New Year's Eve

Here we are in the last day of 2009. I have to admit that I will not be sorry to see the last of it 2009 has been a life changing year for me. Some of it good and welcome but much of it heartbreaking and sad.

2009 began with a sober recovering husband who suddenly within days was not recovering any more. That frightening realization sent me fleeing for safety. Over the next month it became evident that my husband had no remorse and no desire to be sober. Within a month he had packed and left for parts unknown. Leaving me in a situation that had become all too familiar over the years.

During that same time, my beloved grandmother went into the hospital. I would spend the night in Burlington, drive to Salem and work all day and then drive to the hospital in Portland and spend the evening sitting with my grandmother in her hospital room. Her unexpected passing several weeks later was a stunning blow to me. But I will forever be thankful for the circumstances that made it necessary to stay with her the last month and a half of her life. In that situation I could see God's hand bringing good out of the ashes of despair.

Just two weeks later my best friend and hiking partner, Debbie passed away from cancer. Her passing was a release from a body that had been ravaged by cancer. I was both heart broken at how fast the cancer claimed her, yet I was glad that her suffering was not prolonged. I am thankful for the time I was able to spend with her everyday of her last couple of weeks of life.

Just days after the passing of my friend, my mother's best friend , Marilyn who was my second mother and friend died through assisted suicide. I was so sad that she felt she was out of options and suicide was the only reasonable answer for her. I am thankful that she called me her last day of life to tell me she loved me. How I wished I could have made it different for her.

Over the next couple of months I tried to keep my head above water while facing the grief and changes of my new reality. I was further saddened at the closing of the church I had pastored for the past year but kept trying to look ahead certain of God's hand and sovereighty.

In June I realized a dream when I was ordained by the Free Methodists. In June I was also laid off from my full time job at the Mission. Suddenly my life was very different yet again. But I was assigned to the Willamina Xhurch that I had come to love over the years.

Over the summer months I looked for full time work and settled into my new church assignment. I found the grief sapped me of energy and drive. But with God's help I felt I was still moving forward.

In August my strong, independent father went through open heart surgery. Since my schedule was flexible I helped in any way that mom and dad needed me through those weeks of recovery. Everything was looking good until a catastrophic fall in October caused a massive brain injury. I was thankful for his survival but grieved over the life changing nature of the injury. Once again I was thankful for a flexible schedule so I could be available to help. God's hand again providing before I even knew I was going to need it.

Over Thanksgiving and Christmas I found myself assailed anew by grief and loneliness that comes with my newly altered life. I fought to find even ground to stand on as I faced family time with no family around me. All I can say is that I made it through.

Though 2009 has been a personally devastating year, I have had constant assurance of God's goodness and strength. I am beginning this new year with absolute faith of God's faithfulness to me. I believe that there are good things in store for me. 2010 is an unwritten page. I pray that the story I write will glorify God and encourage others as we minister together.

"God, whom I serve with my whole heart in preaching the gospel of His Son" Romans 1:9

Just Connie

Playful Puppy

I am sitting in front of the fire watching Hope puppy play with her pile of toys. She loves to pike them up like a dragon sleeping on treasure. She loves each and everyone of her toys and all of the myriad objects that she finds and enjoys everyday.

Tonight the puppy is playing with a towel I used to dry off her paws when she came in from the snow. She pulls it into a pile and then grabs the end of it and swings it around her head. Now she is laying on it and chewing it while growling ferociously. Earlier she found a rock that she has played with all day. She pushes it around the deck with her nose and flips it up into the air and then she pounces on it as if it were a live thing.

I realized as I watched her today that she approaches everything with a playful heart. I think that is a wonderful trait. I also think it has been a long time since I approached life with that kind of playfulness. It might be very good for me to develop a bit more playfulness into my life. I think Hope puppy is very good for me. I will look forward to what else she will teach me in the days ahead.

"The hills bring Him their produc and tall he wild animals play nearby." Job 40:20

Just Connie

Snow Day

The world is fresh and new tonight. There is a sparkling blanket of snow over the pale patchy winter grasses. In just a few short hours, there was no more mud, no more dirt. Just a pristine winter wonderland.

There is something in my soul that responds to this miraculous transformation. It gentles the sorrow I have been facing and brings a new sense joy and hope. It reminds me that God's love will make all things new again in his time. A reminder that there is a season for everything. In the same way that the snow covers the dirt and mud, God's grace covers my hurts and inadequacies.

I am thankful for the respite today. There is life waiting to bud out under the snow. Spring is just around the corner.

"Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" Ephesians 4:24

Just Connie

Puppy Thoughts

Having pets is never dull. My house has been further enlivened with the arrival of Hope puppy. Everything is now a toy and a potential disaster waiting to happen. It is a lot like having a toddler in the house again. Nothing can hang down from table tops including electrical cords. Nothing can be left on the couch or heavens forbid that I would leave my shoes on the floor. Because they would immediately be a teething toy.

Though it has been challenging, time consuming and often inconvenient, I have to admit that it is also exciting and wonderful to have this new baby in the house. She is full of unbridled enthusiasm and overflowing with love and affection. She is also endlessly entertaining.

I am very grateful for this gift I have been given. It really helps me focus on something other than my sadness and loss. It is impossible to feel sad with a wiggling puppy on your lap. I just hope that I will have the strength, the patience and the love to give her the guidance and training that she will need.

"God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good." Genesis 1:25

Just Connie

Christmas Thoughts

Well I made it through Christmas. I found that my dread of the day was really worse than the actual event. There were both blessings and sorrow.

I spent Christmas Eve night with my parents. So Christmas morning I popped out of bed and we opened our stockings on mom and dad's bed. I loved the time with both of them and I was very grateful that I was not completely alone. It was truly a blessing to be with them.

Afterwards I packed up the dogs and we headed home. We spent the day napping on the couch and watching TV. For the most part it was not nearly as sad as I feared, but I found myself jumping every time the phone rang. I think I really expected Gerrald to call. It would remind me that it was Christmas and I was alone and that would make me sad. But I would try then to find something to do. For the most part I did very well. I made it through.

I am just about done with my "year of firsts". My first birthday without my husband, my first Thanksgiving, my first Christmas and so on. In just a week the year will be complete. I will be done with our first year of being apart. That is both sad and that is good. It is good because I am safe and Gerrald is getting help. It is sad because we had such potential together and the choices that have led us here have been frightening and heart breaking.

So now I am preparing for Church tomorrow. I have my lesson ready and I am expecting good things. In fact I think that is a good way to face the New Year. I am expecting good things. I choose to expect good things. I cannot think of a better way to face the new year. I need to look towards Christ, spend time in the Word and let God freshen my hurting heart.

"Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender grass." Deuteronomy 32:2

Just Connie

Christmas Eve

Well here it is is, Christmas Eve. It has been a day of wonderful chaotic family, food and celebration. Everyone has gone home and the dishes are done. I have filled the stockings for my parents and I in the morning, the fire is roaring and I am slowly going over the day's events in my mind.

I have often said how grateful I am for family. Even more I am grateful for family that loves me. A large part of who I am is because of the love and stability they so freely share with me. That love gives me a confidence that even the storms of this past year cannot shake. I am loved and I love. That is a precious and very rare gift.

Tonight we celebrate another precious gift, the gift of Jesus Christ. How grateful I am for a God that loved enough to send His Son. The Babe in a manger still changes lives today. He is changing mine every day. That is my my strength for today and hope for tomorrow. Merry Christmas everyone.

11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Luke 2:11-12

Just Connie

Christmas Friends

Well, my presents are wrapped. I didn't get any baking done, however, I did get time with friends today. I think that was probably more important than anything else I have done this season.

I had lunch with a fellow female minister. We serve in neighboring towns. We have been trying to get together and today was the day. We sat and talked for two hours. It was wonderful and we both came away from our lunch date knowing that we need to do this together on a regular basis.

Then as I was sitting beginning to think about what I was going to do for dinner, a friend called and asked me to meet her for Chinese food. We had such a good time together. I always love the time we get to just sit and talk. We are very like minded and share a love of critters. It was a wonderful time.

On my way home I stopped by the neighbors to give them their Christmas gift. To my surprise they had another gift for me as well. It was a beautiful blue and red Betta fish. I was so pleased and so surprised. I spent about 40 minutes with them just sitting and enjoying all of them. I love each of them and their two sons are incredible young men. I left feeling warmed and happy.

So here I sit tonight very glad for the the opportunity I had today to be with friends. The warmth of their love has lifted my spirits tonight and chased away sadness and grief.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke2:19

Just Connie

Room at the Inn

Christmas is almost here. A Christmas that is very different from what I had hoped for. Sigh .....This year I have so many emotions swirling around inside me. There is grief ....sadness ... there is loneliness and so many others. The emotions batter my senses and fill my days. They leave little room for anything else as they battle within me.

In spite of all those emotions, I also have a deep sense of thankfulness. God has brought me through every step of the way. At times I was kicking and screaming, but he still walked me through this dark and difficult year. He has given me family to lean on and to love me, even when I felt unlovable. He has opened up new ministry and new possibilities even as other doors were shutting. I am thankful. I can see God's hand guiding and protecting me through the storm.

