Ministry Day

I spent the morning at the hospital with parishioners that are very dear to me. When there is a crisis within a family unit you find out very quickly what kind of relationships are there within the family. This family is a joy to be with. In crisis they gathered around each other offering love and support. It has been a privilege to get to know the extended family.

When I got home a neighbor called in deep distress, so I spent several hours with them. They are also dear people who have been a continual blessing to me. They have especially looked out for me since Gerrald has left. I am so glad for the chance to give back to them in a small way.

Then I spent a little time at the church doing some paperwork and going through the mail and just puttering around tying up some loose ends.

Nothing I did today was earth shattering or difficult, but yet it filled me with a sense of satisfaction. Ministry is such a privilege. To be able to serve people, encourage them and to just share the love of Christ fills me with a sense of rightness.

I am thankful for the opportunity I have been given and I am looking forward to discovering what God has for me in the weeks ahead.

“Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.” 2 Corinthians 4:1

Just Connie

A Good Day

What a good day. We had a great Sunday School class this morning. There was lots of good discussion and we maneuvered through some very difficult topics. Worship was inspiring and the prayer time was uplifting. I love Sundays and it is wonderful to be called to this group of people at this time. I am grateful for the time I am given with them.

This afternoon was the annual church picnic. What fun! Lots of food and lots of good fellowship. We also had a baptism service which I helped with. I was my normal graceful self and ended up falling in the creek. Everyone laughed including me as I sat in the middle of the ice cold creek. I guess I am glad I could offer some entertainment value to everyone.

People lingered and sat and talked and talked. It was wonderful. I roamed from group to group and just enjoyed visiting with everyone. I helped clean up and then packed up and headed home.

So here I sit in the family room. My picnic dishes are running in the dishwasher, my very wet clothes are in the laundry and I am relaxing with the dogs. I am filled with a sense of comfortableness tonight. I am very glad for this peaceful oasis. I would not mind it if lasted for a few days.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort” 2 Corinthians 1:3

Just Connie

Rest Day

This has been a rest day for me. I have slept and slept and slept some more. Tomorrow will be a full day so I am gad for the chance to get caught up a bit. I have been flying all week until the stomach bug yesterday brought me to a screeching halt.

I am still a little headachy but my stomach has calmed down. I am very thankful for it. I have heard from a couple of my neighbors who were checking on me because they had not seen me in a while. it is really nice to have people that care enough to check up on me. It is a very good feeling. I love Willamina.

On the flip side I got a phone call last night about 11:00pm. I was sleeping so I just rolled over and answered it instead of checking my caller ID. Boy was I sorry. It was my husband and he was very drunk. And he was missing me. So he was crying and telling me what a good woman I am and that he never meant to hurt me. As if I was not sick enough at that point, it just made me sicker It is very hard to find soft words that do not say very much. I do not want to throw fuel on the fire and I do not want to say something he might misinterpret. At one point last night I finally said to him, “I do not want to go there with you tonight.” I tried to bring a graceful end to the conversation but he did not want to let go. I finally told him I was tired and needed to say goodbye and was able to end the conversation. But I laid there for a long time, and ran the conversation over and over in my mind.

I find it so distressing to be confronted with the reality of his drinking day after day. My heart hurts for the pain he is experiencing. Yet I realize that I cannot fix this for him. The hurt eats away at me. I have got to find a better way to draw firmer boundaries with him. I wrote the letter earlier in the week asking him to not call if he has been drinking. (I do not think he has read yet) I try to screen my calls but it does not work every time like last night and I still have to work with the drunken messages he leaves. I do not know what else to do. I feel like I am being crushed under the constant barrage.

I think I might need to seek out some counsel and see if they can help me navigate through this quagmire. There must be a better way to handle this than I have found. I will search for some wisdom. I think I cannot do this alone.

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” Proverbs 15:22

Just Connie

Flu Bug

I have spent a quiet day at home fighting some kind of stomach bug. It has been quite a while since I have been sick …. I could have gone quite a while longer. Ick! Ick! and more Ick!

But it has given me a chance to spend time on line working on my Facebook farms which is always fun to me. (notice that farms is plural, I have 3) I could probably spend the whole day puttering around on my farms and never get any real work done.

I dozed for a while and curled up with the dogs who are very happy about my flu bug the rest of the time. I have watched TV, couldn’t concentrate to read and kind of feel like I am trying to think through pudding.

Days like this can be frustrating because they keep me from accomplishing all of the things I have planned on for the day. But the reality is that these days will come and I need to just go with the flow. It is time to hunker down, drink lots of fluids and rest till I cannot rest any more.

“Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure” Psalm 16:9

There will be time tomorrow and in the days that follow to do today’s unfinished tasks.

Just Connie

A Nice Reminder

I did something nice for myself today. In between a trip to the hospital to be with a critically ill parishioner and a staff meeting, I went on a short hike. I was only gone a little over an hour. That one hour made an incredible difference.

