part of my grandson’s life as well..

I guess it will take time. I need to just keep being available. Sometimes it is so hard to wait.

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14

Just Connie

Phone Call Turmoil

My father in law called me. He is a very nice Christian man. He has always treated me with love and respect and has been a big help to my husband over the past 10 years. But I have to admit that when I heard his voice, my stomach clenched in a knot because I knew he was calling about my husband.

Several weeks ago I sent my husband a letter. Since that time I have not heard anything from him. I have wondered if he has left the rehab program, if he was doing well, if he was mad at me again … well I have thought all kinds of things. I have also feared for “the call”. You know the one where they call and tell me he is dead or in jail. So when I heard my father in law’s voice my heart was racing as I waited for the news.

This time it was good news. He saw Gerrald last week and he is seems to be doing well. He is happy at the Salvation Army and says that “he had gotten away from God.” He also told his dad that “I can never take another drink”. I have heard variations of that statement before but never so forthright. I hope that this is a life changing revelation for him and that this knowledge will enable him to live sober and free.

I found myself distressed when I got off the phone. I was not really sure why, because the news was so good. I really do want Gerrald to succeed and do well. I want him to live free and strong and happy. Even though we will never live together again, I only wish good things for him. But yet I was tearful and in turmoil. I think some of it was because I am so grieved over what we have lost. God had given us such a wonderful opportunity together and it was thrown away. It is also a reminder that I am alone and I will always be alone. That specter hangs over me and shades my future.

I think that the call brought up a lot of emotions in me. It brought up fear and love, uncertainty and a myriad of other feelings in me. I am trying to sort it all out, but I find it very hard going. I am trying to not beat myself up for what I feel. Those feelings are a symptom and are not right or wrong, they just are what they are. I just need to make sure that my actions are godly and Christ honoring.

“These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1 Peter 1:7

It is not about what I feel, it is about what I choose to do.

Just Connie