As I prepare for the final countdown to Christmas I am working hard to shake off the sadness and let my heart be filled with the joyful certainty of Christmas. God's gift for me ...a babe in a manager. The promise, the reality of the indwelling Christ. I just need to make Him room"

"The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us" John 1:14

Just Connie

My Choice

Here it is just a few short days before Christmas. I still have a lot to get done. I have sewing projects to finish and presents to wrap besides a ton of housework to do. Then there is the baking I need to get done. Sigh ... and to be honest I feel pretty unmotivated to "get er done".

But in spite of my lack of motivation, the work is there staring me in the face. So tomorrow is my crisis day. I must get it done, because Wednesday is my baking and cooking day. Thursday I will pack up early and head to Mom and Dad's.

I am a little surprised at how unmotivated I feel this year. I feel like I am slogging through a pit of molasses. Every step is an effort and the temptation to sink down and give up is so strong. It would be so easy to just lay down and let the molasses slowly cover me.

However, despite those emotions I am choosing to keep going. I will keep slogging through the darkness until the sun breaks through. It is an act of my will. I choose it because it is the right thing to do, I choose it because it is what God calls me to and I choose it because I believe the sun will come out tomorrow.

I am soooooo ready for tomorrow.

Just Connie

Candlelight Thoughts

Tonight was the Christmas Candlelight Service at the church. It was truly beautiful. The music, the flickering candles, all of it tugged at my heart. I am so thankful for the church I have been assigned to. The staff, the people and the community are all an incredible blessing to me.

Even through the beauty I was struck anew by a flood of grief and loss and during the service. Everything has changed so much this year. I miss my husband. Well I miss my sober husband. I do not miss the drunk, angry and volatile man he became when he was drinking. I also miss the future we were building together. Jointly owned dreams and plans and the certainty of growing old together. At this point all I see stretching out in front of me is a lifetime of Christmases by myself.

I do not think there is a magic fix for this sadness. I think it is probably a normal outcome of the situation I find myself in. But I have to admit that I do not like it at all. I want the magic, the wonder and the joy to come back. I think it will come back but I will have to work on it and keep walking through it step by step. It might not be magic, but I think the journey will be worth it in the end.

"Then they said to him, "Please inquire of God to learn whether my journey will be successful" Judges 18:5

Just Connie

I was part of an interesting experience tonight. I was invited to a dinner of friends from the church. After dinner we were sitting around in a circle talking and laughing. The hostess said she wanted each of us to go around the circle and tell each other what we liked or appreciated about each other in a word or short sentence.

It started out rather light hearted, but I noticed that the room quickly grew quiet as people began sharing their hearts. Eyes filled with tears as we said things to each other we would never say in the course of a normal day. Important things, wonderfully affirming things. I am so glad for the opportunity to both share my heart about what I see in my friends, but also to hear what they see in me.

Now it has me wondering why we so seldom take the time to say these really important things to each other. Is it that we do not want to feel awkward? Or that we do not know how to structure the moment to create the time to share. Or is it that we are afraid of feeling those kind of deep emotions? You know it might be a bit of all of those.

Tonight reminded me of how important it is to share our hearts with each other. I need to both share and I need to hear from others. I think I will try to be more purposeful about doing both. I think that it could really change my relationships .... for the better. I just hope I have the courage to follow through.

"My mouth with speak words of wisdom; the utterance of my heart will give understanding" Psalm 49:3

Just Connie

Puppy Lessons

I learned something today. I learned that I am slower than the puppy. That was not real shocking to me but I really thought that I could at least keep up. That puppy can run circles around me. and get into 10 different kinds of mischief while she is at it.

Today Hope puppy did not do well with her house breaking. No, she didn't even come close if the goal was to take all potty breaks outside. She is also at that stage when everything goes into her mouth . The same mouth with the needle sharp teeth. To add in potty training I put her on a leash, she promptly chewed it in half. With me standing 6 inches away from her. She looked so startled when I expressed my dismay. She could not conceive what my "issue" was.

Hope puppy is also trying hard to get the bunny to play with her. her concept of play involves wrestling and chewing. Those are not strong points for the bunny who does not have the sense to stay away from the puppy. In fact the bunny is very curious about the puppy and follows her around. I am trying to be hyper vigilant so we do not have a disaster on our hands.

She is also chewing on everything. Door frames, tables and chairs, rugs anything she can get her little puppy teeth on is fair game. I think I need shrink wrap on everything to help us get thought the next few months.

In spite of all of this, I am enjoying this new baby in the house. But she sometimes makes me feel old and slow. How can something so cute and innocent be so incredibly busy and naughty. You know it is probably the same way that I can.

