This is the first Sunday of Advent. It is the first year that I have not had an advent wreath up at my house. I have always loved Advent. I love the ritual and the opportunity to draw the family together to reflect on Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. But this year is so different. I do not think I am ready to try to light the advent wreath every week by myself. Even though it has been meaningful in the past, everything feels different when it is just me by myself and it just seems kind of sad. So the Advent Wreath remains packed away this year.
I am still struggling with what to do about Christmas decorations. I have considered putting up one of my small trees and none of the other decorations. I have considered just putting my nativity sets out. And I have considered doing nothing at all. Right now I am leaning towards nothing at all.
It seems like a lot of effort to go through when there is no one to share it with. I am not expecting to do any holiday entertaining and my heart is really not with all of the hoopla this year. In fact I am just trying to survive this holiday season without curling up in a catatonic ball or having a screaming fit.
I have no doubt that I will make it through this. I will not always feel this sad. I will not always feel such an acute loneliness. But for me I think the season will not so much be a celebration but sheer "grin & bear it".
Perhaps it will be a good time to focus on what really matters ... family .... friends and ministry. Perhaps it can be my chance to really focus on the the "Reason for the Season". Perhaps it will be my chance to grieve the losses in my life and begin to rebuild for the future. Perhaps ....
Just Connie
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