I am laying here on my bed with my laptop on my stomach, my old senile terrier on my feet while Charlie (Charlotte Anne) my 120 pound sheep dog keeps trying to stick her head under my arm while I am typing. Besides keeping me from being able to see the keyboard, she makes it impossible to actually hit the right keys. I have redone the last sentence 4 times…. now 5 times.
Spring has come to my house. I can tell it is Spring at my house, because Charlie has been doing her spring landscaping. One of Charlie’s breed distinctives is to guard the flock. Of course to guard the flock you need a den to sleep in. So every spring she decides to build a den… IN MY BACK YARD! You need to understand this is not a little hole, this is a bunker you could put a herd of cows in and have room left over. She moves yards and yards of dirt in a very short period of time. I honestly do not know how she does it. I go to work and I come home and I have a brand new back yard. One night I heard something and went running out the back door and fell flat on my face. It seems while I was at work she had built a bunker at the foot of the stairs. That is not where I would have put it.
When I came home tonight, she had a hole that was bigger than I am dug along the fence. And oh boy, she was a mess. She had dirt caked in her hair, her whiskers were caked with mud …. but oh she was happy. Being the poor sport that I am. I went and got a shovel and began to fill the pit back in. I do not understand the physics involved of why there is never enough dirt to fill in the hole that she just dug out? To further discourage her from just re-excavating that spot I drug some firewood over and stacked it up on top of it. I keep thinking she will outgrow this behavior, but she is 8 years old now. I have a feeling this is life time behavior that is hardwired into her.
It is a reminder to me that unlike Charlie, I do not have to be driven my emotions, or urges. I do not want to spend my time digging holes that someone else has to fill in. I guess it comes down to what I will allow to control me.
“You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.” Romans 8:9
That gives me something to ponder while I am filling in the bunkers.
Just Connie
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Cry Day
I cried today. I guess that is not that surprising, but I was trying so hard to not cry. I sometimes feel that I do too much crying and not enough getting angry. Too often I am a conflicting mass of emotions and the emotions I am having I think I should not be feeling. See it doesn’t even make sense when I say it. No wonder it doesn’t make sense when I feel it.
My husband called me today. He told me that he had a down day yesterday. I told him that I knew how that felt. He told me that he missed me. That was the point that I was suddenly slammed with a flood of emotions. I found that wanted to tell him that I hated life without him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him … that I missed him every moment of every day. I tried to superimpose the image of me finding the bottles in the yard Friday … or of me standing before the church congregation and trying to explain to them where the Pastor’s husband was. I ended up saying nothing. I just cried.
The reality is that those things I was feeling are true …. well they’re true when he is not drinking. I do not miss the man he becomes when he drinks. I do not miss the chaos of life with an alcoholic. I do not miss the fear, the hurt … the never ending roller coaster. I do not want to go back to the fear and uncertainty. Never again, never again.
“Continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel” Colossians 1:23
I shall not be moved.
Just Connie
My husband called me today. He told me that he had a down day yesterday. I told him that I knew how that felt. He told me that he missed me. That was the point that I was suddenly slammed with a flood of emotions. I found that wanted to tell him that I hated life without him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him … that I missed him every moment of every day. I tried to superimpose the image of me finding the bottles in the yard Friday … or of me standing before the church congregation and trying to explain to them where the Pastor’s husband was. I ended up saying nothing. I just cried.
The reality is that those things I was feeling are true …. well they’re true when he is not drinking. I do not miss the man he becomes when he drinks. I do not miss the chaos of life with an alcoholic. I do not miss the fear, the hurt … the never ending roller coaster. I do not want to go back to the fear and uncertainty. Never again, never again.
“Continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel” Colossians 1:23
I shall not be moved.
Just Connie
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
My Happy Dance
I got caught doing the happy dance today. The janitor at the office is a man who is staying at the Mission and is volunteering to help out. I rather think it was a side of me that he had never seen and certainly did not expect.. he seemed pretty startled. But there I was in my office doing the happy dance and saying “Woo Hoo!”
The occasion of my celebration was the grant proposal that I just put the finishing touches on. I will bundle it up and deliver it to the Foundation this afternoon. I always breathe a huge sigh of relief when I wrap up each grant and send it on its way with lots of prayers for its final success.
Deadlines have always been a part of my adult life. There have been sermons to write, grant deadlines, meetings, appointments, events … there are so many components of what I do that has a deadline attached to it.
Even though deadlines might be the norm for me, I do not always find them easy. There are too many times when the pressure of overlapping deadlines are smothering me. I think sometimes it is like being a deep sea diver. You have to be very careful to monitor your rate of descent and ascent because the pressure can kill you. You are okay in the suit as long as you pay attention.
I think it also matters what I pay attention to. In my own life I need to look beyond my projects and deadlines. There are things that I need in my life every day:
- I need to connect with Christ
- I need to connect with people
- I need to laugh
- I need to dance
All of those things will help me decrease the pressure and increase my feeling of well being. I think it is probably more important than all of my deadlines put together.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come”. Proverbs 31:25
With that in mind, next I think I will go and shock the secretaries with my happy dance… you know that will make me laugh.
Just Connie
Monday, April 27, 2009
Bubba Bunny
I have a small furry man who lives with me. He is actually a house bunny by the name of Bubba Bunny who has been an entertaining part of the household for about 5 years. He is housebroken and uses a litter box. He races around the family room which he has staked out as his very own and does flips and jumps. He is so much fun to watch.
His special area is the hearth. Everything on the hearth is his … just ask him and he will tell you. When dad and I were last trying to fix the pellet stove we made the mistake of placing some tools on the hearth. Bubba Bunny immediately came along and pushed them off on the floor. He looked at us and seemed to say, “If I wanted that there I would have put it there.”
He has very strong opinions about most everything. Tonight he was really put out with me. My crime was to change his litter box. He growled at me when I took it and he growled at me when I brought it back. You have no idea how intimidating a little bitty rabbit can be until you have had a rabbit charge and growl at you. I told him I was going to make him change his own littler box next time. He immediately jumped in it and began tossing paper and hay all around. I just stood there and laughed at him. He just turned his little furry back on me and growled.
One of Bubba’s great loves is my 15 year old terrier. Bubba likes to snuggle up to the dog and groom him. The dog is not so fond of it. In fact the dog growls and snaps at the bunny. They are like a bickering elderly couple. They always make me laugh.
The pets have been good and faithful friends to me. I have been especially grateful for their unconditional love and affection through these past months. Even with all of their quirks and “pet incidents” my pets really do improve my life. They love me without question and without reservation. They help me focus outside of myself and often get me up and moving …. even when I do not want to.
Tonight I am grateful for all that they add to my life. I am grateful for the many ways that God brings love and laughter into my life.
“for your love is ever before me” Psalm 26:3
His special area is the hearth. Everything on the hearth is his … just ask him and he will tell you. When dad and I were last trying to fix the pellet stove we made the mistake of placing some tools on the hearth. Bubba Bunny immediately came along and pushed them off on the floor. He looked at us and seemed to say, “If I wanted that there I would have put it there.”
He has very strong opinions about most everything. Tonight he was really put out with me. My crime was to change his litter box. He growled at me when I took it and he growled at me when I brought it back. You have no idea how intimidating a little bitty rabbit can be until you have had a rabbit charge and growl at you. I told him I was going to make him change his own littler box next time. He immediately jumped in it and began tossing paper and hay all around. I just stood there and laughed at him. He just turned his little furry back on me and growled.
One of Bubba’s great loves is my 15 year old terrier. Bubba likes to snuggle up to the dog and groom him. The dog is not so fond of it. In fact the dog growls and snaps at the bunny. They are like a bickering elderly couple. They always make me laugh.
The pets have been good and faithful friends to me. I have been especially grateful for their unconditional love and affection through these past months. Even with all of their quirks and “pet incidents” my pets really do improve my life. They love me without question and without reservation. They help me focus outside of myself and often get me up and moving …. even when I do not want to.
Tonight I am grateful for all that they add to my life. I am grateful for the many ways that God brings love and laughter into my life.
“for your love is ever before me” Psalm 26:3
Just Connie
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Dumb Knowledge
It’s Sunday and here is this morning’s sermon.
Acts 8:9-25
9Now for some time a man named Simon had practiced sorcery in the city and amazed all the people of Samaria. He boasted that he was someone great, 10and all the people, both high and low, gave him their attention and exclaimed, "This man is the divine power known as the Great Power." 11They followed him because he had amazed them for a long time with his magic. 12But when they believed Philip as he preached the good news of the kingdom of God and the name of Jesus Christ, they were baptized, both men and women. 13Simon himself believed and was baptized. And he followed Philip everywhere, astonished by the great signs and miracles he saw.
14When the apostles in Jerusalem heard that Samaria had accepted the word of God, they sent Peter and John to them. 15When they arrived, they prayed for them that they might receive the Holy Spirit, 16because the Holy Spirit had not yet come upon any of them; they had simply been baptized into[c] the name of the Lord Jesus. 17Then Peter and John placed their hands on them, and they received the Holy Spirit.
18When Simon saw that the Spirit was given at the laying on of the apostles' hands, he offered them money 19and said, "Give me also this ability so that everyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit."
20Peter answered: "May your money perish with you, because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money! 21You have no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. 22Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forgive you for having such a thought in your heart. 23For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin."