I hiked a logging road that I had never been on before. To be honest, I was tired, it was hot and I really wanted to find a shady spot to take a nap. But I trudged up the hill, reached the summit and turned around to look behind me. The valley spread out before me, the birds were singing and I could hear the babbling of the brook. I took a deep breath and began to feel weeks of stress begin to flow out of me. I stood there breathing out ….. breathing in…. just taking it all in.

After a while I wandered down the hill and sat on the edge of the bridge, swung my feet in the air and tossed pebbles in the creek. Before long I found myself humming while I kept beat with the stick I had picked up. A little farther down the road I laid in the meadow and watched the trees dancing in the breeze.

That hour totally refreshed me. It was probably one of the most important things I have done for myself in weeks. It is a reminder that in the midst of all the stuff I have to do, there are the things I need to do.

“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.” Isaiah 40:26

It is good to feel relaxed and to be filled with a renewed sense of the beauty of creation. I need to do something nice for myself more often.


Just Connie

Joyful Evening

I had dinner with my daughter Joy and her boyfriend Jarrod tonight. It was sooo much fun. I enjoy the both of them so much. I am always amazed when they carve out time to spend with me. This was the first time that they have been to the house and I loved having them here. We ate and played games and just enjoyed each other.

I am enjoying getting to know the woman that my daughter is growing into. And I like what I see. I pray that day by day she will grow into the woman God created her to be. But I have to admit that it is kind of odd to see her grown up. When I look at her I still see the tiny tiny baby they put into my arms at the adoption agency, I still see the white haired curly headed toddler that had the world wrapped around her finger. It is sometimes hard to allow her to be the grown up that she is.

I am proud of her. I am proud of the choices she has made. I am proud of her fierce independence (well most of the time) I have also been very proud of her drive to get an education. I so want her to be able to have a career and not just a job. I believe that she will be able to do anything she puts her mind to.

I think she is a wonderful daughter and I am very thankful for her. She will leave for college in just a few short weeks. It will be a new chapter in her life and I will miss her. I just pray for wisdom and grace for her. That she will draw close to God and find all the wonderful that He has in store for her.

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.” Psalm 111:10

Just Connie

Foraging For Hope

I am sitting in the family room watching the deer feed in the back yard. My sheepdog does not really approve of their visits. But they love the fallen fruit from the neighbors’ trees and even Charlie’s presence does not seem to deter them.

I love living in Willamina. It is peaceful and quiet. Neighbors stop to say hello and there are people in the neighborhood I can call on if I need help. Though to be honest I have a terrible time admitting to anyone that I need help. But they are there if I ask and that is a wonderful thing.

As I watch the deer forage I am reminded that God is providing for them. In a changing landscape of houses, trees and fields the deer are still provided for. There is fruit, grasses, streams and abundance for them. In the same way God will continue to provide for me in the changing landscape of my life. He can meet the needs of my loneliness, of my sadness and hurt.

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27

Healing is a process and God will take me through. There will be ups and downs and setbacks along the way. But like the deer I need to keep foraging. I need to look ahead with hope and an expectant heart. I choose to believe in the tomorrow that God has for me.

Just Connie

Bleeding

My head hurts. My eyes are swollen. I am exhausted. I guess that is what happens when you spend the day crying. You know I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Gerrald has been gone for 8 months. I should have a better handle on the whole thing.

It started last night when Gerrald called. He was very … uhmm … “not sober”. That in itself is always distressing to me. But he was also very maudlin. He wanted to talk about us. Not that he was really able to talk about us in a useful way, but he was sad and wanted me to share in that. He kept telling me he missed me. The only time I hear that from him is when he is drinking. He also wanted me to know that I was a “good woman” and his leaving was not my fault. There really was nothing I could say. It does no good to confront him when he is drunk and I certainly did not want to join in. So I finally just said thank you. He talked and talked and talked and the more he talked, the more I cried.

Then today I get another bill from him “charging” on my accounts. A card that I had canceled but it seems that there was some late billing that had not come through before the card was cancelled. So there is yet more of his debt to pay. And that makes me so angry. Angry at Gerrald and angry at myself. And that just makes me cry harder. The anger never lasts long … it is just overwhelmed with sorrow.

It is so sad. I hate to see what he is doing to himself. His choices are so destructive. It dawned on me today that he is killing the man I married, the man I fell in love with. Physically, mentally and spiritually …. the man I married is dying. And there is nothing I can do about it.

I can feel myself bleeding to death, the constant daily phone calls, the drunkenness and his overall behavior are a wound to my heart that is kept fresh. I cannot keep on doing what I have been. I have got to find some ways to put some healthy boundaries.

So tonight I am not answering his phone calls. I do not have to subject myself to that night after night. I am not sure what else I can do, but I will look for ways to emotionally protect myself and distance myself from his behavior. It is past time to stop the bleeding. It is time to heal.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” Psalm 147:3

Just Connie

Moments

There are moments when the certainty of my call to ministry rings clear and strong. Today was one of those times.

