Outsider

It is a painful thing to feel like an outsider. It is something that I often felt as a child. And even as an adult it is something that I have often felt even in the midst of my family. That sense of being thought odd … different … when people do not understand me or when they misunderstand me. Even at my age the pain of not fitting in is wrenching.

I felt that sting this afternoon when I absolutely did not expect it. I love my family though I know that I am very different from most of them. But there are times when I feel my “differentness” is the proverbial albatross hanging around my neck. Today was one of those times.

Old patterns, old hurts come to the surface so easily. I was flooded with a sense of “otherness” of not fitting in … of being ridiculed. The tears rolled down my face and I could not stop crying. Everything in me wanted to stop the tears, everything in me wanted to be able to shrug it off. But the reality is that it hurt and I couldn’t find a way to make it okay and fit into the group. I found myself withdrawing to the edges and trying to keep out of everyone’s way.

I think I could have found a better way to process the hurt. I am disappointed that this was not easier for me. I am disappointed that I let it cut me so deeply. So what do I do when hurt grips my heart? What do I do when people have intentionally or unintentionally stepped on the damaged parts of my heart? I think perhaps the solution is to seek healing for those tender spots. I obviously do not have it in me to fix this. I must seek help somewhere else.

“O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.” Psalm 30:2

I think God is sufficient …. even for me. God can heal me …. Will I let Him do it?

Just Connie