Wedding Thoughts

I just got home from officiating a wedding ceremony. The bride was beautiful and the service went very well but this wedding was a whole lot of work. There was furniture to move and people to calm and lots and lots of clean up to do. So it is now 11:30 and I am so ready for bed.

Days like today are a good cross section of what the pastorate is. I worked on my sermon, finished up my Sunday School lesson for Sunday, had a counseling session, a short staff meeting and lots and lots of wedding stuff. There was a little bit of everything.

So now I am ready to call it all good and head to bed.

it is all good .....

Just Connie

Rejection Thoughts

It has been like wearing shoes that are too tight. Every step hurts and the throbbing interferes with the simplest tasks. Fighting these feelings of rejection is overwhelming and exhausting.

My past has trained me to expect rejection. Especially as a pastor I face all kinds of rejection. But this past week the rejection has cut cut deep and opened up old wounds. By last5 night all I could do was roll my weeping self into bed and cry myself to sleep. I found myself waking throughout the night crying, grieving ... feeling such a sense of worthlessness.

I am finding that though my head tells me that I am a child of the King, beloved and cherished I have old tapes that begin playing in dark moments. tapes that are filled with a sense of failure and self loathing that surprise me.

Tonight I am trying to reject the lies that those old tapes represent and the old hurts that created them. But I have to admit that I am still pretty sore and tender .... I am still wearing those shoes that are too tight. So I guess it is time to try to pry these shoes off my feet.

I have a feeling that getting them off will be a process..... sigh

Just Connie

Today's Thoughts

It is a beautiful Fall evening. The sun shone bright and the lawn mowers have been going all day throughout the neighborhood. Everyone is busy getting the as much done as they can while the weather lasts. Me ... I have not gotten any of the outside work done that I need to get done. My lawn needs to be mowed, the gutters needs to be cleaned out and the flower beds need weeding.

I have been cleaning inside and trying to get things put back together again. I should have set it aside and gone out to enjoy the day, but I did not. I worked on the computer and puttered around the house. I guess the work will still be waiting for me tomorrow.

I am also trying to acclimate my pets to the new room. Bubba Bunny kept running back to the front of the house where he has spent the last two months. I keep corralling him and bringing him back to the family room where his litter box and food dishes are. He growls at me and keeps heading back to the front of the house. But this afternoon he has actually stayed with me in the family room. Perhaps I will actually win this battle. Right now he is curled up on a quilt in front of the patio door with Hope Puppy.

Charlie is the other hold out. She thinks the new wood floor is a dangerous invasion. She stands in the doorway and keeps barking for me to do something about it. I finally laid the quilt out for her to lay on. Which is now occupied by the bunny and the puppy. She this very minute is standing in the doorway woofing at me. I am not sure I will win the battle with her. But the barking might drive me crazy ... and that might be a pretty short trip.

So I am sitting here enjoying the cool fall evening, laughing at the antics of the animals and just enjoying the quiet .... well the quiet between the bouts of barking.

Just Connie

Selah

I spent the day with about 900 women today. George Fox College had an event for Christian women. The theme was Simplicity. It was a wonderful. It really spoke to where my heart heart is at right now. The thought of encumbering ourselves with the things that needlessly weigh us down. It was truly powerful.

One of the workshops I attended was very good. It was about living healthy ... eating and exercising. It gave me some ver5y good ideas to begin to get on top of the weight I have gained this past year. I am looking forward to  getting back to a healthy life style.

All in all I was very glad for the chance to worship with other women and the chance to be encouraged in my spiritual life and my lifestyle. I guess all I have to say t this point is ..... selah.

Just Connie

My Boyfriend Phil

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I tried really hard to ignore it all day. But it kept rearing it's ugly head in the quiet moments. So today I ran away and spent the day with my boyfriend. He is tall with brown eyes and red hair. He has the longest eye lashes and his name is Phil and he is a three year old thoroughbred race horse.


The wonderful thing about Phil is that he loves me. He lifts my spirits with his horsey hugs and his desire to be with me. That relationship is a balm to my spirit. It was especially good to spend time with him today when my heart was feeling kind of tender.