I was called to the hospital to be with a family who was losing a loved one. It is a heartbreaking time and emotions run high, but it is such a wonderful opportunity to share God’s love in a very real way. Times of crisis really clarify and reflect how family members feel about each other. This family loved each other and the room was filled with their love as they said goodbye.

It is a privilege to stand and be with someone as they step into glory. It is really a sacred time. It is the best and worst of what a pastor does. It is the best because it is a privilege to be part of such an intimate and life changing moment. It is the worst because it hurts my heart to see the pain and heartbreak.

Through it all, I had a sense of being exactly where God wanted me and doing exactly what he had called me to do. There is no other place in the world I would rather be.

Just Connie

“Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints” Psalm 116:15

Bear Dog

I went to camp meeting last night. It was an inspiring evening of worship. I saw friends and had great fellowship. I am very glad that I made the effort to go. It was about 11:00 at night when I got home. I opened the patio door and called for the dogs. My large sheepdog came bounding into the house. But my 15 year old terrier “Bear” did not. He is somewhat deaf and mostly blind so I left the door open for him and went and puttered around for a while.

It finally dawned on me that he had not come in about 15 minutes later. Dread swept over me like a cold clammy swirling fog. He has been slowly failing over the past 6 months. In the past month he has been losing weight and has begun not moving well. I knew he was dying and his body was shutting down. I stood there and gazed out into the yard knowing that he had died somewhere out in the dark. I dug out the lantern and began searching through the yard. I checked under every bush and checked and rechecked every path, I called and called hoping that he was just sleeping somewhere. I searched for an hour and could not find him. I stood there crying and finally realized that I would have to wait until morning to find him.

I leaned my head against the patio door and wept. “No more loss … please Lord no more loss.” I went into the house and put the lantern away and slowly began getting ready for bed. As I was closing the house up for the night, I heard a familiar noise at the patio door. With a sob I threw the door open and there stood Bear. He came happily in and rubbed himself against my ankles as if he was saying, “Where have you been?” I dropped down to my knees and pulled him onto my lap in stunned disbelief. All I could say is “Thank you Lord … thank you, thank you.”

I have no idea what quiet spot my little guy had been curled up in. I am so glad that this was not his time. I realize that even in my thankfulness is the awareness that his time with me is short. But there is joy to be found in the time I have with him.

”There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1

I refuse to waste my time grieving for what lays ahead. Instead I choose to celebrate the time I have with him.

Just Connie

Enriching Loneliness

There are times that I miss my husband with breath taking intensity. There have been times over this past month that I have missed his companionship and his humor. I have missed having someone standing at my back supporting me in endeavors and happenings. I often found myself missing him as I have walked through these past weeks with my parents.

I remember how wonderful he was when my sister Delinda died. He was a loving and strong support through the memorial preparations and funeral. Of course it was just 3 weeks after that, that he drove off in a drunken rage after depositing me on the doorstep. He was gone for 8 months that time.

But in spite of all that history I still find myself missing him. When I got home today there were 21 phone messages waiting for me, 16 of them were from my husband. About 1/3 of those calls were made when he was sober, the rest were ….. well not sober.

I found myself gripped with grief tonight. Grief that his choices are so damaging, grief over my loneliness and the loneliness I am sure that he is also experiencing. Grief over everything his choices bring us.

I think that though I do not like it, this grief is a natural part of the healing process. I should grieve over this loss. I should grieve over his choices. However, I cannot allow that grief to incapacitate or embitter me. This is a time that can teach me and enrich me if I will let it.

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD” Psalm 31:24

I choose to live in hope.

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery - Day 10

It has been good to be with Mom and Dad over these past three weeks. I am thankful for the opportunity to help. I do not get the chance to help them very often. Dad is doing better day by day. I think he and Mom will be able to do what needs to be done now. I just watched mom help Dad into bed and it all went very well.

Tomorrow I will pack up all my clothes, the dogs and the bunny and head home. As much as I have enjoyed being with Mom and Dad, it will be wonderful to be home and sleep in my own bed. Of course it also means I have piles and piles of mail and e-mail to sort through. But I think I can pay that price. It also means that I will have a very long lawn to mow and some catch up to do around the place. Sigh ….

It is also time to really get serious about my job search. It will start to get critical before very long. I will have to find a way to flesh out my salary from the church. I have not had any good leads yet, but I am still confident that God has a plan. And I am really ready to find out what that is. But I refuse to worry about it.

So tomorrow opens yet another chapter in the ongoing saga as I swing back into “normal life” mode. It will be interesting to see what is written on the pages by the end of the day.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

One thing I am finding … tomorrow is never dull.

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery - Day 9

It was a hot, hot, hot day. Mom and dad’s old tudor farmhouse does not have air conditioning. That means it is really hot. I have been worried about how Dad will do in the heat but he is doing very well. Me on the other hand well … “I’m melting ….” rather like the witch from the Wizard of Oz.