Just Connie

Tired and Cranky

I am feeling kind of tired and cranky tonight. That is a fairly unusual feeling for me. I am having trouble rising above it. I do not think anyone else would realize that I am cranky, but I can feel it. I am impatient with the dogs and I just want to be left alone.

I guess all us have those times when we are not at our cheery best. But to be honest I really do not like this. It is kind of an ugly feeling and I do not want to feel like this at all.

So I am going to see if the bedding is finished drying so I can make the bed and call it a night. I think a good nights sleep will help restore my equilibrium and balance once again. If I am still cranky tomorrow I will have to dig deeper for the problem.

I am yawning and very ready for bed. Sleepy ... sleepy ... sleepy. See things are already looking up.

"When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." Psalm 3:24

Just Connie

A Different Christmas

This will be a very different Christmas for me this year. I have been trying real hard to not give in to the sadness that I feel lurking around the edges. I am also trying to stay busy and focused to try to fight the darkness off. But the reality is that I am sad at the changes in my life. I miss being part of a family. I miss having the companionship and love of a spouse. I am lonely and I am grieved over the sheer losses I have faced this year that will be so evident at Christmas.

I also find that I miss the rituals that my husband and I had developed together. I made the decision to not decorate the house for Christmas and I still do not know if that was a good decision or not. It makes me kind of sad to drive down the street and see every one's tree and know that there is nothing waiting for me at home. But yet, I have to admit that I am really glad I am not facing the massive cleanup effort all by myself.

You know I think that issue of all by myself is a large part of it. I just did not want to face doing it all by myself. I didn't want to decorate by myself, look at it by myself and put it away by myself. It all feels so flat and off kilter to me this year. And then I feel bad for feeling the way that I do.

I am trying to remind myself that how I feel is neither right or wrong, it is what it is. It is a symptom of the loss and changes I have faced in the past year. Perhaps the answer lies in letting it be what it is. I think I need to find ways to embrace the changes in my life. Christmas is still Christmas regardless of my personal life. That is something worth celebrating.

"I bring you good tidings of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the city of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11

Just Connie

The Name

Puppy continues to romp and play and get into all kinds of mischief. I have really enjoyed her antics. I have not enjoyed as much the endless vigilance required so that my shoes do not get chewed or the sofa, or the bunny. You know normal puppy kind of things. But it is so worth it. I was also entertained today when the puppy talked Charlie my sheepdog into playing with her. They would run and chase each other and every once in a while the Charlie would take one of those great big paws and pat the puppy, which would send the puppy rolling across the floor. She would immediately jump up and run back for more. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes.

Today we reached another milestone. The puppy has a name! It is a name that is a statement of the love and care that brought her to me. It is a statement of my belief that God has a future and a plan for me. It is my statement of how I choose to live. Her name is Hope.

I think Hope will be a constant reminder of God's grace and love. Her love and companionship will call me to live in hope and believe in the work that God is doing in my heart and life. I am hoping ... I am hoping.

You will be secure because there is hope" Job 11:18

Just Connie

More Puppy Thoughts

I am sitting in the recliner with the laptop and I am watching the puppy. She has gathered all of her toys into a big pile it he middle of the family room floor. She is laying on top of the pile and chewing and the rope toy on top. She looks a little like a dragon laying on it's pile of gold.

Now she is already on to the next game. She has found a tennis ball and she is tossing it in the air and chasing it. Then she will grab it and roll on the floor while holding it in her mouth. She is having a wonderful time. She plays with such intent and purpose it is fascinating to watch.

It makes me wonder if I play as well as the puppy does. I know that I need it. Playing is part of a healthy balanced life. But I have to admit that so much of my life is being spent in just trying to survive. I really have not put much energy into play. I think in the next couple of weeks I am going to strive to find ways to play.

In fact I think it is time to get down on the floor and play with the puppy. It will be good for me to romp and play and fact perhaps she will tell me what her name is while we play.

Just Connie

Puppy Thoughts

I slept with the puppy last night. Well that is, I slept when the puppy was not biting me on the nose ... or pulling my hair or chewing on the blankets. I felt like I spent most of the night saying "Ow! No puppy!" It is a lot like having toddlers again.

But in spite of less sleep and more work, I am enjoying this new baby in the house. I think that this gift is really healthy for me. I can feel my spirits lifting every time I look at her. She is endlessly amusing. The bunny has even been very enthralled with her and I noticed tonight Bubba Bunny was following the puppy around. The puppy is not quite sure what to do with the bunny. It is pretty funny to watch.

I am still working on a name for the puppy. I keep looking in her little doggie eyes and saying, "Tell me what your name is". She just tries to bite my nose and wiggle back down to the floor to torment my sheepdog some more. She is in that fun stage when she is pure energy and then will drop to the floor in an exhausted heap and sleep in deep puppy sleep for a while. Then she is off and running again.

