There are times that I miss my husband with breath taking intensity. There have been times over this past month that I have missed his companionship and his humor. I have missed having someone standing at my back supporting me in endeavors and happenings. I often found myself missing him as I have walked through these past weeks with my parents.
I remember how wonderful he was when my sister Delinda died. He was a loving and strong support through the memorial preparations and funeral. Of course it was just 3 weeks after that, that he drove off in a drunken rage after depositing me on the doorstep. He was gone for 8 months that time.
But in spite of all that history I still find myself missing him. When I got home today there were 21 phone messages waiting for me, 16 of them were from my husband. About 1/3 of those calls were made when he was sober, the rest were ….. well not sober.
I found myself gripped with grief tonight. Grief that his choices are so damaging, grief over my loneliness and the loneliness I am sure that he is also experiencing. Grief over everything his choices bring us.
I think that though I do not like it, this grief is a natural part of the healing process. I should grieve over this loss. I should grieve over his choices. However, I cannot allow that grief to incapacitate or embitter me. This is a time that can teach me and enrich me if I will let it.
“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD” Psalm 31:24
I choose to live in hope.
Just Connie
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