I stood in the midst of a room full of people tonight and felt lonely. It was the annual Pastor's Christmas Dinner and Free Methodist pastors from all over the state had come to enjoy and evening of fellowship together. Everyone is always very welcoming and kind. I enjoy seeing them and hearing what is going on at their churches. But I found myself standing there and thinking that last year I stood there with Gerrald at my side. He was sober and seemed to be doing well. We had a wonderful time together that evening. A few short weeks later he was drunk and gone, but that night he was there.
Tonight I stood alone. I am finding that I do not like being alone. I miss the companionship of having someone by my side, someone to discuss the day's events with, someone that cares about me. I try to remind myself that I do not miss the alcohol fueled rages. I do not miss trying to smell his breath to see if he had been drinking. I do not miss being afraid ... or bruised .. and everything that went along with that. No, I do not miss that.
The reality is that I miss the man I married. Not the drunk, but the kind, gentle, humorous man who loved me "to the bone". I miss him with every breath. I grieve his "death" and departure.
I am going to keep walking through this. Through the loneliness and loss, through it all. I will not get stuck here, I cannot get stuck here, I refuse to get stuck here. I will make it through.
Just Connie
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