In fact I am realizing that she has been awfully quiet for while. I better go and check on her and make sure that she has not gotten into something or hasn't found something to chew ... like my dress shoes. Yeah ... I think she will keep me on my toes. It really is like having toddlers again ... "No, don't put that in your mouth".

Just Connie

The Gift

Several weeks ago I lost my 16 year old terrier to old age. It has left an empty spot in my life. But Charlie and the bunny and I were limping along as best we could trying to adjust to life with out our friend.

Tonight the neighbor came down with my Christmas gift. it was so good to see them after having been gone and they have been so kind to me over the years. Their son Mark comes and helps me at the house. He has been a big help over the last year as well as an encouragement to my wounded spirit. Tonight they walked in with .... a wiggling, squiggling ball of fluff.

I scooped up ball the of fluff and buried my face in her soft, sweet smelling puppy fur. Then they said, "She is your Christmas gift." My eyes filled with tears and I stammered and stuttered and looked at them in disbelief. But it was true; that sweet little puppy was mine.

It seems that Mark had taken all his Christmas money and bought me a dog because he was felt so bad for me over Bear's death. That is when the tears really began to flow, they are still flowing. I think puppy and I will become good friends and I think we will be a good match for each other. Even more my heart is overflowing at the kindness of a young man who cared about my hurting lonely heart. This gift is a gift of love that will keep giving for years to come.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above" James 1:17

Just Connie

Fearsome

Fear is an assiduous foe. It wraps dark oily tentacles around you and holds you back from experiencing freedom and peace. It destroys confidence and vibrancy. I have learned a lot about experiencing fear over the past 10 years ... more than I have ever wanted to know.

Tonight I saw fear conquered and the darkness beat back. My 4 year old great nephew Hunter has had a powerful fear of dogs. he has never been attacked by a dog, but he also has not been around them very much. I have found that fear to be sometimes uncomfortable and sometimes inconvenient as my dogs are usually with me.

Tonight when Hunter walked into the house, he did his usual freeze and scream when saw my sheep dog Charlie. I ignored him and took the dog into the other room. Later when i got the chance I told Hunter that Charlie was one of my best friends and ever slept with me every night. I also told him that Charlie was very gentle and would never hurt him.

Later in the evening we were petting my bunny together when he shocked me by asking, "Would you go with me to pet Charlie?" I took him by the hand and I let him lead me over to the couch where Charlie was sleeping. She lazily raised her huge hairy head and let Hunter gently pat her head. He slowly got braver and patted me and let me come and sit by him. He further surprised me when he asked me to go aways so he "could pet her by himself". So I sat in a chair on the other side of the room and watched as he gained confidence. By the time he left, he happily ran over and hung on her neck and hugged her.

It was a joy to my heart to see Hunter conquer his fear. It was a good reminder to me that fear is never God's wish for his people. We were created for freedom. Tonight I saw him lean on a trusted friend, face his fears and let trust grow. I think that is a formula that could work for any of us. I think perhaps that if my 4 year old great nephew can do this, that there is hope for me to face the fears in my life. I think I can ... I think I can.

"I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts." Psalm 119:45

Just Connie

A Day to Help

I am tired tonight. The cold, cold, cold weather continues. We had a high today of about 18 degrees. When it is that cold it really saps the energy from me. And there was lots to get done today.

First off I needed to haul firewood. The woodshed is up the hill from the house. So I had to bundle up and head outside and up the hill. It is so cold that it hurts to draw a deep breath. I kept telling myself that it was very good exercise for me, which it really was. I am very glad that I am here to be able to do that for my parents right now.

Then mom and I went up in the attic and brought down all the Christmas stuff. We got the tree decorated and I must say that it looks wonderful. But that is sheer hard work. It is not only the hauling of the boxes but hauling them down the steep curvy wooden stairs from the top floor of the house. To be honest I was really glad of the chance to do some Christmas decorating this year. It was good to unpack familiar Christmas ornaments and decorations from my childhood.

It dawned on me while I was decorating how tragic this Christmas could have been for the family. Everyone is struggling with our first Christmas without Grandma and I am struggling with the loss of my husband and marriage. We came so close to losing Dad that it takes my breath away. To see him improving day by day is truly a gift. I am very grateful for this time with my parents and I will celebrate every moment that God gives me with both of my parents.

Christmas will be different for me this year. It will be different for my family as well. Different .... I do not always like different. Regardless, my task will be to face it, learn from it and to keep walking ahead. Christmas is all about transformation and hope. That is something to get excited about.

