This will be a very different Christmas for me this year. I have been trying real hard to not give in to the sadness that I feel lurking around the edges. I am also trying to stay busy and focused to try to fight the darkness off. But the reality is that I am sad at the changes in my life. I miss being part of a family. I miss having the companionship and love of a spouse. I am lonely and I am grieved over the sheer losses I have faced this year that will be so evident at Christmas.
I also find that I miss the rituals that my husband and I had developed together. I made the decision to not decorate the house for Christmas and I still do not know if that was a good decision or not. It makes me kind of sad to drive down the street and see every one's tree and know that there is nothing waiting for me at home. But yet, I have to admit that I am really glad I am not facing the massive cleanup effort all by myself.
You know I think that issue of all by myself is a large part of it. I just did not want to face doing it all by myself. I didn't want to decorate by myself, look at it by myself and put it away by myself. It all feels so flat and off kilter to me this year. And then I feel bad for feeling the way that I do.
I am trying to remind myself that how I feel is neither right or wrong, it is what it is. It is a symptom of the loss and changes I have faced in the past year. Perhaps the answer lies in letting it be what it is. I think I need to find ways to embrace the changes in my life. Christmas is still Christmas regardless of my personal life. That is something worth celebrating.
"I bring you good tidings of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the city of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11
Just Connie
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