24Then Simon answered, "Pray to the Lord for me so that nothing you have said may happen to me."
25When they had testified and proclaimed the word of the Lord, Peter and John returned to Jerusalem, preaching the gospel in many Samaritan villages.
Simon the Sorcerer is a wonderful example to all of us. We see some clear traits in him that can serve as warnings for all of us. We also see knowledge in Simon. He knew all kinds of stuff, sorcery, people; he even studied these new Christians to gain the knowledge they had. But this very knowledge imperiled him. Let’s look at Simon.
1. He was self important (he boasted that he was great) vs. 9
2. He was a power broker.(People followed him and thought he was a god) vs. 10
3. He was a believer (he claimed Christ)
4. He was baptized
5. He was bitter
6. He was not content
7. He was impatient
Conclusion: The reality is that Simon the Sorcerer had a heart problem. Peter called him on his bitterness and under-laying attitude. Simon was not content with where he was and was not willing to learn and grow. He sought to catapult himself to the forefront once again.
Ultimately we do not know what Simon decided. However, we can decide in our own lives. Is my attitude everything that it should be? Can I accept where I am and find joy in this moment … right where I am? I alone am responsible for my attitude. Am I willing to lay down my disappointments, my brokenness … everything I am…. everything that I do? The choice is mine.
1. He was self important (he boasted that he was great) vs. 9
2. He was a power broker.(People followed him and thought he was a god) vs. 10
3. He was a believer (he claimed Christ)
4. He was baptized
5. He was bitter
6. He was not content
7. He was impatient
Conclusion: The reality is that Simon the Sorcerer had a heart problem. Peter called him on his bitterness and under-laying attitude. Simon was not content with where he was and was not willing to learn and grow. He sought to catapult himself to the forefront once again.
Ultimately we do not know what Simon decided. However, we can decide in our own lives. Is my attitude everything that it should be? Can I accept where I am and find joy in this moment … right where I am? I alone am responsible for my attitude. Am I willing to lay down my disappointments, my brokenness … everything I am…. everything that I do? The choice is mine.
Thought For Today
Submission is at the heart of omission of sin
Submission is at the heart of omission of sin
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Resolved
When I came back to my house several months ago after being gone a month and a half, I had prepared myself for some tough jobs. The first one was to scrub and scrub and scrub the house. That wasn’t too bad, just necessary. Then I had two tasks that I did not want to do, but I knew that I had to. The first one was to pack up the things that my husband had left and put them away. I tried very hard to make it clinical and to emotionally step back from the task at hand, but every belonging brought back a flood of memories and a fresh longing in my heart. The last task which I dreaded and had done before was to check around the house and grounds for alcohol, both empty and full. Last time he left, I filled garbage bags with the bottles, cans and stuff I found in every imaginable nook and cranny. Over the years I had gotten pretty good at checking those spots for confirmation of his drinking when I needed to. But it was always a horrible and heartbreaking task.
This time when I tackled the “alcohol sweep” it really went as well as could be expected. Some of the major stashes had nothing in them and it looked like he had actually made a good faith effort to clean them up before he left. I think that it is one of the reasons why finding those bottles yesterday has hit me so hard. It was an unexpected (but oh so familiar) slap with the reality of living with an alcoholic. I was hurt, I was confused and I was grieved. But today I am resolved.
- I am resolved to living a life without fear. I choose to live in the freedom and joy of Christ.
- I am resolved to live with out shame. I will live with my head held high as I live in Christ’s holiness.
- I am resolved to keep learning and growing day by day.
- I am resolved to love lavishly. What better affirmation of the reality of Christ than to choose to love?
“For I resolved to know nothing… except Jesus Christ and him crucified” 1 Corinthians 2:2
Today I am resolved. These resolutions can change my life if I will carry them into all my tomorrows as well.
Just Connie
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Bottles
I failed, I did not reach the goals I set for myself tonight. I thought I was ready for anything. I thought nothing would keep me from reaching my goals. A freshly mowed lawn and no crying. That is pretty straight forward and easy … right?
It started out pretty good. I got the lawn mower started and though it was difficult to push it through the long grass, it was getting done. I felt my first quiver of disquiet when I came across the string of Christmas lights. I slowly pulled them out of the tangle of grass and thought about the harsh daily reality of living with an alcoholic. Did he not see this string when he took them down? Was he too drunk to care? I shook my head and with great determination resolutely pushed those thoughts aside and started the lawn mower once again.
I kept struggling through the grass inch by inch making slow difficult progress until I came to the 40 ounce malt liquor bottle. There it lay there in the flower bed, hidden by the grass that had grown up around it. I took a deep breath, picked it up and walked to the garbage can dropping it on top of the Christmas lights. I stood there and looked at the “evidence” for a long while. It was with a much more somber demeanor that I started the lawn mower and began to mow again. When I came across the whiskey bottle I lost it. I sat down in the middle of the front lawn and cried.
There is really no easy way to explain everything that I am feeling at this point. I am having trouble sorting it all out. I am grieved at the sheer waste those empty bottles represent. The waste of the life and promise that Christ had given a wonderful and talented man, the waste of relationships broken and discarded along the way …. thrown away as so much worthless garbage. I am also hurt as I remember the man who wanted those bottles more than he wanted me… more than he wanted anything else. The hurt swells up within me and threatens to choke off the very air I breathe.
I keep trying to remind myself that this is part of the process, there will be times that I hurt and times that I cry. But the searing reality is that this hurt is an overwhelming flood that I can see no way out of at this moment.
“I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.” Psalm 69:29
I choose to believe that God is sufficient for this hurt even now. God loves me, God loves me, God loves me . That is enough to hold on to until the flood has passed.
Just Connie
It started out pretty good. I got the lawn mower started and though it was difficult to push it through the long grass, it was getting done. I felt my first quiver of disquiet when I came across the string of Christmas lights. I slowly pulled them out of the tangle of grass and thought about the harsh daily reality of living with an alcoholic. Did he not see this string when he took them down? Was he too drunk to care? I shook my head and with great determination resolutely pushed those thoughts aside and started the lawn mower once again.
I kept struggling through the grass inch by inch making slow difficult progress until I came to the 40 ounce malt liquor bottle. There it lay there in the flower bed, hidden by the grass that had grown up around it. I took a deep breath, picked it up and walked to the garbage can dropping it on top of the Christmas lights. I stood there and looked at the “evidence” for a long while. It was with a much more somber demeanor that I started the lawn mower and began to mow again. When I came across the whiskey bottle I lost it. I sat down in the middle of the front lawn and cried.
There is really no easy way to explain everything that I am feeling at this point. I am having trouble sorting it all out. I am grieved at the sheer waste those empty bottles represent. The waste of the life and promise that Christ had given a wonderful and talented man, the waste of relationships broken and discarded along the way …. thrown away as so much worthless garbage. I am also hurt as I remember the man who wanted those bottles more than he wanted me… more than he wanted anything else. The hurt swells up within me and threatens to choke off the very air I breathe.
I keep trying to remind myself that this is part of the process, there will be times that I hurt and times that I cry. But the searing reality is that this hurt is an overwhelming flood that I can see no way out of at this moment.
“I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.” Psalm 69:29
I choose to believe that God is sufficient for this hurt even now. God loves me, God loves me, God loves me . That is enough to hold on to until the flood has passed.
Just Connie
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Reprieve
Reprieve! I got a reprieve from the “chore”. It rained! I don’t know when I have been so glad to see the rain. That means no lawn mowing for me tonight. I almost did a little dance of joy in the middle of my front lawn when I got home.
Unfortunately, it does not excuse me from all the other chores that awaited me tonight. You know the 101 different tasks that are a part of keeping up a house. Unloading the dishwasher, starting a load of laundry, feeding the animals, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom …. well the list goes on and on. I never seem to come to the end of the things that should be done. I never seem to get to the things that I would like to do and my energy always seems to give out before the list of chores do.
The list of unending chores are sometimes overwhelming. I have never been a solo housekeeper. I have always had a husband or children that pitched in and helped out. This is uncharted territory for me and there is much about it that I do not particularly like. I am trying to get through this with grace … well if not grace then at least with purpose and direction.
So tonight I work inside, I will do the tasks I can with the energy I have. Tomorrow I will face the lawn once again. All I can say is “Rain, baby rain!”
“He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven … and fills your hearts with joy." Acts 14:7
Just Connie
Unfortunately, it does not excuse me from all the other chores that awaited me tonight. You know the 101 different tasks that are a part of keeping up a house. Unloading the dishwasher, starting a load of laundry, feeding the animals, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom …. well the list goes on and on. I never seem to come to the end of the things that should be done. I never seem to get to the things that I would like to do and my energy always seems to give out before the list of chores do.
The list of unending chores are sometimes overwhelming. I have never been a solo housekeeper. I have always had a husband or children that pitched in and helped out. This is uncharted territory for me and there is much about it that I do not particularly like. I am trying to get through this with grace … well if not grace then at least with purpose and direction.
So tonight I work inside, I will do the tasks I can with the energy I have. Tomorrow I will face the lawn once again. All I can say is “Rain, baby rain!”
“He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven … and fills your hearts with joy." Acts 14:7
Just Connie
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The Lawn
I have a chore to do….. I don’t much want to do it. But I need to do it anyway. It greeted me as I drove in the driveway tonight. Green grass .... long green grass everywhere. It is beginning to look like a vacant house. I was going to do it tonight but I had so much housework to get done that I didn’t get to the “chore”. At least that is the excuse I am giving and I plan to stick to it.