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5

Just Connie

Homecoming

Dad came home today! It is so amazing to have him here. We reported to the hospital early this morning and received the last of the training of how to help him as he continues to recover. Then we packed up a months worth of clothing and "stuff" and headed home. The day has gone very well and I am so blessed at how well he is doing. And he is so happy to be home.

Watching Dad's contentment at being home reminds me of how important it is to have a place to call home. A place of love and safety. A place where we can be who we are. When we have a home it gives us a confidence and a stability that helps us withstand the storms of life. When we do not have a home, it fills us with a longing to love and belong and to be loved.

My husband's struggle with alcohol destroyed our home. It robbed me of love and safety. I am working to rebuild a home for myself. I want a real home to come to. I want it so much that I find myself filled with longing for it at times. I think it will take time and healing, ... and work.

Tonight I pray for each of you that you have a place to call home. And I pray that home fills you with strength, security, love and the presence of God.

"Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God" Psalm 84:3

Just Connie

I Can See Clearly Now

I have worn contacts since I was in my 20's. They have worked very well for me. I used to get a backup pair of glasses to wear late at night or if I had a problem with a contact. But glasses have gotten really expensive, so the last time I got glasses was about 1989. My glasses are very large and when i wear them several things happen. My nose hurts, they do not fit well over the bridge of my nose where I broke it, my ears hurt where the ear piece rubs in the wrong spot and my eye sight is blurry because my eyes have changes over the last 20 years.

So needless to say, I do not often dig out my glasses and wear them. I finally decided that it was dangerous to not have glasses to fall back on. So I took myself down to WalMart and wandered through the glasses. The first thing that happened was intense sticker shock. Wow! Then I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of choices. To me they all looked like glasses. I did not even know where to start. Luckily one of the clerks took pity on me and picked out some frames to choose from. She actually finally found a pair that I liked and everyone in the store weighed in on as well as being the right choice.

Today, I went and picked up the finished glasses. I am glad to have them. It was a reminder to me how important it is to see clearly. I need clarity of vision to be able to see the path I am walking. During this time of transition it is even more important for me to see life for what it is. I think there are several things I need to do.

• I need to focus on Christ, not on my problems & loss
• I need godly friends to offer perspective & counsel
• I need inspiring worship and restoration every week
• I need recreation and laughter

I think these things will help clarify my vision and help me walk this path successfully. I think vision is what will show me the path and hope is what will keep me walking.

"The Lord gives sight to the blind; The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous." Psalm 146:8

Just Connie

Sunday Lunch Date

I had lunch with friends today. The timing could not have been better. I often have such a let down when I come home from church and walk into the empty house. Today was so much different.

After church I ran home and met a couple of people who had come to help dismantle the float from the light parade which was in my garage. I worked as fast as I could so I could meet a friend and her son for lunch. The work was soon done and I headed down to Coyote Joes our local restaurant.

We sat and talked and talked and laughed and talked some more. It was thoroughly enjoyable. We talked about horses and our lives and everyday life. There was nothing earth shattering or illuminating, just the joy of like minds spending time together.

I left the restaurant feeling uplifted and happy. Our time together had done something for my heart and mind that has stayed with me today like a warm glow. It is a good feeling. I think I will enjoy it for a while.

"Be joyful at your feast" Deuteronomy 16:14

Just Connie

Light Parade Thoughts

Tonight was the Willamina Light Parade. I have always loved the parade and enjoyed standing in the cold and enjoying the beauty of the lights with my husband. Today was very different than my past experiences.

It started early this morning with decorating the float for the parade. It was bitterly cold and it was last minute without a clear plan of what we were doing. By the time we finished up, it was time to run home and change clothes and get ready to line up for the parade. Still cold and hopping up and down for warmth we waited in line and got the kids settled on the float, dried tears and explained over and over why we were not moving yet. It made me miss those moment with my own children.

But the moment came when the float was moving. We waved and wished everyone Merry Christmas. being with the Preschool children is such a blessing and it never fails to lift my spirits. They were having so much fun it was wonderful to be a part of it.

I am grateful for such a different Light Parade this year. There was no time to brood about my husband being gone. The whole routine was very different. It was joyous and upbeat and a balm to my heart.

So now I am wrapped in my electric blanket and trying to warm up the last lingering cold spots. My sheepdog is draped over my legs and I have Christmas music playing in the background. It has been a good day. There will be more of those ahead. I am expecting them.

"Light is shed upon the righteous and joy in the upright of heart" Psalm 97:11

Just Connie

Pastor's Dinner

I stood in the midst of a room full of people tonight and felt lonely. It was the annual Pastor's Christmas Dinner and Free Methodist pastors from all over the state had come to enjoy and evening of fellowship together. Everyone is always very welcoming and kind. I enjoy seeing them and hearing what is going on at their churches. But I found myself standing there and thinking that last year I stood there with Gerrald at my side. He was sober and seemed to be doing well. We had a wonderful time together that evening. A few short weeks later he was drunk and gone, but that night he was there.

