Bleeding

My head hurts. My eyes are swollen. I am exhausted. I guess that is what happens when you spend the day crying. You know I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Gerrald has been gone for 8 months. I should have a better handle on the whole thing.

It started last night when Gerrald called. He was very … uhmm … “not sober”. That in itself is always distressing to me. But he was also very maudlin. He wanted to talk about us. Not that he was really able to talk about us in a useful way, but he was sad and wanted me to share in that. He kept telling me he missed me. The only time I hear that from him is when he is drinking. He also wanted me to know that I was a “good woman” and his leaving was not my fault. There really was nothing I could say. It does no good to confront him when he is drunk and I certainly did not want to join in. So I finally just said thank you. He talked and talked and talked and the more he talked, the more I cried.

Then today I get another bill from him “charging” on my accounts. A card that I had canceled but it seems that there was some late billing that had not come through before the card was cancelled. So there is yet more of his debt to pay. And that makes me so angry. Angry at Gerrald and angry at myself. And that just makes me cry harder. The anger never lasts long … it is just overwhelmed with sorrow.

It is so sad. I hate to see what he is doing to himself. His choices are so destructive. It dawned on me today that he is killing the man I married, the man I fell in love with. Physically, mentally and spiritually …. the man I married is dying. And there is nothing I can do about it.

I can feel myself bleeding to death, the constant daily phone calls, the drunkenness and his overall behavior are a wound to my heart that is kept fresh. I cannot keep on doing what I have been. I have got to find some ways to put some healthy boundaries.

So tonight I am not answering his phone calls. I do not have to subject myself to that night after night. I am not sure what else I can do, but I will look for ways to emotionally protect myself and distance myself from his behavior. It is past time to stop the bleeding. It is time to heal.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” Psalm 147:3

Just Connie