As I groomed him, I could feel some of the tightness in my chest begin to relax. As I leaned against him and breathed in his scent, he rubbed his head on me and nibbled my hair. With every stroke of the curry comb I could feel peace settling around me.

Healing comes in many forms and today it came in the form of my special boyfriend Phil. It is good to be loved.

Just Connie

Remodeling Update

Sigh .... here I sit in front of a roaring fire in my brand new family room. Hope puppy is sleeping at my feet, Bubba Bunny is perched on top of the pile of stove pellets and Charlie is hiding in the bedroom. There is still some work to do and plenty of things to unpack, but it is so close now. The room is lovely. Lots of space, lots of light and a wonderful view from every direction.

Right now it all seems worth it. But there were plenty of times when I thought I must have lost my mind to bite off this project at this point in my life. But tonight there is a sense of rightness in the room.

Tomorrow will come soon enough and I have all my office things to unpack some things left to varnish and cleaning to do. So instead of doing all of the things I should be doing, I am planning on running off and grooming the horses as my friend Diana's place. That seems like  much better use of my time. If not better ... than at least a whole lot more fun.

Just Connie

New Relationship

Well, it finally happened. The laptop I had been tenderly nursing along finally gave up the ghost. I broke down and withdrew money from my dwindling savings account and bought a new one. It was painful and kind of scary to spend that much money. Now I will have to buy software so I can load all my files on it.

My laptop is an important part of my daily life. It not only is a research tool, for sermons and other writings,  it connects me with people across the nation on a daily basis. Today I have chatted with my cousin in North Dakota, heard from a friend in Kansas and chatted with a pastoral couple in southeastern Oregon.I get accountability, encouragement and support through my laptop.

So I begin the long process of loading, updating and preparing this new laptop to be my constant compassion. I hope it will be a long and happy relationship.

Just Connie

Unexpected Find

I fought the tears back as I looked at the paper in my hand. I came across it unexpectedly while I was unpacking my office things. It was a beautiful certificate. In fact it was the local minister's license that the church had bestowed upon my husband. That license was the symbol of hope and promise and such tangible proof of God's restoring love. It stood for sobriety, family and service. it was one of the many promises that Gerrald broke when he began drinking again.

I was filled with a fresh sense of loss as I sat there remembering the day I called him forward and he shared his call with the congregation. I remember thinking that God was honoring my faithfulness and love to this man ... thinking, "life is so good." and yet just a few months later, it was all over. Horribly and very decisively over. he was gone and I was once again alone.

I wanted to crumple it up and throw it away ... no I wanted to shred it in a million little pieces, but instead I took a deep breath and tearfully smoothed it out and tucked it behind my own ordination papers. I think perhaps that license is a good reminder for me. It reminds me that this man I love has rejected much more than just me or his sobriety. He walked away from his call. That is a heartbreaking truth. That paper will serve as a reminder to me to lift Gerrald up in prayer. To pray for his well being, and safety, but also to pray for his call.

I think I needed that reminder .....

Just Connie

No Turning Back

Todays sermon text is Galatians 4:8-20.


8Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. 9But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? 10You are observing special days and months and seasons and years! 11I fear for you, that somehow I have wasted my efforts on you.


12I plead with you, brothers, become like me, for I became like you. You have done me no wrong. 13As you know, it was because of an illness that I first preached the gospel to you. 14Even though my illness was a trial to you, you did not treat me with contempt or scorn. Instead, you welcomed me as if I were an angel of God, as if I were Christ Jesus himself. 15What has happened to all your joy? I can testify that, if you could have done so, you would have torn out your eyes and given them to me. 16Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?


17Those people are zealous to win you over, but for no good. What they want is to alienate you from us, so that you may be zealous for them. 18It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good, and to be so always and not just when I am with you. 19My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you, 20how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone, because I am perplexed about you!


Intro: Paul had very strong words for the Galatians he asked them, "How is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles?" Turning from the freedom they were finding in Christ to …. Well let’s look at what they were turning to.

Turning To

1. Turning Back to “Old Man”

2. Comfort

3. Habits

4. Legalism …. (Justified by what I do, not my heart)


Away From

They were turning away from joy (why, because of these next things)

1. Away from hope

2. Away from love

3. Direction & Guidance

4. Power

Are there things that are making you turn back? Do you ever feel like you are walking looking over your shoulder? Do you ever find yourself wanting to turn back to what you were before Christ? Is there anything pulling your focus off Christ?

Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

Today is the day to make a fresh commitment. I will follow Chrhist, for me there is no turning back.

The Belfry

I seem to have spent much of my pastorate on roofs, up in hedges and with various tools in my hand. That is very surprising to people given my gender, but I have always enjoyed it. Today I spent up on the roof of the church. Among other things, we were trying to address the moss problem. it complicated things a little bit that it rained, but we got it done regardless.

The other thing that needed to be done today was to examine the bell tower and decide what repairs if any needed to be as we prepare to paint it. We were surprised to find some guests that had moved into the bell tower. Not bats in the belfry, but starlings. That discovery gave me a good excuse to climb up into the bell tower and examine everything. Which I have been intedning to do, but just had not gotten around to it.

Our bell tower has an actual bell in it. We ring it every Sunday morning calling people to worship. It is one of the things I have really enjoyed about being in Willamina. It was wonderful to stand there and gaze out at the neighborhood today.

It was a full day, but a good day. We got a lot done and that is always a good feeling.

Just Connie

Last Tasks

I worked on the remodel today. I have been refinishing my hope chest and the switch plate covers for the family room. I also finally took the plunge and mixed the muriatic acid to clean the slate on the hearth. Tomorrow I should be able to seal the grout. Then I can put a last coat of sealer on the stone and they can come in and move the pellet stove in and hook it up.

That will be just about in time since suddenly the nights are getting colder. it feels like the house has been torn apart forever, though I know it has only been a couple of months. I am ready to have some furniture in the family room and ready to be able to use it again. I think I will get rid of some of the furniture so there is a bit more space in there. I should be moved back in within a couple of weeks.

At this point it is hard to keep the reality of the end in sight. I find that I am getting bogged down in these last tasks. the end at times seems so far away. But I will keep plugging away at it ... at least I think I will. ... sigh. I would still like an easy button for this.

Just Connie

Aloneness

My head hurts, my eyes are swollen and all I want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head. I am so discouraged on so many levels tonight. It is hard for me to sort it all out ...

I have struggled over the past couple of years with both the reality of being alone and the thought that I will always be alone. I was blessed to make some wonderful friends who have really been a surrogate family to me. Suddenly they are gone and those old feelings of rejection are beating down on me. I find myself fighting such a sense of aloneness and grief. It hits me in waves and all I can do is cry.

I realize that because of my past this is a very tender spot for me. One unfaithful husband who left me and an alcoholic husband who left me has set me up for certain feelings ... feelings of being unlovable ... feelings of failure ... I find these feelings assaulting me now.

So how do I keep from being swept away by the hurt, the fear and the pain? How do I focus on God's truth instead of the hurtful lies? I know what I supposed to say, I know the verses to quote, but tonight all I can do is cry out to God. All I can do is stand here in my aloneness and pour my heart out to God.

Just Connie

Saying Goodbye

One of the things that I have always hated as a pastor is saying good-bye to people. We pastors seem to do a lot of that. People move, step into eternity and sometimes their lives just calls them to a different place.

Today I heard from two of my dearest friends, they feel that God is calling them to a different church. It took my breath away. It is one of those moments as a pastor that makes you feel like a total failure. There is this feeling that I did something very wrong. Not because they said so, which they didn't, they affirmed their love for me and for everyone in the church, but everything in me screams out that if I had done it right they would not leave.

At this point all I can is cry. I can feel the grief pressing in on me as I try to grapple with everything this will mean. I have a feeling that this will be one of those change points when many things change. And this is also one of those times when I must choose faith. Faith that God is big enough for this hurt, wise enough to guide all of us through and loving enough to help us love each other through it.

I just wish it did not hurt so much ....

Just Connie

Sunday Picnic

I had fun today .... honest to goodness fun. It was our annual church picnic. First we had some great food and then it was time for the baptisms. Today we had six of them. It always uplifts my spirits and reminds me of what is really important.

After the baptisms we played games. They had all kinds of silly water games. I was already wet so I jumped in the thick of all of it.  I think everyone enjoyed it, both the participants and the spectators. Lots of laughing and lots of love and hugs. It was everything a church picnic should be.