Tonight I stood alone. I am finding that I do not like being alone. I miss the companionship of having someone by my side, someone to discuss the day's events with, someone that cares about me. I try to remind myself that I do not miss the alcohol fueled rages. I do not miss trying to smell his breath to see if he had been drinking. I do not miss being afraid ... or bruised .. and everything that went along with that. No, I do not miss that.

The reality is that I miss the man I married. Not the drunk, but the kind, gentle, humorous man who loved me "to the bone". I miss him with every breath. I grieve his "death" and departure.

I am going to keep walking through this. Through the loneliness and loss, through it all. I will not get stuck here, I cannot get stuck here, I refuse to get stuck here. I will make it through.

Just Connie

Busy and Tired

What a day! I am tired, tired, tired. I got up early this morning and headed to Good Samaritan Hospital in Portland, It was my day to be trained to help dad in his recovery process. It was very interesting. It was also exciting to see the continued improvement in his speech and his movements. It is very encouraging to see how far he has come in a month. I realize that he still has a long road ahead of him, but I think he will do very well.

Then I jumped in the car and drove two hours back to Willamina. I made a quick stop in Salem and picked up a couple of things that I needed. I got to the house with just enough time to eat a quick sandwich and then head to the church for Board meeting. It was one of those meetings where we had some tough things to wade through. I am thankful for a group of people that want unity and health for the church. They are willing to do the hard stuff to help get us there. Sometimes working with people is just downright painful.

Tomorrow, I am in a training session with our prayer group and then I have to meet a repair man at the house and then it is our pastors dinner. It just seems to get busier and busier all the time.

So tonight I am going to grab a good book and curl up with my electric blanket and my dog. I am going to get a good night's sleep to prepare for the busy day ahead of me. I think God has stuff for me to do.

Just Connie

Time for Friends

I met with a friend tonight who is facing some major challenges. I met with her to support her and offer any help that I could. As we met, we talked, laughed and cried and I was struck anew at how much I am coming to love and appreciate this godly woman.

Something else happened while we met together, I found myself sharing some of my own sadness and loneliness with her. She listened and offered me truth and perspective that I needed to hear. It brought solace to my wounded weary heart.

In my desire to reach out and help a friend in need, I also found help for myself. It is a good reminder for me that it is only when we give ourselves to others that we find what we need for ourselves. I think that this Christmas is a good time for me to look around and seek people who are lonely, marginalized or sad and reach out to them. I am sure that I am not the only one who is finding Christmas difficult. But perhaps I can make it less difficult for someone else.

"I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David, a Savior has been born to you, He is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:10-11

Just Connie

I drove to Portland today for a conference with dad's doctors, nurses and therapists. It was a wonderful opportunity to sit in on his therapy session and see for myself how he is improving every day. The conference was a chance for dad's medical team and family members to address any concerns and go over his progress.

If Dad continues as well as he is doing now, he will probably be released next Tuesday. What an incredible miracle that is. He has come so far in three weeks. He still has a long road ahead of him, but I have no doubt that he will come back all the way.

So next week will start a whole new chapter for the family. I think it will be challenging for everyone especially for my mother. But I think the family will gather around and do what they can to help. I will go and spend the first few days with them to lend a hand and help.

Dad's recovery is truly a miracle and I am so thankful.

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed and miracle that cannot be counted." Job 5:9

Night Time

I am curled up in the recliner in my jammies, the dog is curled up on the couch, Bubba Bunny is tearing around the room trying to get the dog's attention and the fire is taking the chill off the night. It is a beautiful evening.

I love this quiet time of the night. There is a feeling of peace that I often find to be missing. The animals bring me endless amusement and such a feeling of unqualified love. I am very thankful for them. They do a lot to fill up the lonely spots.

In a few minutes I will walk around the house blow out the candles, turn off the lights and check the locks. My sheep dog Charlie will follow me around from room to room unless I take too long and then she will stand in the bedroom door and bark at me. When I eventually climb into bed, get the covers and pillows situated just right, I will pick up my book and then lay back on the pillows. The second my head hits the pillow Charlie will jump up and join me on the bed. She will lay with her head on my chest while I read and scratch her head.


All in all a good night, a peaceful night. I think I will enjoy it.

"For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest" Job 3:13

Just Connie

1st Sunday of Advent

This is the first Sunday of Advent. It is the first year that I have not had an advent wreath up at my house. I have always loved Advent. I love the ritual and the opportunity to draw the family together to reflect on Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. But this year is so different. I do not think I am ready to try to light the advent wreath every week by myself. Even though it has been meaningful in the past, everything feels different when it is just me by myself and it just seems kind of sad. So the Advent Wreath remains packed away this year.