I just put Dad to bed and I am hoping he will sleep better than he did last night. I am still having to lift him in and out of bed. He cannot put any weight on his arms or chest so getting up and down from a laying position is challenging. He is very tired tonight, so I am hopeful that he will have a better time of it tonight. I am bunking down on the floor of the basement. It is marginally cooler and I will still be able to hear mom and dad if they need me during the night.

It has been a long day and we have had a houseful of visitors throughout the day. While Dad was in the hospital the grandson’s all got together and built him a woodshed. They walked Dad out and showed it to him today. Dad cried, I cried it was a wonderful loving, generous thing to do. I am so proud of them for thinking of it. I think it conveyed to Dad how much they love and appreciate him.

I am thankful for the opportunity to give back a little to my parents. They have given me so much. They have always been there when I needed it. They have encouraged me, chided me and always helped me be better and stronger. This has been a chance to show them love and support in a very realistic tangible way.

“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service.” 1 Timothy 1:12

It is good to give.

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery - Day 8

Dad is home. I am so relieved to have him recovering and doing well. We were able to bring him home this afternoon. It was chaos at the house as everyone wanted to be there when he got home. He stayed up much longer than I thought he would. I just now put him to bed and it is 10:30 at night.

We ended up having a big dinner and Dad ate better than he has eaten since surgery. I do not think he really appreciated the finer points of hospital cuisine. I know that I will not miss my meals at the hospital cafeteria. But now I have washed the last dish, put away the immense quantity of food, laid my sleeping bag out and I am so ready to go to bed tonight.

I have much to be thankful for tonight. Dad’s recovery and homecoming, family that wants to be together and abundant love that binds it all together. So I am going to bed tonight tired, but thankful. I think that is a very good way to end the day.

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. ” Romans 12:10

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery - Day 7

Well, Dad did not get to come home today. His heart went into atrial fibulation last night and his heart rate went up. His blood sugar also went up as well. They have put him on an IV drip to bring his heart rate down and even out the beats. He was doing better this evening and they took him off the IV and put him on an oral medication. So how he does tonight will probably determine whether he gets to come home tomorrow. He really wants to come home. He was more than ready yesterday. He was pretty disappointed today but took it all in typical “Dad” stride.

When I got home tonight there was another message from my husband asking me to call him. So I called him (I must be a glutton for punishment) He wanted to know if Dad had come home from the hospital so I told him the latest news. I was doing a fairly good job of being impersonal and upbeat. Right up until the time he said, “ I am sorry that everything has been so hard for you.” I assured him that I was fine and said good-bye. But inside I was shrieking. “I am not fine! If you cared, you would not have left.... again! If you cared anything about me you would not keep choosing alcohol over our marriage.” I wanted to scream at him, “I should not be alone!” The hurt was all together too familiar to me as were the tears that came with it.

I am so tired of crying over my husband. I am tired of the constant grief that is always just under the surface. But yet, how can I not grieve? How can I not cry? What kind of person would I be if I stopped caring about what happened to him? What kind of person would I be if I was able to just shrug it off? I do not think I want to be that person either. But I have to wonder if there isn’t something between these two extremes. Something that would allow me to not bleed to death in my grief, but yet never forget the wonderful man I married?

I am not sure how to find that middle spot. Too often I feel like a blind woman flailing around in the dark, just desperately trying to find the path.

“Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths” Psalm 25:4

I have faith that God will bring me through this. I think it will take less of me … more of Him. I will not find the path if all I can see is me. So for me ... “less is more”.

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery - Day 6

Dad is coming home tomorrow! That is very good news. Mom and I went grocery shopping tonight and are doing the last minute cleaning to make sure everything is ready for Dad’s arrival. Our biggest concern is getting him up the stairs to the main floor. But I honestly think he will navigate the stairs better than we expect. We also always have the option to put a bed downstairs and have him stay there instead. We will play it by ear and see how it goes.

When we got home tonight there was a message from my husband saying he had been trying to get a hold of me and he wanted to know how Dad was doing. So I called him back. He was pretty intoxicated. I am not sure why that bothers me so much. The whole reason behind our separation is his drinking. So why does it hurt when I realize that he is still drinking?

The reality is that I care about what happens to him. I care about his well being and it does hurt to see him continue to damage himself with his drinking. I so want him to find freedom from the bondage of alcohol. I tell myself that no one can make that happen but him …. But it still hurts.

So tonight I give thanks for answered prayer and for Dad’s homecoming tomorrow. I also offer my husband up once again. I cannot “fix” him, I cannot change him … but I can pray. That is probably the most important thing I can do for him

“Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise” Proverbs 20:1

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery Day 5

Dad continues to recover and is doing very well. His blood sugar levels are going down and he is breathing better. He has not needed oxygen all day. That is all good progress. He is a little tired today so Mom and I left the hospital early and headed home so he could sleep uninterrupted.

When we got to the house my nephews were just finishing up a welcome home present for my Dad. They built a woodshed that also has room for the lawn mower tractor. It is beautiful and Dad will be so surprised and pleased. It will be fun to show it to him after he gets home.