Last week I had a special surprise when one of the neighbor boys came down and mowed my lawn. I paid him cause it was really long … and the first time it had been cut this year. I was so relieved that I probably would have signed over the title to my car if he asked me. His mother came over as a special surprise and weeded my front flower bed. Then she planted pansies in my window box. I was absolutely blown away. It made me cry that they would take the time to help me. They are a special blessing to me and I am so glad that we are neighbors.
That was last week. This week we have had good weather and warm temperatures and the lawn is beginning to look like African savannah again. I would love to have a really good excuse to keep putting it off, but I am running out of reasonable excuses. Sigh … which means that I should do the responsible thing and mow my lawn … I do not know why this seems like such an overwhelming chore.
Last time my husband left, my father and my nephew came over and taught me to mow the lawn. It was a wonderful thing to do because I had never mowed a lawn in my life. I really struggled, I would mow the back yard and then sit on the steps and cry. Then I would mow the front lawn and sit on the steps and cry. And sometimes I would just cry through the whole process because it was so overwhelming to me.
This time my goal is that there will be no crying allowed when mowing. That is my plan. And yet I find that I am strangely reluctant to actually do this. This is not a hard thing. I should not make this so difficult. But yet, it is this huge unwieldy thing that I do not know what to do with. So when I do not know what to do, there is someone to turn to.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified … for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
I guess it is a matter of leaning on God instead of me. It is time for me to be strong and courageous. I can do this. God is big enough for this. So I declare tomorrow to be lawn mowing day. …… perhaps it will rain.
Just Connie
Last week I had a special surprise when one of the neighbor boys came down and mowed my lawn. I paid him cause it was really long … and the first time it had been cut this year. I was so relieved that I probably would have signed over the title to my car if he asked me. His mother came over as a special surprise and weeded my front flower bed. Then she planted pansies in my window box. I was absolutely blown away. It made me cry that they would take the time to help me. They are a special blessing to me and I am so glad that we are neighbors.
That was last week. This week we have had good weather and warm temperatures and the lawn is beginning to look like African savannah again. I would love to have a really good excuse to keep putting it off, but I am running out of reasonable excuses. Sigh … which means that I should do the responsible thing and mow my lawn … I do not know why this seems like such an overwhelming chore.
Last time my husband left, my father and my nephew came over and taught me to mow the lawn. It was a wonderful thing to do because I had never mowed a lawn in my life. I really struggled, I would mow the back yard and then sit on the steps and cry. Then I would mow the front lawn and sit on the steps and cry. And sometimes I would just cry through the whole process because it was so overwhelming to me.
This time my goal is that there will be no crying allowed when mowing. That is my plan. And yet I find that I am strangely reluctant to actually do this. This is not a hard thing. I should not make this so difficult. But yet, it is this huge unwieldy thing that I do not know what to do with. So when I do not know what to do, there is someone to turn to.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified … for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
I guess it is a matter of leaning on God instead of me. It is time for me to be strong and courageous. I can do this. God is big enough for this. So I declare tomorrow to be lawn mowing day. …… perhaps it will rain.
Just Connie
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Arrgghhhh!
Arrgghhhh! Can you hear the frustration in that? Can you feel my pain? Well let me ask you this; do you have pets? If so than perhaps you can “feel my pain”.
I often write about the furry people I live with. There is Bubba Bunny who rules the family room. There is Bear, the 8 pound Terrier who is a slightly senile lovable little man of 15. And then there is Charlie, my 120 pound sheep dog. She is a big hairy goofball and she knows that she was created to sit on my lap. (I need a much bigger lap) Between the three of them, life is never dull.
Yesterday was a long busy day and I got home about 8:45pm and let the dogs in, checked on Bubba and hopped in the shower. As I showered I thought I heard something odd. I turned off the shower to listen and heard …. “Oh please nooo... don’t let it be that.” Yep, the unmistakable sound of a dog throwing up. I grabbed a towel as an token effort of modesty. (I didn’t want to traumatize the dogs) and ran in my bedroom just in time to see Charlie bringing up who knows what in the middle of the carpet. First of all I can’t believe that it is possible for one dog to eat that much and secondly “Eeeeeeewwww!” Still trailing soap and water, I ran to get carpet cleaner, plastic bags, paper towels and a scrub brush only to hit the pergo flooring and immediately did my imitation of sliding into home base. Ow! Ow! Ow! With a floor burn on leg, my towel under the table and no concern for modesty, I got up and made another try for the cleaning supplies only to hear … more throwing up.
By the time I limped back to the bedroom with the cleaning supplies she was throwing up yet again. Bear had tried to jump across the piles of “ick” and of course had missed ….. which meant he was now coated in “stuff”. That would have not been quite so bad, if he had not then immediately jumped up on my bed. I finally got Charlie out of the bedroom and put her out on the deck. (By then I did not care how many neighbors saw me naked)I went back into the bedroom snagged Bear by the scruff of the neck and threw him out on the deck as well. Then I got to go back to the mess and begin cleaning and scrubbing, and scrubbing and scrubbing. Then I stripped all of my bedding and began doing laundry. Then I finally got to finish my shower.
”Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” James 1:2
I only have one thing to add. Arrgghhhh!
Just Connie
I often write about the furry people I live with. There is Bubba Bunny who rules the family room. There is Bear, the 8 pound Terrier who is a slightly senile lovable little man of 15. And then there is Charlie, my 120 pound sheep dog. She is a big hairy goofball and she knows that she was created to sit on my lap. (I need a much bigger lap) Between the three of them, life is never dull.
Yesterday was a long busy day and I got home about 8:45pm and let the dogs in, checked on Bubba and hopped in the shower. As I showered I thought I heard something odd. I turned off the shower to listen and heard …. “Oh please nooo... don’t let it be that.” Yep, the unmistakable sound of a dog throwing up. I grabbed a towel as an token effort of modesty. (I didn’t want to traumatize the dogs) and ran in my bedroom just in time to see Charlie bringing up who knows what in the middle of the carpet. First of all I can’t believe that it is possible for one dog to eat that much and secondly “Eeeeeeewwww!” Still trailing soap and water, I ran to get carpet cleaner, plastic bags, paper towels and a scrub brush only to hit the pergo flooring and immediately did my imitation of sliding into home base. Ow! Ow! Ow! With a floor burn on leg, my towel under the table and no concern for modesty, I got up and made another try for the cleaning supplies only to hear … more throwing up.
By the time I limped back to the bedroom with the cleaning supplies she was throwing up yet again. Bear had tried to jump across the piles of “ick” and of course had missed ….. which meant he was now coated in “stuff”. That would have not been quite so bad, if he had not then immediately jumped up on my bed. I finally got Charlie out of the bedroom and put her out on the deck. (By then I did not care how many neighbors saw me naked)I went back into the bedroom snagged Bear by the scruff of the neck and threw him out on the deck as well. Then I got to go back to the mess and begin cleaning and scrubbing, and scrubbing and scrubbing. Then I stripped all of my bedding and began doing laundry. Then I finally got to finish my shower.
”Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” James 1:2
I only have one thing to add. Arrgghhhh!
Just Connie
Monday, April 20, 2009
A Good Day
Today is my birthday. When I thought about it at all, I really thought today would be a kind of sad day. With my husband gone and so many recent deaths, I thought it would be hard to see past the loss, but I was surprised by laughter today again and again. It has been a great day.
To begin with I had a plethora of Facebook friends that began wishing me a happy birthday last night and it has continued throughout the day. It has been so much fun to hear from people and receive their well wishes for my day and their comments on my rapidly approaching old age. I cherish each and every person who took the time to tease me, challenge me and wish me Happy Birthday.
I had a co-worker who grabbed a couple of hamburgers, packed a picnic lunch and took me for a walk across the brand new pedestrian bridge across the Willamette River. It was a bright sunshiny day that is very rare in Oregon … in April. It was beautiful. We sat at the river’s edge and ate our lunch and just watched the water flow by. I could feel the stress just slowly dissipate. It was a wonderful, unexpected interlude in the middle of a very busy day. It was a perfect present and I was filled with a sense of peace as I sat there.
My daughter stopped by with a present and card. It was so good to see her. She gave me a plaque that says “Dance as if no one can see you.” It is the perfect gift. She knows how I have struggled with feeling like a big clumsy cow in dance class. Sometimes it is so hard to just try. It was a very good reminder and a good challenge for me as well.
I got a card from the men’s staff that had them recorded saying happy birthday Connie. I was so surprised. I did not even know they made cards like that. I will keep that card around to remind me of the time they took to let me know they care. I was blessed and surprised.
And tonight I get to have dinner with friends. I am so looking forward to it. It will be a full and busy day. It will be a good and wonderful day. Not what I expected, but something so much better.
I think that tells me something about my thought processes. Perhaps I need to stop expecting it to be “hard” or “bad”. Perhaps I need to expect that God has good things in store for me today. How would my life be changed if I lived a life of expectancy? Today was a good day … I think I will expect tomorrow to be even better.
“O LORD, you are God! You have promised these good things to your servant”. 1 Chronicles 17:26
Just Connie
To begin with I had a plethora of Facebook friends that began wishing me a happy birthday last night and it has continued throughout the day. It has been so much fun to hear from people and receive their well wishes for my day and their comments on my rapidly approaching old age. I cherish each and every person who took the time to tease me, challenge me and wish me Happy Birthday.
