Tonight was the Christmas Candlelight Service at the church. It was truly beautiful. The music, the flickering candles, all of it tugged at my heart. I am so thankful for the church I have been assigned to. The staff, the people and the community are all an incredible blessing to me.
Even through the beauty I was struck anew by a flood of grief and loss and during the service. Everything has changed so much this year. I miss my husband. Well I miss my sober husband. I do not miss the drunk, angry and volatile man he became when he was drinking. I also miss the future we were building together. Jointly owned dreams and plans and the certainty of growing old together. At this point all I see stretching out in front of me is a lifetime of Christmases by myself.
I do not think there is a magic fix for this sadness. I think it is probably a normal outcome of the situation I find myself in. But I have to admit that I do not like it at all. I want the magic, the wonder and the joy to come back. I think it will come back but I will have to work on it and keep walking through it step by step. It might not be magic, but I think the journey will be worth it in the end.
"Then they said to him, "Please inquire of God to learn whether my journey will be successful" Judges 18:5
Just Connie
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