So now I am home, wet around the edges and tired, but very satisfied with the way the day went. I am feeling very pleased with what I observed today. The love, the friendships and their comfort with  each other was very good to see. I think there are good things in store.

Just Connie

Tension

I can feel the tendrils of fear curl around me as I sit here tonight. The dogs are picking up my edginess and are barking and growling at every small sound. That is only increasing my tension level. I spent some time at the church tonight praying and that helped me, but now I can feel the tension around.

I heard from Gerrald's father yesterday and again just now. The upshot is that no one knows where Gerrald is. He left Colorado Springs on the 3rd of September and no one knows where he was headed. He spent three days in a Rescue Mission Recovery program and headed out after only three days. He could be anywhere .... he could be coming here!

And that is what really has me frightened. I do not want to face him when he is drinking, I do not want to be plunged into the terror and hurt again. I do not want to live like that ever again.

I guess all I can do is to continue to pray for Gerrald, for his freedom from this terrible bondage and for the day when he can throw the chains of addiction off. I need to also continue to make wise choices and to be vigilant, but not be consumed by the fear that still lurks.... this is still really scary.

Just Connie

Busy Day

Busy day today ... I  have  lots of those, but this was pretty busy even for me. It started out with me taking stacks of files to the conference Office to look for the papers they needed to send into headquarters. The good news is that we found what we needed. Of course it was not where it was supposed to be, but as I am coming to find out that is probably not that surprising. We still have lot of work to do with our record keeping systems to bring them up to a usable standard. But I realize that you cannot do everything all at once. It will come in time.

I took the opportunity to stop at the bookstore and picked up some books. Then I actually took myself out to lunch at a little cafe in West Salem. I had a really excellent lunch and for the first time I actually enjoyed myself instead of feeling awkward because I was alone.

I headed back to Willamina and sorted through paperwork and set up come files for the things I had sorted that morning. Then it was time to head out for the pre-marital counseling appointment I had set up with a young couple from the church. As I finished up with them I headed back to the church and worked on my office until I was out of time to make it to the Post Office so I grabbed the paperwork and got it mailed out.

At that point I was very ready to put my feet up and relax. I started dinner and that is when my phone began ringing. It was one thing after another. There was someone who was in crisis, someone who needed help with gas, someone with a prayer concern ... but finally everyone had been taken care of and there was quiet in the house.

So now I am curled up on the couch, watching TV and watching Hope puppy play with Bubba Bunny. It feels good to be home and have a peaceful moment. I will enjoy it as long as I can. These moments are all too rare.

Just Connie

The Teens

I spent some time with some of the teens from the church tonight. I really enjoy doing that. We have teens of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds. Tonight I got in a discussion with one young man with green hair about ear gauges and tongue piercings. those are two subjects that you just do not expect to have to be very conversant on. But it was interesting to hear. Thought I have to admit that I caught myself going "Ewwwwww" a couple of times.

One of the things I enjoy about the teens is going into their worship service with them. We have a great youth worship band. It is uplifting and exciting. It is a great way to start our Wednesday night activities. I would love to be able to do that every week.

I hope that I can face life with the life and promise I see in all of them. It is a good reminder to me to stay young at heart and look expectantly for tomorrow. I have a feeling there is quite a bit I can learn from them. And who knows ... perhaps I have something to share with them as well.

Just Connie

Dr's Visit

I broke down today and went to the doctor. I have been struggling with  two warts on my hands for almost 2 years. I have frozen them off and cut them off and they just grow back. I finally admitted defeat and went into the doctor. He looked at them and decided to freeze them off. Which I discovered is a form of torture and really bears no resemblance to the little freezing it off kit I had been playing with for the last year.

He said "this will sting" that is a doctor euphemism for "this is going to hurt enough that you will want to punch me in the nose." that should have been my first warning, then the next one he said, "This one will hurt". That is not a good lead in line. Especially when you follow it up with something that hurts that bad. It not only hurts but you have to stay absolutely still so nothing else gets frozen off that is not supposed to ... you know like parts you will need later. For good measure he also removed a skin tag under my arm.