I had a co-worker who grabbed a couple of hamburgers, packed a picnic lunch and took me for a walk across the brand new pedestrian bridge across the Willamette River. It was a bright sunshiny day that is very rare in Oregon … in April. It was beautiful. We sat at the river’s edge and ate our lunch and just watched the water flow by. I could feel the stress just slowly dissipate. It was a wonderful, unexpected interlude in the middle of a very busy day. It was a perfect present and I was filled with a sense of peace as I sat there.
My daughter stopped by with a present and card. It was so good to see her. She gave me a plaque that says “Dance as if no one can see you.” It is the perfect gift. She knows how I have struggled with feeling like a big clumsy cow in dance class. Sometimes it is so hard to just try. It was a very good reminder and a good challenge for me as well.
I got a card from the men’s staff that had them recorded saying happy birthday Connie. I was so surprised. I did not even know they made cards like that. I will keep that card around to remind me of the time they took to let me know they care. I was blessed and surprised.
And tonight I get to have dinner with friends. I am so looking forward to it. It will be a full and busy day. It will be a good and wonderful day. Not what I expected, but something so much better.
I think that tells me something about my thought processes. Perhaps I need to stop expecting it to be “hard” or “bad”. Perhaps I need to expect that God has good things in store for me today. How would my life be changed if I lived a life of expectancy? Today was a good day … I think I will expect tomorrow to be even better.
“O LORD, you are God! You have promised these good things to your servant”. 1 Chronicles 17:26
Just Connie
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Right Here, Right Now
It’s Sunday! And here is today’s sermon.
Acts 8:4-8
4Those who had been scattered preached the word wherever they went. 5Philip went down to a city in Samaria and proclaimed the Christ[a]there. 6When the crowds heard Philip and saw the miraculous signs he did, they all paid close attention to what he said. 7With shrieks, evil[b] spirits came out of many, and many paralytics and cripples were healed. 8So there was great joy in that city.
Intro: In the past weeks we have seen the excitement of the new church. People were being saved, new ministries were being started … wonderful things were happening …. and it all came to an agonizing stop. Stephen was stoned to death and the new church was scattered. The persecutions began and we see young Saul in his zeal going door to door and putting the Christians in jail.
People were rooted out of the culture. Families were broken up. They were refuges in a hostile world. And Philip ended up in Samaria.
Samaria was a horrible place to the Jews. They considered the people of Samaria to be less than dogs … even worse than Gentiles. The Samaritans followed Judaism, but were in a long standing disagreement about the temple. They had built their own temple on the mountain which was rank heresy to the Jews.
I think there are things in Philip that we need to play attention to.
1. He did not get distracted by the circumstances.
2. He did not let personal conflicts, prejudices hinder him.
3. He did what he had been called to do.
4. He utilized the gifting that God gave him.
5. He preached Christ.
Conclusion: The reality is that what Philip did brought great joy to the city. He changed lives. His faithfulness, his obedience in difficult circumstances helped to spread the gospel. We need to stop waiting for the perfect circumstances in our lives and just “do it”. Right here, right now, do what we are called to do. It is time to change our world and Lord … start with me.
Thought For Today
My “circumstances” are my Mission field.
Acts 8:4-8
4Those who had been scattered preached the word wherever they went. 5Philip went down to a city in Samaria and proclaimed the Christ[a]there. 6When the crowds heard Philip and saw the miraculous signs he did, they all paid close attention to what he said. 7With shrieks, evil[b] spirits came out of many, and many paralytics and cripples were healed. 8So there was great joy in that city.
Intro: In the past weeks we have seen the excitement of the new church. People were being saved, new ministries were being started … wonderful things were happening …. and it all came to an agonizing stop. Stephen was stoned to death and the new church was scattered. The persecutions began and we see young Saul in his zeal going door to door and putting the Christians in jail.
People were rooted out of the culture. Families were broken up. They were refuges in a hostile world. And Philip ended up in Samaria.
Samaria was a horrible place to the Jews. They considered the people of Samaria to be less than dogs … even worse than Gentiles. The Samaritans followed Judaism, but were in a long standing disagreement about the temple. They had built their own temple on the mountain which was rank heresy to the Jews.
I think there are things in Philip that we need to play attention to.
1. He did not get distracted by the circumstances.
2. He did not let personal conflicts, prejudices hinder him.
3. He did what he had been called to do.
4. He utilized the gifting that God gave him.
5. He preached Christ.
Conclusion: The reality is that what Philip did brought great joy to the city. He changed lives. His faithfulness, his obedience in difficult circumstances helped to spread the gospel. We need to stop waiting for the perfect circumstances in our lives and just “do it”. Right here, right now, do what we are called to do. It is time to change our world and Lord … start with me.
Thought For Today
My “circumstances” are my Mission field.
Just Connie
Saturday, April 18, 2009
High School Friends
I laughed today, it felt satisfying and good. In fact I laughed many times and I just looked in the mirror and I am still smiling. It has been a long time since I have felt this general sense of well being.
This afternoon was my pre-35 year reunion meeting. I was nervous about going. Afraid that no one would know me… afraid that no one would want to talk to me…. afraid I would find nothing in common with these people that I went to school with. Well, none of those fears were realized today. I hugged and kissed people I have not seen in 30 years. People that I was genuinely glad to see and hear how their lives have gone. I felt affirmed and valued and I was touched at the school incidents that people remembered and shared.
Near the end of the meeting as I was talking, I was asked this question, “Did I do anything to you that I need to apologize for or did I hurt you in any way?” I was very surprised at the depth of that question. In this case there was nothing to forgive and I was warmed and touched that he took such a risk with me and asked.
That question has got me thinking …. what would be different in my life and in the lives of those around me if I asked them that? I wonder how many potential problems I could head off, if I put more thought into the relationship, put more of “me” on the line. It is kind of a scary thought, because there might be things that I am unaware of , that I do need to apologize for … things I really do not want to hear. I guess it is really about humbling my “importance” and my "fears" for the well being of someone else. It is about caring for the people around me.
“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.” Psalm 25:9
I think I am going to ponder this question and pray about what God would have me do. I think it might be time for me to be stretched.
Just Connie
This afternoon was my pre-35 year reunion meeting. I was nervous about going. Afraid that no one would know me… afraid that no one would want to talk to me…. afraid I would find nothing in common with these people that I went to school with. Well, none of those fears were realized today. I hugged and kissed people I have not seen in 30 years. People that I was genuinely glad to see and hear how their lives have gone. I felt affirmed and valued and I was touched at the school incidents that people remembered and shared.
Near the end of the meeting as I was talking, I was asked this question, “Did I do anything to you that I need to apologize for or did I hurt you in any way?” I was very surprised at the depth of that question. In this case there was nothing to forgive and I was warmed and touched that he took such a risk with me and asked.
That question has got me thinking …. what would be different in my life and in the lives of those around me if I asked them that? I wonder how many potential problems I could head off, if I put more thought into the relationship, put more of “me” on the line. It is kind of a scary thought, because there might be things that I am unaware of , that I do need to apologize for … things I really do not want to hear. I guess it is really about humbling my “importance” and my "fears" for the well being of someone else. It is about caring for the people around me.
“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.” Psalm 25:9
I think I am going to ponder this question and pray about what God would have me do. I think it might be time for me to be stretched.
Just Connie
Friday, April 17, 2009
High School Reunion
I was busy and happy throughout high school. I was involved in everything and felt a part of the flow of high school activities. I have many good memories of those years. After graduation I sporadically kept in contact with a few, but over the years had lost track of even those few.
Several years ago I registered with classmates.com and occasionally I have heard from someone I went to school with. That has been a lot of fun but not too demanding or intimidating.
A couple of weeks ago I got a notice that there was a pre 35 year reunion meeting and I thought “O that would be fun.” But the closer it got, the scarier it got. I was relieved when I had a conflict with another meeting. But then my conflict resolved, I still could not bring myself to call for a reservation. It just felt risky. My mother began to nag me. (you know mothers always know best) One night I finally picked up the courage and called the organizer who had been a high school friend of mine.
It was wonderful to talk to her and the years rolled away as we updated each other. Tomorrow is the get together and I find that I am looking forward to it. I think it will be a great time of reminiscing. It will also offer the chance to get to know the adults that my friends grew into. I think that we probably all want the same thing. A chance to belong, connect and to be respected. I guess it is not all that different from high school after all.
Just Connie
Several years ago I registered with classmates.com and occasionally I have heard from someone I went to school with. That has been a lot of fun but not too demanding or intimidating.
A couple of weeks ago I got a notice that there was a pre 35 year reunion meeting and I thought “O that would be fun.” But the closer it got, the scarier it got. I was relieved when I had a conflict with another meeting. But then my conflict resolved, I still could not bring myself to call for a reservation. It just felt risky. My mother began to nag me. (you know mothers always know best) One night I finally picked up the courage and called the organizer who had been a high school friend of mine.
It was wonderful to talk to her and the years rolled away as we updated each other. Tomorrow is the get together and I find that I am looking forward to it. I think it will be a great time of reminiscing. It will also offer the chance to get to know the adults that my friends grew into. I think that we probably all want the same thing. A chance to belong, connect and to be respected. I guess it is not all that different from high school after all.
