Dad's Surgery - Day 7

Well, Dad did not get to come home today. His heart went into atrial fibulation last night and his heart rate went up. His blood sugar also went up as well. They have put him on an IV drip to bring his heart rate down and even out the beats. He was doing better this evening and they took him off the IV and put him on an oral medication. So how he does tonight will probably determine whether he gets to come home tomorrow. He really wants to come home. He was more than ready yesterday. He was pretty disappointed today but took it all in typical “Dad” stride.

When I got home tonight there was another message from my husband asking me to call him. So I called him (I must be a glutton for punishment) He wanted to know if Dad had come home from the hospital so I told him the latest news. I was doing a fairly good job of being impersonal and upbeat. Right up until the time he said, “ I am sorry that everything has been so hard for you.” I assured him that I was fine and said good-bye. But inside I was shrieking. “I am not fine! If you cared, you would not have left.... again! If you cared anything about me you would not keep choosing alcohol over our marriage.” I wanted to scream at him, “I should not be alone!” The hurt was all together too familiar to me as were the tears that came with it.

I am so tired of crying over my husband. I am tired of the constant grief that is always just under the surface. But yet, how can I not grieve? How can I not cry? What kind of person would I be if I stopped caring about what happened to him? What kind of person would I be if I was able to just shrug it off? I do not think I want to be that person either. But I have to wonder if there isn’t something between these two extremes. Something that would allow me to not bleed to death in my grief, but yet never forget the wonderful man I married?

I am not sure how to find that middle spot. Too often I feel like a blind woman flailing around in the dark, just desperately trying to find the path.

“Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths” Psalm 25:4

I have faith that God will bring me through this. I think it will take less of me … more of Him. I will not find the path if all I can see is me. So for me ... “less is more”.

Just Connie