I love the fact that they came up with this idea and carried it all out. It is fun to watch the next generation growing up and taking responsibility. I love my nephews and I have often wished they were children of my body. They are definitely the children of my heart. I wish I could adequately convey to them how much I love them.

Loving and being loved is very important to me. I want to never be stingy in loving other people. I want my family to never doubt that I love them and would do everything I can for them. I realize that when we love, we will also hurt. But I am thinking that is not a bad thing …. just an uncomfortable painful thing at times.

Dad’s surgery has been a good time to strengthen the bonds that ties my family together. Though it sometimes doesn’t happen just the way I would like it to … it is till there and tonight I am very thankful for it.

Love …. It is what our family is all about.


“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15:12

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery Day 4

It was another 12 hour day at the hospital. Dad is doing much better today. Some of the major concerns of yesterday have resolved themselves and he is making some huge strides which is good.

One of the areas of current concern is his blood sugar level. He has been on insulin since the surgery. That is not unusual after open heart surgery. But it has not evened out yet. So we are praying that will soon resolve itself as well. Until then, he is getting insulin shots to help his body recover.

The other concern is his continued lung health. He still has some of the lower areas of his lungs which are not fully expanding. (again very common after open heart surgery) He is working hard at his breathing exercises and I expect that each day will see major improvements in that area.

The doctor indicated today that he might get to come home on Monday. That would be wonderful! So mom and I are taking a look around the house and trying to get everything set up for him when he comes home. I think unless the weather gets real hot, we are pretty much ready.

The Willamina Church is covering my class and responsibilities on Sunday so I do not have to go back for that. It will allow me to be with mom and take care of any last minute loose ends before dad comes home. What a gift to allow me to be with my family where I need to be right now. I am very glad.

I am very blessed by the loving supportive response of my neighbors and church family. I have people praying for me, my neighbors are picking my mail up for me and everyone is doing what they can to lighten the load. What an incredible unexpected blessing it is.

It frees me up to be here with my parents and help in any way that I can. So the dogs and the bunny and I are staying put for the next week to see if I can lighten my mom’s load in any way.

“Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

You know it is interesting, I expect to try to lighten other people’s burdens but I am always stunned when they do it for me. It is very good to be stunned once in a while.

Just Connie

Dad's Surgery Day 3

Dad is slowly improving. He was moved out of intensive care today, which was very good. He actually walked a few steps and is finally getting some real rest. I have every hope that he will continue to improve and get better. When I left him tonight he was sleeping soundly.

As I walked down to dad’s new room today, I was a little sobered to realize that it was in the same hall that grandma was in just a few short months ago when she passed away. But as I soon came to realize it was not only in the same hall, it was the exact same room.

Suddenly I was flooded with images of that last day with Grammies. Images of the family gathering around her, loving her and wanting to spend the last moment with her. I can see so clearly the people gathered around her bed and spilling out into the hall. There was love and laughter and the support of family. We sang, we cried and we just loved each other.

I was surprised at how clearly the memory was etched in my mind. But as I thought about it, I thought “This is not a bad thing. This is a good thing.” This was the place where my family really proved what family was all about. Even though we did not want to say good-bye, we were there for each other and most importantly for Grandma. It was a sacred blessed time. It is the way I would love to step into eternity.

So, I am choosing to see dad’s hospital room as a reminder of a strong loving family pulling together during a very difficult time. God has been so very good to us. We have something that is rare and precious. I give thanks for the reminder today of this gift.

Jesus said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." Mark 5:19

I want to share with my family the love, grace and goodness of God. I think it will take the rest of my life.

Just Connie

Hospital Day 2

When I got to the intensive care unit at the hospital this morning I was overjoyed to see that my father was off the ventilator, talking and coherent. I was dismayed when I saw that one side of his face pulled down. As I watched him I realized that he was having trouble with the left side of his body. It was apparent that he had a small stroke or some kind of neurologic event during the surgery yesterday.

I wanted to lay my head down and cry, but I didn’t. I chatted, watched and waited. Over the next hours I was able to see visible improvement in Dad’s face. It was encouraging to see. But he has a long road to recovery stretching before him. Some of the issues facing him (besides recovery from his three major surgeries yesterday) are his blood pressure, his lungs and of course continuing to recover from his neurologic event.

It is still a scary thing to me to have my father in the hospital with such a life threatening issue. I am not sure that I have been the help that I have wanted to be for my extended family. It has been hard to put my emotions out of the way and try to deal with their hurts and fears. But I am committed to keep trying. Yesterday was not that successful, today went a little better. But I still have room for improvement.

It is good to know that tomorrow is a new day. I need a clean slate to make another run at it. It is good to know that our God gives second chances …. even third and fourth chances.

That is a good thing for me.

“But with you there is forgiveness” Psalm 130:4

Just Connie

Surgery Update

The good news is that Dad is stable and doing fairly well. The bad news is that it was a 10 hour surgery and the first heart valve they put into today “leaked” and they had to take it out and replace it. But he is still under sedation and will probably not wake up till tomorrow.