Just Connie
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Annoying People
Annoying people …. they just do not go away. No matter how you try to avoid them they seem to jump out at you when you least expect them. Today I have been working on a grant. A grant needs uninterrupted time to research and write. Today it was one interruption after another. I found my frustration growing with each interruption. Then there was the big interruption.
I have a co-worker that I struggle with. He is like a bull in a china shop. He usually just blows through and does what seems right to him. Unfortunately it usually leaves a wake of destruction in terms of people damage behind him. I know that I have been mad enough at him to visualize lobbing a few of the polished rocks I keep on my desk at him. He always seems totally unaware of the turmoil he is creating. He rushes from one thing to another and leaves the rest of us to somehow try to put all the pieces back together again. I have begun to dread my interactions with him.
Today was like that, I was trying to bring all my thoughts in focus and do some solid research writing when my assistant came in rolling her eyes at me with him in tow. He was talking, talking, TALKING. As he was rushing through telling me what he was going to do, and not pausing for breath to allow any outside input, I found my hand caressing the largest of my agates. It is about the size of a potato and has a nice satisfying weight to it. I was trying hard to maintain a neutral listening expression but what I wanted to do was leap over the top of my desk and smack him hard with something …. anything … the agate would work just fine.
The reality is that smacking him would not help. He is what he is and I somehow need to learn to love him even if he never changes. Scripture is very clear about what God’s expectations are of me.
“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” Matthew 5:44
I think the answer to this frustration will be found as I diligently pray for this man. Not pray that God will fry him, but pray that God will guide him, bless him and fill his day with joy. There is no better time to start than now …. but first perhaps I should move the rocks off my desk.
Just Connie
I have a co-worker that I struggle with. He is like a bull in a china shop. He usually just blows through and does what seems right to him. Unfortunately it usually leaves a wake of destruction in terms of people damage behind him. I know that I have been mad enough at him to visualize lobbing a few of the polished rocks I keep on my desk at him. He always seems totally unaware of the turmoil he is creating. He rushes from one thing to another and leaves the rest of us to somehow try to put all the pieces back together again. I have begun to dread my interactions with him.
Today was like that, I was trying to bring all my thoughts in focus and do some solid research writing when my assistant came in rolling her eyes at me with him in tow. He was talking, talking, TALKING. As he was rushing through telling me what he was going to do, and not pausing for breath to allow any outside input, I found my hand caressing the largest of my agates. It is about the size of a potato and has a nice satisfying weight to it. I was trying hard to maintain a neutral listening expression but what I wanted to do was leap over the top of my desk and smack him hard with something …. anything … the agate would work just fine.
The reality is that smacking him would not help. He is what he is and I somehow need to learn to love him even if he never changes. Scripture is very clear about what God’s expectations are of me.
“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” Matthew 5:44
I think the answer to this frustration will be found as I diligently pray for this man. Not pray that God will fry him, but pray that God will guide him, bless him and fill his day with joy. There is no better time to start than now …. but first perhaps I should move the rocks off my desk.
Just Connie
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The War Continues
The raccoon wars continue at my house. I don’t know who I am more frustrated with…. the raccoons or Charlie? It has been almost a week solid of interrupted nights. Last night was the worst yet with several hours of Charlie alerting me to the masked intruders. I find it hard to believe that the dog who will let birds pull hair off her while she is sleeping on the deck for their nests is the same dog who goes off like a ballistic missile if a raccoon is near the house.
I even tried putting her in bed with me. Then she just laid on the bed and growled, punctuated by episodes of snarling, barking and growling. You haven’t lived until you lay in bed with 120 pounds of growling, snarling fur. At one point last night I can remember taking a swing in the direction of the growling. Luckily for Charlie, she was no where near my flailing hand.
It has been a good opportunity for me to ask myself “Why in the world do I have pets?” No, that is not the question …. sorry that just slipped out of a tired mind. It is a good opportunity to examine my attitude and my patience level and to ask “are my actions and reactions everything that they should be?” Because I can feel my frustration growing night by night as I am awakened by this absolutely unreasonable war. It is an excellent time to turn to Scripture for the reminder of what my goal is.
“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” Philippians 2:5
As uncomfortable as it can be, I need to look at my daily frustrations, raccoons and all, as growth opportunities. There is something for me to learn even in this. I wonder if I can declare this a demilitarized zone?
Just Connie
I even tried putting her in bed with me. Then she just laid on the bed and growled, punctuated by episodes of snarling, barking and growling. You haven’t lived until you lay in bed with 120 pounds of growling, snarling fur. At one point last night I can remember taking a swing in the direction of the growling. Luckily for Charlie, she was no where near my flailing hand.
It has been a good opportunity for me to ask myself “Why in the world do I have pets?” No, that is not the question …. sorry that just slipped out of a tired mind. It is a good opportunity to examine my attitude and my patience level and to ask “are my actions and reactions everything that they should be?” Because I can feel my frustration growing night by night as I am awakened by this absolutely unreasonable war. It is an excellent time to turn to Scripture for the reminder of what my goal is.
“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” Philippians 2:5
As uncomfortable as it can be, I need to look at my daily frustrations, raccoons and all, as growth opportunities. There is something for me to learn even in this. I wonder if I can declare this a demilitarized zone?
Just Connie
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Forever Moments
I embarrassed myself today. That in itself is not that unusual. I have had many of those “Oh No!” moments. Like the time I fell in the dayroom at the Mission in front of about 150 homeless men. I landed in a pile with my skirt over my head. Or the time I was leading a tour of high-schoolers through the Mission and someone finally told me half way through the tour that my skirt was tucked in the top of my pantyhose. Those are the moments that stay with you forever.
I think I am going to remember today. I took my car in to have the oil changed. It was way over due because my husband had always changed the oil for me. This was a big change and I had drug my feet long enough. I knew I just had to get it done. The young man changing my oil called me out and he began to list all the things wrong. It was way low on oil, it had two lights out, it had very high mileage, etc, etc, etc. It seemed the list just went on and on. Then he asked me if I had a regular mechanic. “Yes” was out of my mouth before I thought about it. Then I said, “Uhmm no” and when he looked at me for additional clarification my eyes began filling with tears. He quickly went on trying to get through his list. He gave it a valiant effort as the tears rolled down my face. He finally stopped and said, “Are you crying? I don’t even make young children cry.”
I had no words to explain to him what had brought on the tears. As I have thought about it this afternoon it has been difficult for me to put my finger on exactly what the problem was. I think there were multiple issues. First of all, there was the fact that my “mechanic” was gone, gone, gone. The reality of that sometimes hits pretty hard. Secondly, it was being completely responsible for yet one more thing. Thirdly, I think I was overwhelmed with the multitude of problems.
As I take a look at all of those things separately they do not seem so bad. But at that moment in time, they brought a flood of tears. I want to do better than this. I am frustrated with where I am in this process. I do not like being like this.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I am trying to remind myself, that there is no timeline on healing. I think I need to just be where I am and rest in God’s presence. God loves me right here, right now. Now that is a moment, I need to remember forever.
Just Connie
I think I am going to remember today. I took my car in to have the oil changed. It was way over due because my husband had always changed the oil for me. This was a big change and I had drug my feet long enough. I knew I just had to get it done. The young man changing my oil called me out and he began to list all the things wrong. It was way low on oil, it had two lights out, it had very high mileage, etc, etc, etc. It seemed the list just went on and on. Then he asked me if I had a regular mechanic. “Yes” was out of my mouth before I thought about it. Then I said, “Uhmm no” and when he looked at me for additional clarification my eyes began filling with tears. He quickly went on trying to get through his list. He gave it a valiant effort as the tears rolled down my face. He finally stopped and said, “Are you crying? I don’t even make young children cry.”
I had no words to explain to him what had brought on the tears. As I have thought about it this afternoon it has been difficult for me to put my finger on exactly what the problem was. I think there were multiple issues. First of all, there was the fact that my “mechanic” was gone, gone, gone. The reality of that sometimes hits pretty hard. Secondly, it was being completely responsible for yet one more thing. Thirdly, I think I was overwhelmed with the multitude of problems.
As I take a look at all of those things separately they do not seem so bad. But at that moment in time, they brought a flood of tears. I want to do better than this. I am frustrated with where I am in this process. I do not like being like this.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I am trying to remind myself, that there is no timeline on healing. I think I need to just be where I am and rest in God’s presence. God loves me right here, right now. Now that is a moment, I need to remember forever.
Just Connie
Monday, April 13, 2009
The War
I have a war going on at my house. The lines have been drawn and there is no turning back. On one side we have Charlie, my 120 pound sheep dog. She is the most laid back dog you can imagine. She loves every animal she has ever met including my house bunny. She is so gentle that I could leave her with Grandma and not worry about her knocking into her or knocking her down. I think she has a secret dream of becoming a house dog and a couch potato. I discourage the couch part and she gets to spend the night in the house.
The opposing side of this war is the raccoons. Charlie seems to think that in a perfect world there would be no raccoons anywhere. I first got wind of this war about 2:00 one morning. All of a sudden I had a snarling mass of fangs and bristling hair in the middle of my bed, She was lunging at the window and sounded like she was going to rip something apart. All I could think of was, “if that is a burglar trying to get in, she is going to kill him.” I finally got the courage to get out of bed and turn on the outside light to discover … yep, a family of raccoons on the deck. I chased the raccoons off … well at least out of sight and Charlie laid there on the bed and growled for two hours. I was stunned. I had never even heard her growl before.
