i Want My Life Back

My heart hurts ....

So much has been taken from me over the past 5 years by the illness I have been fighting. I feel like I have lost so much that gives me joy and life. But I have worked really hard to stay positive, optimistic and focus on the things I am able to do. I am optimistic by both nurture and nature. It has held me well on this journey.

Today I laid low all day, feel pretty tired and miserable. So when I was called to the scene of a structure fire I was pretty sure I was good to go. I jumped in my car and headed to the fire which was not that far away. Arriving on scene I slipped into my turnouts, put my helmet on and headed up the hill. The reality was I was winded and short of breath by the time I got there. But taking a deep breath I put my mask on and went to check in with the command officer. He handed me the white board and told me to record people in and out and rigs as he gave me a scene size up. When the Deputy Chief arrived on scene, I passed the board on to her and began to take photos. Within minutes I was shaking and short of breath. Frustrated, I sat on a rock wall and began drinking water, trying to recoup. But the reality was that I was not getting better and after I had been on scene an hour, I cleared my passport with the chief and headed home so I would not distract the crews.

Here at home .... Well I have grieved. Yet another thing that is important to me, that I cannot do. This emotionally is a huge loss and right now I cannot see around the loss. I am tired, tired inside and out. Tired of being sick, tired of losing so many activities that are important to me ... I am tired.

I just ... I just ... I just want my life back ....

Just Connie