So tonight I have swollen blistered hands and an armpit that feels like an angry beaver has been gnawing on it. But I guess all in all, it could be a lot worse ... my hands don't think so, but that is what the brain keeps telling them. Frankly I don't think my hands or my armpits care.

Just Connie

Blackberries

Blackberries .... I love them. Blackberry jam, blackberry pie, blackberry cobbler, blackberry syrup ... it is all good. So here we are the beginning of September and it is time to pick. I spent the afternoon crawling around the berry patch with a friend. Picking blackberries is a lot of hard work because you are fighting with thorns, the terrain, bees, snakes ... you name it it is there lurking in the berry patch. But I finally finished up with three buckets of berries, a myriad of scratches and purple fingers and hands.

So I am sitting here with my feet on the coffee table, tired but satisfied. I have pureed berries in the fridge ready to make syrup tomorrow and 5 gallons of berries in the freezer waiting to be made into pies and jam. It feels really good to be getting back into the swing of things again. Tomorrow .... blackberry syrup. perhaps I will have to have pancakes for dinner.

Just Connie

The Promise

Here it is, Sunday again and that means it is time for today's sermon. Today we are in Galatians 3:15-25.


15Brothers, let me take an example from everyday life. Just as no one can set aside or add to a human covenant that has been duly established, so it is in this case. 16The promises were spoken to Abraham and to his seed. The Scripture does not say “and to seeds,” meaning many people, but “and to your seed,” meaning one person, who is Christ. 17What I mean is this: The law, introduced 430 years later, does not set aside the covenant previously established by God and thus do away with the promise. 18For if the inheritance depends on the law, then it no longer depends on a promise; but God in his grace gave it to Abraham through a promise.


19What, then, was the purpose of the law? It was added because of transgressions until the Seed to whom the promise referred had come. The law was put into effect through angels by a mediator. 20A mediator, however, does not represent just one party; but God is one.


21Is the law, therefore, opposed to the promises of God? Absolutely not! For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law. 22But the Scripture declares that the whole world is a prisoner of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe.


23Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. 24So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. 25Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law.


26You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, 27for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.


God’s promise to Abraham … if Abraham would follow Him then his descendants would be as numerous as the grains of sand. This passage reminds us that because of Christ, that promise is for us. What are the promises we see in this passage?

1. We are prisoners set free

     a. Free from the bondage of the law

     b. Free from the bondage of sin


2. Adopted children of God

     a. Loved by choice

     b. Joint heirs … full inheritance rights


3. Equality in Christ

     a. There is no gender

     b. There is no race

     c. There is no class system

Conclusion: We need to live confidently and freely in the promise of God. The call is to believe and be baptized. That is the starting point for all of us. We are called to live lives of faith and it is time to step into the freedom that God calls us to. Throw off the chains, step into the joy and presence of the Lord.

Just Connie

Annoyance

I am annoyed .... I do not get that way very often. I could feel the irritation rising in me as  the offender continued to talk. The more he talked the more irritated I became. I think what irritated me the most was that there was no graceful way to address it in the group. I ended up not responding to him and beginning a new topic of conversation as I turned away from him.

I realize that I will need to address this with "the offender" next week in private, but I want to let it go until then. I do not like the feeling that being irritated brings. Besides the tension, it builds a wall between myself and the person that I really do not want there.

So tonight I will breathe deep and think loving peaceful thoughts ..... hhhmmm .... I think I better keep trying.

Just Connie

Struggling with Fear

I have to admit that I am still struggling with fear. But I am trying to make some proactive choices to help move me from fear to confidence. Here are some of the things I have done to get a handle on things.

• I called a drug and alcohol counselor to get input on my husbands drinking patterns and behavior
• I met with my pastor's cabinet and shared the problem with them
• I alerted several of my neighbors
• I spoke with a counselor about how I was processing this
• I spoke with my ex-husband's father
• I found several safe houses to run to close by in case I need help
• I replaced the bulbs on the outside to illuminate the perimeter

I have no interest in becoming a prisoner in my own home, but I do want to use common sense to help keep me safe. I also need to find ways to reduce my stress level. I am still throwing up most of my meals right now
  and that tells me I still am carrying too much internal stress. So I will work tomorrow specifically to address that.

Sigh .......  I wish there was an easy button for this.....

Just Connie