Since that first night, I have watched her tree the raccoons, lunge frantically at the door, and do everything in her power to remove this evil threat to her family. She is sure that raccoons are an evil menace and nothing I do is going to change her opinion. In her little doggy mind they are the ENEMY.
It got me thinking about the enemies in my life. I think there have been times when I have identified people as my enemy for as little reason as Charlie has with the raccoons. But the reality is that “I have seen the enemy and it is me.” I know that I have a tendency to be my own worst enemy. I have unrealistic expectations and demands for myself that I would never put on other people. I think I would like to end the war and learn to be a friend instead. I think it is time to stop blaming myself for the losses in my life. I think that there are wonderful things ahead. It is time for a cease fire.
“being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised” Romans 4:21
Just Connie
The opposing side of this war is the raccoons. Charlie seems to think that in a perfect world there would be no raccoons anywhere. I first got wind of this war about 2:00 one morning. All of a sudden I had a snarling mass of fangs and bristling hair in the middle of my bed, She was lunging at the window and sounded like she was going to rip something apart. All I could think of was, “if that is a burglar trying to get in, she is going to kill him.” I finally got the courage to get out of bed and turn on the outside light to discover … yep, a family of raccoons on the deck. I chased the raccoons off … well at least out of sight and Charlie laid there on the bed and growled for two hours. I was stunned. I had never even heard her growl before.
Since that first night, I have watched her tree the raccoons, lunge frantically at the door, and do everything in her power to remove this evil threat to her family. She is sure that raccoons are an evil menace and nothing I do is going to change her opinion. In her little doggy mind they are the ENEMY.
It got me thinking about the enemies in my life. I think there have been times when I have identified people as my enemy for as little reason as Charlie has with the raccoons. But the reality is that “I have seen the enemy and it is me.” I know that I have a tendency to be my own worst enemy. I have unrealistic expectations and demands for myself that I would never put on other people. I think I would like to end the war and learn to be a friend instead. I think it is time to stop blaming myself for the losses in my life. I think that there are wonderful things ahead. It is time for a cease fire.
“being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised” Romans 4:21
Just Connie
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter Musings
It has been a long but good day. I was up at 3:00 this morning to be dressed and packed for the day ahead. At 4:00 I headed to the Mission where we were getting ready to serve breakfast to 200 hungry men. We decorated and set all the tables, laid out the Easter candy and put a decorated Easter egg at every place setting. We also set our small place-cards that donors had signed and sent back in the mail. The rooms looked festive and great. This is always one of my favorite times of the year. It is a chance to help some hurting lives feel like someone cares. It is a great way to focus on the reality of the resurrection.
At 8:00 I was on my way to Gladstone for church. At 9:00 I met with the worship team to go over the morning music. At 9:30 was the all church breakfast. We had a full house and everyone seemed to be relaxed and happy. We had a great worship service at 11:00 and had 41 in attendance. That is more than we have had since I was assigned at Gladstone.
At 12:30 I was on my way to Burlington to be with my family and celebrate my brother in laws wedding. It was absolute chaos and was absolutely wonderful. I got to hold my 3 week old, 5 pound great niece. She is a absolutely perfect in every way. I was amazed at the rush of love that swept through me as I gazed at her miniature features and watched her tiny, tiny fingers curl around mine.
At 5:00 I was on my way home for the 2 hour trip to Willamina. Now it is 7:30 and I am reflecting on the day behind me. I was afraid of feeling very sad and lonely today, but the reality is that the day was busy and full of love. That was an unexpected but very welcome break from the emotions and hurt of the lat few days. It is a good reminder for me that it will not always be so hard. God has life and life more abundant and free for me …. I just need to take hold of it.
” …take hold of the life that is truly life.” 1 Timothy 6:19
I want to live the life that is truly life. Today is a good start … and tomorrow is waiting. It is time to live.
Just Connie
At 8:00 I was on my way to Gladstone for church. At 9:00 I met with the worship team to go over the morning music. At 9:30 was the all church breakfast. We had a full house and everyone seemed to be relaxed and happy. We had a great worship service at 11:00 and had 41 in attendance. That is more than we have had since I was assigned at Gladstone.
At 12:30 I was on my way to Burlington to be with my family and celebrate my brother in laws wedding. It was absolute chaos and was absolutely wonderful. I got to hold my 3 week old, 5 pound great niece. She is a absolutely perfect in every way. I was amazed at the rush of love that swept through me as I gazed at her miniature features and watched her tiny, tiny fingers curl around mine.
At 5:00 I was on my way home for the 2 hour trip to Willamina. Now it is 7:30 and I am reflecting on the day behind me. I was afraid of feeling very sad and lonely today, but the reality is that the day was busy and full of love. That was an unexpected but very welcome break from the emotions and hurt of the lat few days. It is a good reminder for me that it will not always be so hard. God has life and life more abundant and free for me …. I just need to take hold of it.
” …take hold of the life that is truly life.” 1 Timothy 6:19
I want to live the life that is truly life. Today is a good start … and tomorrow is waiting. It is time to live.
Just Connie
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Sunday's Coming
I have struggled the last few days with a deep sense of grief and sadness. The recent deaths of my Grandmother and two friends within 2 weeks of each other were heavy blows and there are times that the grief of those losses takes my breath away. The last few days I have not been able to escape the loneliness and grief over the loss of my husband.
I am struck by the senselessness of this loss. It is one thing to lose a spouse through death, but to lose someone to alcohol is absolutely incomprehensible to me. I do understand that it is not my choice to make, but I am still filled with a sense of failure. I tried so hard, I did everything I knew how to do …. and it still was not enough. Gone …. gone … gone. I am grieved, saddened and sometimes frightened by this new reality.
Tomorrow is Easter and I am reminded that the disciples were also grieved and frightened. On Saturday they stood in the shadow of the cross grieved and lost without knowing the glory of the resurrection that was coming. I think where I find myself, has a lot of similarities to what the disciples were experiencing. I stand in the shadow of my grief, not able to see or understand the glory of tomorrow. My head knows that God will not leave me here. Even now he is working on my behalf.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Sunday’s coming and He will roll the stone away for me.
Just Connie
I am struck by the senselessness of this loss. It is one thing to lose a spouse through death, but to lose someone to alcohol is absolutely incomprehensible to me. I do understand that it is not my choice to make, but I am still filled with a sense of failure. I tried so hard, I did everything I knew how to do …. and it still was not enough. Gone …. gone … gone. I am grieved, saddened and sometimes frightened by this new reality.
Tomorrow is Easter and I am reminded that the disciples were also grieved and frightened. On Saturday they stood in the shadow of the cross grieved and lost without knowing the glory of the resurrection that was coming. I think where I find myself, has a lot of similarities to what the disciples were experiencing. I stand in the shadow of my grief, not able to see or understand the glory of tomorrow. My head knows that God will not leave me here. Even now he is working on my behalf.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Sunday’s coming and He will roll the stone away for me.
Just Connie
Friday, April 10, 2009
The Ash Heap
I mailed the separation papers to my husband today. I sent it by registered mail so that it would count as “being served” without hiring a process server to go and give them to Gerrald. I have found this whole thing to be a rather overwhelming process. I am doing it myself and not using an attorney. The people at the court house have been very kind and keep explaining to me what the next step is I need to do. They even went over all my paperwork to make sure that it was filled out correctly. My goal each time is to get out of the courthouse without crying. So far I have not met that goal. But next month I will be back and I will try again.
It is an odd feeling to be summing up a relationship in such a businesslike and legal way. This process might legally separate us and our assets (what assets?) and bring me protection, but it does not separate me from my memories, from my hopes, my dreams or from the crushing feeling of loss.
I considered my marriage to be a miracle, a special gift from God. Here is that gift now … a heap of ashes on the floor.
Today, I am having trouble holding onto the knowledge that God does his best restoration work in the ash heap. I know it, but I do not feel it. I think I will give myself permission to let that be okay for now. I will keep acting in knowledge until my heart catches on.
“…the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:6
I need to remember that this is not the end. There is life ahead. That is the real gift that I am given. And that is something that no one can take from me.
Just Connie
It is an odd feeling to be summing up a relationship in such a businesslike and legal way. This process might legally separate us and our assets (what assets?) and bring me protection, but it does not separate me from my memories, from my hopes, my dreams or from the crushing feeling of loss.
I considered my marriage to be a miracle, a special gift from God. Here is that gift now … a heap of ashes on the floor.
Today, I am having trouble holding onto the knowledge that God does his best restoration work in the ash heap. I know it, but I do not feel it. I think I will give myself permission to let that be okay for now. I will keep acting in knowledge until my heart catches on.
“…the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:6
I need to remember that this is not the end. There is life ahead. That is the real gift that I am given. And that is something that no one can take from me.
Just Connie
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Octopus
Today has been difficult. On so many levels, it has just been a challenging day. I feel like I am wrestling with an octopus. I grab an arm of the monster and attempt to control it only to be attacked by a multitude of other arms. Much of the day I have felt like the octopus is winning.
I came to a decision about the name change. I am not going to change it at this time. It is just too overwhelming to me … too painful. Even though my husband asked it of me, I just cannot face it right now. I can change my name at any time I do not have to be pressured into a decision right now. It still takes my breath away to think about it. So for a while I am going to try to not think about it.
