Woodpecker Attack

Over these past 6 months as my body has struggled and additional drugs have been added, I have found myself in a new physical low. It is both unanticipated and unwanted. I have found myself struggling with new limitations that are straining my ability to cope.

My 8-9 yoga classes a week have dropped to 5-6 classes that I often have to rest through. My normal stamina and strength is a fraction of my norm. I find myself tiring  easily and this week I have actually been slipping home at lunch when I can to eat and rest before heading back to the office. I have been referring some of my emergency calls to my backup chaplain. And though I am absolutely confident that he does a great job, it hurts my heart that I am not doing it.

My house and yard are beginning to look like it is abandoned. It seems when I am home, I am sleeping or have n energy to do the normal maintenance  and chores or any household. It has been all I can do to keep the dishes washed, the bathroom scrubbed and clothes washed. I am beginning to think that one of these days I will walk in and I will be strangled by the cobwebs.  I am finding it hard to do everyday things like carry in the 40 pounds of pellets to load the stove, so I can have heat for the day. And the more it piles up, the more overwhelming it feels.

And I have to admit that as my energy and physical ability has flagged ... There is a sense of discouragement that is often pecking at me. Rather like a woodpecker on a tree, it pecks and pecks and pecks. It whispers words like, "you are not doing enough." And "you are failing". I try hard to keep those whispers at bay, but they are there ... peck peck ... pecking away.

I am blessed with a myriad of people who are praying for me, who constantly encourage me. My family doctor is on, who never fails to tell me to not give up, to trust in the day I will be healed. And it means so much to me. My parents are unswerving in their love and support. But I have to admit there are days that it is very hard.

But I am choosing to believe that it will not always be like this. I am going to choose joy,  because I can and to trust in a beautiful future. I am also going to try to do something that is very hard for me. I am going to ask for help. At least I am going to try. It is not my strong suit, but yet I think it will not only bless me, it will bless those who help.

I will continue to fight, to trust and to live in joy. I believe that God has me in the palm of his hand and there are countless people loving me and praying for me. 

And really what could be better than that.

Just Connie