Surprised by Sadness

I was surprised by sadness today. It had been a good day. I got some extra rest, went to a Bible Study with my mother and ran some errands. Then mom and I headed to St Helens to see my Niece’s new house (which was just wonderful). We also got a chance to see the new landscaping at my little sister’s house and then stopped in to see my nephew’s new place, where I got to play with their new baby bunny. I am so glad to see all of them settled and building new lives. It is exciting to see them grow and change.

Then on the way home we stopped at my sister’s grave. I was standing there thinking of her and how much I missed her. I noticed anew that my brother in law had his name on the headstone, just waiting for the day when he would join her again. My heart was warmed as I thought of their love for each other and I looked around and noticed how many other graves were couples. Then like a lightening bolt, came the thought, “My grave will be all alone.” It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.

Where did that stray thought come from? And why did it feel like it had such punch? The refrain “all alone, I will always be all alone” rang in my ears. I was assailed by such a sadness. I shook my head and sternly reminded myself that standing at my sister’s grave I should not be thinking of me …. and yet I was.

As I drove back to my parent’s house I kept turning it over in my mind and trying to examine it. And you know, I think I have come to several conclusions. First of all, I need to not beat myself up for the thought that passed through my mind. Second of all, I need to not stay attached to that that thought. I need to let it go. Thirdly, I need to recognize that perhaps I will be all alone, perhaps my gravestone will stand alone, but that does not have to be a bad thing. Lastly, I need to recognize that it could be a direct attack at a vulnerable spot of mine. I need to prepare and armor for it in the future.

As I have said before, I am not alone. God loves me, my family and friends love me. That is enough and I need to celebrate what I have been given. This is a new day, not a lost life. The same God that brought the Israelites through the Red Sea will bring me through. I will make it through this. God will get me through.

“You divided the sea before them, so that they passed through it on dry ground, but you hurled their pursuers into the depths, like a stone into mighty waters.” Nehemiah 9:11

Just Connie