Areas of concern:

• neurologic damage
• pneumonia from the long sedation
• normal post op complications

Tomorrow will tell us a lot about how Dad fared through the surgery. So we are now home resting up and will head back to the hospital tomorrow. Please pray with us for his recovery in the days ahead.

Just Connie

Outsider

It is a painful thing to feel like an outsider. It is something that I often felt as a child. And even as an adult it is something that I have often felt even in the midst of my family. That sense of being thought odd … different … when people do not understand me or when they misunderstand me. Even at my age the pain of not fitting in is wrenching.

I felt that sting this afternoon when I absolutely did not expect it. I love my family though I know that I am very different from most of them. But there are times when I feel my “differentness” is the proverbial albatross hanging around my neck. Today was one of those times.

Old patterns, old hurts come to the surface so easily. I was flooded with a sense of “otherness” of not fitting in … of being ridiculed. The tears rolled down my face and I could not stop crying. Everything in me wanted to stop the tears, everything in me wanted to be able to shrug it off. But the reality is that it hurt and I couldn’t find a way to make it okay and fit into the group. I found myself withdrawing to the edges and trying to keep out of everyone’s way.

I think I could have found a better way to process the hurt. I am disappointed that this was not easier for me. I am disappointed that I let it cut me so deeply. So what do I do when hurt grips my heart? What do I do when people have intentionally or unintentionally stepped on the damaged parts of my heart? I think perhaps the solution is to seek healing for those tender spots. I obviously do not have it in me to fix this. I must seek help somewhere else.

“O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.” Psalm 30:2

I think God is sufficient …. even for me. God can heal me …. Will I let Him do it?

Just Connie

Surgery Eve ... Again

Tomorrow is the big day. We report to the hospital at 5:00 in the morning. That means we have a 3:30 wake up call to get ready to go. I have a feeling that we will not get much sleep tonight.

This surgery is an amazing thing to me. Tomorrow the doctors will stop my father’s heart, circulate his blood through a machine and actually work on the heart itself. What incredible technology! I am very thankful for the skills and expertise that will restore my father’s health. But I admit to finding this a scary thing. It is too important … the results of failure too horrible to even think about.

I find myself once again in that strange position of being pastor to my family. I am very thankful for the opportunity to minister to them, to strengthen and encourage them. But yet … there are times that I do not want to be strong. I want to weep and tell them I am frightened, that I hate what is happening. I think I need to find that balance of being honest and transparent but yet show them the hope of Christ.

That hope is very real and it has never let me down. Sometimes hurt has obscured the hope momentarily, but the hope is still there. I am grateful for those who are faithfully praying for me, praying for my father and praying for the doctors who will be working on him in the days to come. Just the knowledge of their love and support strengthens me. I know that their prayers make a difference.

“God heard them, for their prayer reached heaven, his holy dwelling place.” 2 Chronicles 30:27

So, tonight we wait … tomorrow will come all too quickly.

Just Connie

Joy in the Journey

Another day is winding up. It has been a good day. I have been teaching the adult Sunday School class and we are studying the book of Proverbs. I have really enjoyed it. There has been good discussion and I always think I get more insight than I give. But people seem to enjoy the class.

I also preached today. I love preaching, it always lifts my spirits and fills me with a sense of rightness. I am very glad that God has opened that door up to me again. I missed preaching. I missed the pastorate and it is an incredible blessing to me to have ministry doors open once again.

In many ways the past 8 months have been confusing and sad, but there have been good things happening as well. One of the highlights has been my ordination and assignment to the Willamina Church. It is a visible reminder of God’s guiding hand through the stormy journey.

I am confident that there are more blessings ahead. God is good and has good things in store for me. I just need to stay on the path and make sure to look for joy in journey. It is there just waiting for me.

"Go in peace. Your journey has the LORD's approval." Judges 18:6

Just Connie

The Wedding

It has been a full day. I started the day by helping mom and dad clean out the pond. That was actually fun. I enjoy working alongside my parents and it is a task that I do not mind at all. Besides I have been trying real hard to keep my father from doing too much. So it was a chance to take some of the load from him. By the time we got done with that it was time for me to get ready for the wedding.

The wedding went very well. The bride was beautiful and they were so happy. I am so glad for them and the commitment they are making to each other. It was a joy to share this day with them. Officiating weddings is one of the most fun things a pastor gets to do. I am always glad for the privilege.

I never officiate a wedding without thinking of my own wedding day. It was such a beautiful day, the sun was shining and it was a perfect crisp fall day. I was so happy, so in love and the future stretched before us with such promise. I find that I am totally at loss to find myself where I am just 9 years later. My mind knows that alcohol and free will has robbed our marriage of its potential before it even had a chance. However, my heart still struggles to find some meaningful reason or purpose in this loss.

I believe that God will build something new, strong and beautiful in my life out of the ashes. It might not be what I planned, or even what I thought I wanted but it will be God’s best for me. Sometimes that is hard to keep sight of, but it is what God is calling me to.