With that decision made I left the name change box on the forms blank and headed to the courthouse. I then paid my filing fees and handed the courthouse clerk all of the papers for the legal separation. Tomorrow I will send the papers on to be served to my husband in Colorado. In a little over 30 days everything should be final.
It is amazing how so many months of pain and agonizing decisions can be summed up in a few papers. It just does not express the hurt and the overwhelming feeling of failure that I am experiencing. The octopus raises up and wraps its arms around me, threatening to pull me down into the dark depths.
"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46
There is a streak of stubborness in me. I do not want to live in this darkness. I refuse to give in to the Octopus. I will not be defined and limited by this loss. I will find the strength and the will to go on. In fact, people eat Octopus don't they? Who wants some sushi?
I came to a decision about the name change. I am not going to change it at this time. It is just too overwhelming to me … too painful. Even though my husband asked it of me, I just cannot face it right now. I can change my name at any time I do not have to be pressured into a decision right now. It still takes my breath away to think about it. So for a while I am going to try to not think about it.
With that decision made I left the name change box on the forms blank and headed to the courthouse. I then paid my filing fees and handed the courthouse clerk all of the papers for the legal separation. Tomorrow I will send the papers on to be served to my husband in Colorado. In a little over 30 days everything should be final.
It is amazing how so many months of pain and agonizing decisions can be summed up in a few papers. It just does not express the hurt and the overwhelming feeling of failure that I am experiencing. The octopus raises up and wraps its arms around me, threatening to pull me down into the dark depths.
"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46
There is a streak of stubborness in me. I do not want to live in this darkness. I refuse to give in to the Octopus. I will not be defined and limited by this loss. I will find the strength and the will to go on. In fact, people eat Octopus don't they? Who wants some sushi?
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
What's in a Name
Today my husband called. What he said stunned me. He wants me to legally take my maiden name when the separation papers are filed tomorrow. I just sat there and sobbed. I could not even form the words for a reply. He finally said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” How could that not hurt me? It is the name he put as an umbrella of protection over me when we were married. But in reality I guess that umbrella was thrown away a long time ago.
The sheer logistics of going through a name change are mind boggling to me. Professionally everyone knows me as Connie Crawford Lain. Both in the Rescue Ministry and the other pastors in the Free Methodist Church know me by the same. The media all know me as Connie Crawford Lain as do my co-workers. Even in the small things such as my business cards and even the web site name for my blog. It is ConnieCrawfordLain.blogspot.com It is one more thing. My bank accounts … well it just goes on and on.
But more than anything this name change feels like a very public announcement of my failure. It screams to everyone I meet that my marriage failed. I have not even told my co-workers that I am separated. It is humiliating and with the name change it would never stop. Every time that I introduced myself, every time that I signed my name, it would be there for everyone to see. Failure, worthless, unlovable.
I am surprised at the depth of my emotion over this issue. The others I have talked to do not understand why this distresses me so deeply. Most of them say, “Good you don’t want his name anyway.” But I guess I do. In my mind I still see that handsome man waiting for his bride under the arbor on my wedding day.
Somehow I need to balance that memory with the memory of a raging drunk backing me in a corner or going to pick him up at the police station or waking up with a concussion after he had dropped me on my head or standing before the church and telling them he had left again. …. yet in spite of it all I still see the gentle handsome man who used to love me.
This grieves me and I have no answers. I do not know what to do. I am filled with a bleak hurt that is paralyzing.
My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Psalm 6:3-4
Just Connie
The sheer logistics of going through a name change are mind boggling to me. Professionally everyone knows me as Connie Crawford Lain. Both in the Rescue Ministry and the other pastors in the Free Methodist Church know me by the same. The media all know me as Connie Crawford Lain as do my co-workers. Even in the small things such as my business cards and even the web site name for my blog. It is ConnieCrawfordLain.blogspot.com It is one more thing. My bank accounts … well it just goes on and on.
But more than anything this name change feels like a very public announcement of my failure. It screams to everyone I meet that my marriage failed. I have not even told my co-workers that I am separated. It is humiliating and with the name change it would never stop. Every time that I introduced myself, every time that I signed my name, it would be there for everyone to see. Failure, worthless, unlovable.
I am surprised at the depth of my emotion over this issue. The others I have talked to do not understand why this distresses me so deeply. Most of them say, “Good you don’t want his name anyway.” But I guess I do. In my mind I still see that handsome man waiting for his bride under the arbor on my wedding day.
Somehow I need to balance that memory with the memory of a raging drunk backing me in a corner or going to pick him up at the police station or waking up with a concussion after he had dropped me on my head or standing before the church and telling them he had left again. …. yet in spite of it all I still see the gentle handsome man who used to love me.
This grieves me and I have no answers. I do not know what to do. I am filled with a bleak hurt that is paralyzing.
My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Psalm 6:3-4
Just Connie
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Living Life Large
Another gorgeous day, and to top it off tonight I have dance class with my daughter. I have so enjoyed the chance to spend time with her the last year or so. It was a deep and abiding grief to me when she moved out at 16 and over the intervening years I saw very little of her. It is still hard to express what that felt like. I missed being a part of her daily life. I feel like I missed out on so many things. And now as an adult she is so much fun to spend time with. I am so thankful for the opportunity to get to know her.
Last week’s dance class was pure entertainment. In the words of my daughter I felt like a great big dork. How can it be so complicated? It probably is not that complicated, my body just did not want to cooperate. It is just a matter of tapping your feet on the floor … how hard can that be? Yeah … that’s right really, really hard. I watched in amazement as the advanced group did complicated patterns and combinations. But regardless of my lack of coordination, I had a lot of fun. There was much laughter (not all of it at me) and a lot of hard work.
I think that this dance class is very healthy for me. It gets me moving, it gets me socializing and it forces me to focus beyond myself and it draws me closer to my daughter. It is probably one of the most important things I do during the week. I think perhaps that the most important moments in life are not often lived on the big screen in big and important ways, it is in the small everyday moments. That is living life large. Tonight I am living large in small ways. I can already feel my toes tapping.
"Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13
Just Connie
Last week’s dance class was pure entertainment. In the words of my daughter I felt like a great big dork. How can it be so complicated? It probably is not that complicated, my body just did not want to cooperate. It is just a matter of tapping your feet on the floor … how hard can that be? Yeah … that’s right really, really hard. I watched in amazement as the advanced group did complicated patterns and combinations. But regardless of my lack of coordination, I had a lot of fun. There was much laughter (not all of it at me) and a lot of hard work.
I think that this dance class is very healthy for me. It gets me moving, it gets me socializing and it forces me to focus beyond myself and it draws me closer to my daughter. It is probably one of the most important things I do during the week. I think perhaps that the most important moments in life are not often lived on the big screen in big and important ways, it is in the small everyday moments. That is living life large. Tonight I am living large in small ways. I can already feel my toes tapping.
"Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13
Just Connie
Monday, April 6, 2009
This New Life
What a beautiful day it was today. The sun shone bright after weeks of rain and ice. It was warm and the trees are in blossom. I sat outside for a little bit today and reveled in the warm breeze that blew flower petals gently past my face. I felt the need to stretch my arms out to the heavens and let Spring wrap itself around me.
I think I need to spend more moments like that because too often I am confronted with the reality of my vastly changed life. My lawn is beginning to look like you could go on safari and hunt for lions in it. In other words, it is beginning to resemble African savannah. The thought of dragging the lawn mower out and trying to start it for the first time this season is … well depressing and overwhelming. I know that I will have to face this; it is part of this new life. But I so don’t want to do it.
I did not want this new life, but it is here regardless. With the ups and downs, with the loneliness, with the breath-taking hurt it is what it is. I am trying to find victory. I am confident that God will continue to bring me through. I just have to be faithful to take the next step. You know I have this suspicion that the next step might involve the lawn mower and knee high grass.
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" 1 Corinthians 15:57 NIV
Just Connie
I think I need to spend more moments like that because too often I am confronted with the reality of my vastly changed life. My lawn is beginning to look like you could go on safari and hunt for lions in it. In other words, it is beginning to resemble African savannah. The thought of dragging the lawn mower out and trying to start it for the first time this season is … well depressing and overwhelming. I know that I will have to face this; it is part of this new life. But I so don’t want to do it.
I did not want this new life, but it is here regardless. With the ups and downs, with the loneliness, with the breath-taking hurt it is what it is. I am trying to find victory. I am confident that God will continue to bring me through. I just have to be faithful to take the next step. You know I have this suspicion that the next step might involve the lawn mower and knee high grass.
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" 1 Corinthians 15:57 NIV
Just Connie
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Lessons From Stephen
Today’s sermon is found in Acts 7:54-60. Last week we looked at Stephen’s impassioned sermon and his scathing challenge to the Sanhedrin. This week we see the results.
54When they heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56"Look," he said, "I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God."
57At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.
59While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." 60Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.
Stephen was an amazing man. We do not know that much about him and we only see him in Acts. But in today’s passage we can see his actions and reactions when everything was heating up and seeming to go very wrong. Let’s take a look at what we see in Stephen.
1. He stayed calm.
2. He didn’t let other people’s anger distract him.
3. He stayed focused on Christ.
4. He was “full of the Holy Spirit”.
5. he did not feel hate towards those who hurt him.
