My father in law called me. He is a very nice Christian man. He has always treated me with love and respect and has been a big help to my husband over the past 10 years. But I have to admit that when I heard his voice, my stomach clenched in a knot because I knew he was calling about my husband.
Several weeks ago I sent my husband a letter. Since that time I have not heard anything from him. I have wondered if he has left the rehab program, if he was doing well, if he was mad at me again … well I have thought all kinds of things. I have also feared for “the call”. You know the one where they call and tell me he is dead or in jail. So when I heard my father in law’s voice my heart was racing as I waited for the news.
This time it was good news. He saw Gerrald last week and he is seems to be doing well. He is happy at the Salvation Army and says that “he had gotten away from God.” He also told his dad that “I can never take another drink”. I have heard variations of that statement before but never so forthright. I hope that this is a life changing revelation for him and that this knowledge will enable him to live sober and free.
I found myself distressed when I got off the phone. I was not really sure why, because the news was so good. I really do want Gerrald to succeed and do well. I want him to live free and strong and happy. Even though we will never live together again, I only wish good things for him. But yet I was tearful and in turmoil. I think some of it was because I am so grieved over what we have lost. God had given us such a wonderful opportunity together and it was thrown away. It is also a reminder that I am alone and I will always be alone. That specter hangs over me and shades my future.
I think that the call brought up a lot of emotions in me. It brought up fear and love, uncertainty and a myriad of other feelings in me. I am trying to sort it all out, but I find it very hard going. I am trying to not beat myself up for what I feel. Those feelings are a symptom and are not right or wrong, they just are what they are. I just need to make sure that my actions are godly and Christ honoring.
“These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1 Peter 1:7
It is not about what I feel, it is about what I choose to do.
Just Connie
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