But tonight I am striving to keep that in front of me. God has abundant blessings for me. I will rest secure in that knowledge and wake refreshed in the presence of God’s love tomorrow. I choose to follow the call.

“All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God” Deuteronomy 28:2

Just Connie

Wedding Rehearsal

I just got done with a wedding rehearsal. Everything went very smoothly and I think it will be a beautiful wedding. Weddings are always such a joyous and happy time. It is good to be with people when they are happy and focused on what is good and positive.

I wonder how our lives would be different if we were to approach everyday like a wedding? What would be different for us if we were to be joyous, expecting wonderful things to happen every day?

I think it would be life changing. It would be life changing for me but it would also be life changing for the people around me. So much of our life is spent trying to survive, just dragging ourselves through. So much of our lives are spent in conflict or protecting ourselves from conflict, that we do not often focus on the celebration. And we damage those around us as we fight for survival.

As I watched the Bride at the rehearsal tonight, it reminded me that her expectation of joy is what I should have every day. The Bible invites us to the wedding feast and we are often told that we are actually the bride of Christ. I think it is time for me to act like I enjoy being at the wedding.

“As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” Isaiah 62:5

So tonight I commit to living in anticipation of joy. There is joy all around I just need to open my eyes and see it there.

Just Connie

Surprised by Sadness

I was surprised by sadness today. It had been a good day. I got some extra rest, went to a Bible Study with my mother and ran some errands. Then mom and I headed to St Helens to see my Niece’s new house (which was just wonderful). We also got a chance to see the new landscaping at my little sister’s house and then stopped in to see my nephew’s new place, where I got to play with their new baby bunny. I am so glad to see all of them settled and building new lives. It is exciting to see them grow and change.

Then on the way home we stopped at my sister’s grave. I was standing there thinking of her and how much I missed her. I noticed anew that my brother in law had his name on the headstone, just waiting for the day when he would join her again. My heart was warmed as I thought of their love for each other and I looked around and noticed how many other graves were couples. Then like a lightening bolt, came the thought, “My grave will be all alone.” It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.

Where did that stray thought come from? And why did it feel like it had such punch? The refrain “all alone, I will always be all alone” rang in my ears. I was assailed by such a sadness. I shook my head and sternly reminded myself that standing at my sister’s grave I should not be thinking of me …. and yet I was.

As I drove back to my parent’s house I kept turning it over in my mind and trying to examine it. And you know, I think I have come to several conclusions. First of all, I need to not beat myself up for the thought that passed through my mind. Second of all, I need to not stay attached to that that thought. I need to let it go. Thirdly, I need to recognize that perhaps I will be all alone, perhaps my gravestone will stand alone, but that does not have to be a bad thing. Lastly, I need to recognize that it could be a direct attack at a vulnerable spot of mine. I need to prepare and armor for it in the future.

As I have said before, I am not alone. God loves me, my family and friends love me. That is enough and I need to celebrate what I have been given. This is a new day, not a lost life. The same God that brought the Israelites through the Red Sea will bring me through. I will make it through this. God will get me through.

“You divided the sea before them, so that they passed through it on dry ground, but you hurled their pursuers into the depths, like a stone into mighty waters.” Nehemiah 9:11

Just Connie

Surgery Update

Mom and Dad and I met with the vascular surgeon today. They found a 98% blockage of his carotid artery. The doctors decided to do both the open heart surgery and the carotid artery repair at the same time. The carotid artery surgery will be first and then the heart surgeon will replace the aortic valve. It could be an 8-9 hour surgery. The surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday, August 11th. It will be nice to have this surgery behind him and have him recovering. Right now he is slipping away before our eyes and it is frightening to watch.

Tonight all of the family came for dinner and to get the latest news on Dad. The house was full and it was a good time to visit and be with each other. These gatherings seem to be getting bigger all the time. I have a feeling the family will miss these times during Dad’s recovery.

I have said it before, but I am very thankful for my family … for the love and support that they share so freely. As much as we hate my Father getting sick, I believe that we will discover new things about each other and ourselves in the days ahead. This can be a time to grow together and a chance to lean on the love from those around us.

I so want to be a blessing to my family through this time. I do not think I will be able to do that if I am not totally surrendered moment by moment. I am not expecting this to be an easy process, but it probably needs to be a committed process. It will take everything I am.

“The memory of the righteous will be a blessing” Proverbs 10:7

Make me a blessing …...

Just Connie

Waiting

This morning Mom and Dad and I headed for the hospital so that Dad could have an MRA. It is a test that pinpoints the arteries in his neck which is where the doctors are concerned about possible blockages. Tomorrow morning we will go to the vascular surgeon to get the results of the MRA.

It is rather strange to be in this in between time. We were all geared up and ready for the open heart surgery and now we are in limbo as we wait to find out whether Dad will need to have surgery to prepare him for the open heart surgery. So we wait … family members have been dropping in today and the phone has rung constantly. Tomorrow the whole family gathers here at Mom and Dad’s for dinner and the latest news. It is a wonderful thing to have such a strong family system of support and love. When one of us is hurt the whole family bleeds.