6. He was confident that god was with him.
7. He prayed.
8. He prayed specifically for those who hurt him.
9. He gave clear testimony of God’s glory.
We cannot choose our emotions, but we can choose our reactions. We have control over our behavior. It is time for Christians to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. It is time to become the men and women that God created us to be. When we do we will stand in the face of opposition. When we do we will draw others to Christ.
Thought for Today
Standing up sometimes requires laying it down.
54When they heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56"Look," he said, "I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God."
57At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.
59While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." 60Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.
Stephen was an amazing man. We do not know that much about him and we only see him in Acts. But in today’s passage we can see his actions and reactions when everything was heating up and seeming to go very wrong. Let’s take a look at what we see in Stephen.
1. He stayed calm.
2. He didn’t let other people’s anger distract him.
3. He stayed focused on Christ.
4. He was “full of the Holy Spirit”.
5. he did not feel hate towards those who hurt him.
6. He was confident that god was with him.
7. He prayed.
8. He prayed specifically for those who hurt him.
9. He gave clear testimony of God’s glory.
We cannot choose our emotions, but we can choose our reactions. We have control over our behavior. It is time for Christians to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. It is time to become the men and women that God created us to be. When we do we will stand in the face of opposition. When we do we will draw others to Christ.
Thought for Today
Standing up sometimes requires laying it down.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Making a Difference
What a day it has been. Dad and I spent time working on the pellet stove. I would like to announce that we really made a difference …. now the stove is not working at all! Sigh … it seems that we fixed the problem of not enough oxygen getting to the fire, but in the process dislodged something and plugged up the auger. You know I have always wanted to live a life that made a difference, but this isn’t quite what I had in mind.
Working at the Mission gives me opportunity to interact with hurting and needy men and women every day. It gives me the chance to watch them over the months and see first hand the miracle of transformation in Christ. Lives that were struggling with life controlling behaviors are freed to new life. I have always felt that it was a privilege to be a part of ministry on the front lines. I really do feel that I what I do is making a difference.
Tomorrow morning I will have a chance to make a difference again. I look forward to Sundays, they are a precious privilege. To be a pastor is the worst of jobs and the best of jobs. There is nothing else that I would rather do. There will be people tomorrow that need comfort, some that need to be challenged, some that need to be healed and all of them that need to be loved.
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth" 2 Timothy 2:15
I guess to make a difference I need to start with me. And unlike the stove, I think this is something I can do.
Just Connie
Working at the Mission gives me opportunity to interact with hurting and needy men and women every day. It gives me the chance to watch them over the months and see first hand the miracle of transformation in Christ. Lives that were struggling with life controlling behaviors are freed to new life. I have always felt that it was a privilege to be a part of ministry on the front lines. I really do feel that I what I do is making a difference.
Tomorrow morning I will have a chance to make a difference again. I look forward to Sundays, they are a precious privilege. To be a pastor is the worst of jobs and the best of jobs. There is nothing else that I would rather do. There will be people tomorrow that need comfort, some that need to be challenged, some that need to be healed and all of them that need to be loved.
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth" 2 Timothy 2:15
I guess to make a difference I need to start with me. And unlike the stove, I think this is something I can do.
Just Connie
Friday, April 3, 2009
Family Love
Tomorrow Mom and Dad are coming. We are going to take another pass at trying to fix the pellet stove. I might have heat in less than 24 hours. Well perhaps … at least I hope so, I am thinking positive.
Family is a wonderful thing to have. I don’t know that I have always appreciated mine, but I am so very grateful for them. I have had reason the last three months to be thankful for their love, their kindness and their unwavering support. I do not see how I could have survived through this time of heart break and loss without them.
I am finding that the older I get the more important my family is to me. In those last hours as my grandmother lay dying, with all of the family gathered around her are forever etched into my memory. There was no bickering, there were no disagreements, no tenseness, there was only love and support. Grandma stepped into glory surrounded by her pastor, her friends and the family that loved her. What could have been a horrifying time was instead blessed and even sacred. It was family loving each other, supporting each other. It is what family is supposed to be all about.
"O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me."
Psalm 40:11
Tonight I am reminded that I am a rich woman. I have Christ, I have ministry and I have family that love me. I am going to wrap myself in that love … I think that is love enough for even me.
Just Connie
Family is a wonderful thing to have. I don’t know that I have always appreciated mine, but I am so very grateful for them. I have had reason the last three months to be thankful for their love, their kindness and their unwavering support. I do not see how I could have survived through this time of heart break and loss without them.
I am finding that the older I get the more important my family is to me. In those last hours as my grandmother lay dying, with all of the family gathered around her are forever etched into my memory. There was no bickering, there were no disagreements, no tenseness, there was only love and support. Grandma stepped into glory surrounded by her pastor, her friends and the family that loved her. What could have been a horrifying time was instead blessed and even sacred. It was family loving each other, supporting each other. It is what family is supposed to be all about.
"O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me."
Psalm 40:11
Tonight I am reminded that I am a rich woman. I have Christ, I have ministry and I have family that love me. I am going to wrap myself in that love … I think that is love enough for even me.
Just Connie
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Call
Since the time I was in college all I have wanted to do is to be in ministry. When it seemed that door had closed forever … well let’s just say that it hurt deeply. I have deeply enjoyed my work with the Mission over the past 10 years, but there has been a calling deep within me for pastoral ministry. It has brought me great joy to be back in the pulpit the last 8 months. I am very grateful for the opportunity to minister.
Tuesday was my interview with the board that oversees ministerial credentials. I thought the interview went fairly well. The members were kind and thorough. As I expected, they did question me about my separation. I was honest and tried to be transparent and did not cry too badly. They even prayed for Gerrald and I. It touched me deeply that they would take the time to do so.
I have been praying peace in the days since. It is in God’s hands …. it is in God’s hands ……. it is in God’s hands. If God wants me in ministry than He will open the way for that to happen. It is in God’s hands.
Well, my Conference Superintendent called today. He wanted to let me know the decision of the credentials committee. My heart pounded, I tried to focus on what he was saying. Would I be ordained this year? Would they ask me to wait? Would they say “thanks but no thanks?”
What he did say is still ringing in my ears. He told me yes, I would be ordained this year. He told me that I passed with flying colors. I cried for 2 hours. I am elated, awed and humbled. Elated to be fulfilling a dream and a calling. Awed by how God brought everything together to bring this to fruition. I am humbled by the faith being placed in me.
"I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Ephesians 4:1
I want to live worthy of the calling ... every day, every moment for Christ.
Just Connie
Tuesday was my interview with the board that oversees ministerial credentials. I thought the interview went fairly well. The members were kind and thorough. As I expected, they did question me about my separation. I was honest and tried to be transparent and did not cry too badly. They even prayed for Gerrald and I. It touched me deeply that they would take the time to do so.
I have been praying peace in the days since. It is in God’s hands …. it is in God’s hands ……. it is in God’s hands. If God wants me in ministry than He will open the way for that to happen. It is in God’s hands.
Well, my Conference Superintendent called today. He wanted to let me know the decision of the credentials committee. My heart pounded, I tried to focus on what he was saying. Would I be ordained this year? Would they ask me to wait? Would they say “thanks but no thanks?”
What he did say is still ringing in my ears. He told me yes, I would be ordained this year. He told me that I passed with flying colors. I cried for 2 hours. I am elated, awed and humbled. Elated to be fulfilling a dream and a calling. Awed by how God brought everything together to bring this to fruition. I am humbled by the faith being placed in me.
"I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Ephesians 4:1
I want to live worthy of the calling ... every day, every moment for Christ.
Just Connie
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tired
I am tired tonight. You know that kind of deep bone weariness that makes you sigh and makes everything seem like an awful lot of work. It is the kind of tired that comes from too much being taken out and not enough being put in. Not enough rest, not enough recreation just not enough and I’m just tired.
There have been so many crisis’ and problems in the past months that it seems like I pump myself up to find a way to get through one and another is already rushing at me. I find that I am weary through and through.
Around the edge of this deep weariness is a feeling of sadness. I think that I am still coming to grips with the many changes in my life. I do not necessarily feel that this is a failure on my part, I think it is just part of the healing process. Not particularly pleasant or welcome but probably to be expected at this point.
I also have not been hiking in months. Not since my friend and hiking partner Debbie began to fail so quickly. I think it is time to let the wind blow the cobwebs out. It is time to stand on the mountaintop and let God speak to me through the beauty of his creation. It is time to regroup, refresh and re-create.
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
For tonight I will be still, it is time to rest. For tonight I confess that I do not feel strong. And that is okay.
There have been so many crisis’ and problems in the past months that it seems like I pump myself up to find a way to get through one and another is already rushing at me. I find that I am weary through and through.
Around the edge of this deep weariness is a feeling of sadness. I think that I am still coming to grips with the many changes in my life. I do not necessarily feel that this is a failure on my part, I think it is just part of the healing process. Not particularly pleasant or welcome but probably to be expected at this point.
I also have not been hiking in months. Not since my friend and hiking partner Debbie began to fail so quickly. I think it is time to let the wind blow the cobwebs out. It is time to stand on the mountaintop and let God speak to me through the beauty of his creation. It is time to regroup, refresh and re-create.
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
For tonight I will be still, it is time to rest. For tonight I confess that I do not feel strong. And that is okay.
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