One of the phone calls that came in today was from my husband. I was touched that he called to see how Dad was doing. I would have been more touched if he had been sober. But I am trying to accept his care and concern without expectations. But I have to admit that I am finding it very difficult to do that. I find that I am swept by a strong sense of grief and loss. I have such a strong desire to see him freed from the bondage and ravages of alcohol. I grieve for the damage he is doing to his mind and body. When I face the reality of his drinking I grieve for everything we have so needlessly lost.

So here I am tonight … grieved … waiting … and a bit lonely. But as I look around the room, I have one dog curled up on the couch next to me, one dog is curled up on the floor by my feet and Bubba Bunny is curled up next to him. The baseball game is on and Mom and Dad are rooting on the Mariners. It is a reminder that I am not alone.

“7For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. 8If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” Romans 14:7-8

Regardless of what my emotions tell me, I am not waiting alone.

Just Connie

Surgery Eve

Today I bathed the dogs, packed up the bunny, loaded my laptop and all of the clothing I would need for the next week and headed to Burlington. I cleared my calendar so I could be with my parents for my Father’s open heart surgery tomorrow.

I pulled into Burlington mid day, unloaded all the animals, got Bubba bunny settled and was relaxing with my parents when the phone rang. It was Dad’s surgeon calling to tell us that Friday’s test results were in and they were concerned about a potential blockage in two arteries. The upshot is that the open heart surgery is postponed and he will be having an additional test Wednesday morning to determine what needs to happen next. It is possible that he will need to have some surgery to fix the blockage before they can do the open heart surgery to replace his aortic valve.

So here I am all ready and no surgery. But I am glad for the extra time with my parents. I do not get to stay with them very often. They have asked me to stay and go with them Wednesday when Dad has his tests and then meets with the cardiac surgeon. It is my privilege to be able to do that.

I am so thankful for my parents and the strong family that I was blessed with. They have given to me all my life. Their love and support has been a constant safety net for me. This opportunity is one small way that I can demonstrate my love and admiration for them in a very real and practical way.

This will be a much easier week than I was geared up for and I will enjoy these extra moments we have been given. It is good to love and be loved.

“May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you” Psalm 33:22

Just Connie

Singing My Heart

I love to sing. I have always loved to sing. As a toddler I would sing and dance anywhere and everywhere. (whether people wanted me to or not) I am not sure how my parents survived. Throughout school I sang every chance I got. I sang in the performance choirs, got involved with drama and just enjoyed singing in every venue that I could.

In college I learned to play guitar and that opened up a whole new world for me. My guitar went with me everywhere. I made some friends who also loved to sing. We sang in church, we sang for college events and one memorable time we sang at a local tavern. That one performance at the tavern convinced me nightclub performing was not something I wanted to do for a living. I think God was protecting me guiding me in the right direction.

In the years that followed I went on staff at a variety of churches as the Minister of Music. I continued to grow and learn as I sang for church services, conferences and just enjoyed lifting my voice in praise. I was blessed each and every time that I sang.

Today I had opportunity to sing for a church service. I sang a song that has really become my theme song over the years, “Great is Thy Faithfulness”. The pianist that accompanied me is incredibly talented. She created a beautiful arrangement that was a sparkling frame. It was a sacred moment when all of the notes seem to go right to God’s heart.

How thankful I am for the opportunity to sing what I believe. It has been a balm to my spirit over the past difficult months as I have not only sang what I believe, but sang what I felt. It has helped me express what I am feeling and process the experience as well. I think the Psalmist gave us great wisdom when he told us:

“make music to the LORD with the harp, with the harp and the sound of singing” Psalm 98:5

Tonight I will continue to make music. I think it will help me in the difficult week that lies ahead.

Just Connie

Simple Moments

Well the hot weather continues. I shouldn’t complain since it is about 10 degrees cooler than it was a few days ago. But I am so unmotivated when it gets hot. I have a pile of things I should be doing but here I sit; kind of headachy and tired.

I finally got moving and filled in the bunkers that my sheepdog has dug in the back yard. It taught me a couple of valuable lessons. First of all there is never as much dirt going back into the hole as what came out of the hole. I think it is some kind of scientific mystery. Second of all I discovered that I am really out of shape. I am huffing and puffing like a steam engine. With any luck I will have recovered by tomorrow morning so I can teach my Sunday School class. Tomorrow I am hoping to spread the bark chips to cover the whole mess before we have a good heavy rain. Then with any luck I can convince Charlie to desist from her excavating for a little while at least.

So now I am sitting in the family room with the computer on my lap. There is a nice breeze blowing through the patio door. One dog is curled up on the couch, one is sprawled out over the floor and Bubba Bunny is tearing around my feet. This would be a typical evening for me. Quiet … with the animals to entertain me. This new life has many things that I do not like but there are moments like this that are rich and good in its simplicity.

“The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple” Psalm 119:130

I just might be learning something …. I hope so.

Just Connie