I am still struggling with what to do about Christmas decorations. I have considered putting up one of my small trees and none of the other decorations. I have considered just putting my nativity sets out. And I have considered doing nothing at all. Right now I am leaning towards nothing at all.

It seems like a lot of effort to go through when there is no one to share it with. I am not expecting to do any holiday entertaining and my heart is really not with all of the hoopla this year. In fact I am just trying to survive this holiday season without curling up in a catatonic ball or having a screaming fit.

I have no doubt that I will make it through this. I will not always feel this sad. I will not always feel such an acute loneliness. But for me I think the season will not so much be a celebration but sheer "grin & bear it".

Perhaps it will be a good time to focus on what really matters ... family .... friends and ministry. Perhaps it can be my chance to really focus on the the "Reason for the Season". Perhaps it will be my chance to grieve the losses in my life and begin to rebuild for the future. Perhaps ....

Just Connie

Odd Couple

Since my dog Bear has died my sheep dog Charlie and my rabbit Bubba have been carrying on this mutual admiration society. I noticed it the first day we got back. I walked into the family room and there was Charlie licking the rabbit. The rabbit was curled up and seemed to be absolutely happy to be soaking wet. I even walked over and told Bubba that maybe Charlie was "tasting" him. But that didn't seem to phase either one of them.

Since we have been back I have come across them at various times at it again. Sometimes I just notice a soaking wet bunny hopping by, other times I actually see Charlie grooming the bunny. It seems to be important to them. For some reason they are connecting in what seems to me to be a very odd way.

The reality is that they are connecting. As odd as it seems and as odd a pair that they are ... they are connecting. It reminds me that we all need to connect with people in ways that are meaningful to us. In the same way that Charlie and Bubba Bunny are seeking each other out, I need to continue to seek out others. It will help to give me strength for today and hope for tomorrow. It will help chase the cobwebs of sadness and loneliness away.

I need to commit to looking for ways to connect with others. That feels a little scary but I guess if a rabbit and a sheepdog can do it than I can do it as well. I can do this ... well as long as there is no licking involved.

"I am a friend to all who fear you" Psalm 119:63

Just Connie

Joy Time

I got to see my daughter, Joy today! That is always a special day for me. I have really missed her and I was disappointed when I was unable to go down and spend the day with her in Eugene. But today she and her boyfriend Jarrod drove to Portland to see us at the hospital.

I think it was good for her to get the chance to see her grandfather. I know that it meant a lot to him as well. He loves to have his family around him. I have been so thankful for our strong loving family through these past 2+ weeks. It strengthens all of us and it is such an incredible blessing when life gets difficult.

When we left the hospital I met my daughter and her boyfriend for lunch. I had the best time with them. I wish that I had the chance to spend more time with them. They are talented and funny and interesting and just plain fun to be around. I always enjoy spending time with them.

So as I sit here tonight and reflect on the day, I am very glad for my daughter Joy and her boyfriend Jarrod. I am thankful for who they are, thankful for their healthy relationship and thankful that they can squeeze me into their busy calendars once in a while. I relaly look forward to getting to know them better.

"Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home." Genesis 31:55

Just Connie

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, a day to be thankful to eat traditional meals and gather with friends and family. For me today was not a traditional Thanksgiving Day.

Mom and I headed to the hospital early this morning to be with dad. We found him in good spirits. He is doing better each and every day. I have so much to be thankful for in his continued recovery. What a wonderful blessing it is.

I spent the day watching football, working on my sermon and just enjoying being with my family. My little sister popped in mid day and tonight my nephew's family stopped in. How grateful I am for a family that loves and supports each other. I know that mom will have plenty of support in the days ahead as Dad continues to recover. Yet two more things to be thankful for.

We were surprised by a special Thanksgiving meal from the hospital, complete with pumpkin pie. I truly thought we would be eating our Thanksgiving meal around the vending machine. That is yet another thing that I have to be thankful for today.

I am thankful for a thankful heart tonight. For the opportunity God has given me to stop and count my many blessings. In fact the count goes on .....

“O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.” Psalm 30:12

Just Connie

Thanksgiving Eve

Well here I sit contemplating a very different Thanksgiving coming up tomorrow. For the last 10 years I have been at the Mission. As you can imagine it is a very big day with hundreds of hungry homeless and over 100 volunteers coming in to help. Then there is the media and news crews that need to be escorted around. Thanksgiving was a very long, very busy day for me.

This year I will not be at the Mission. That was already a huge change. I will also not have a husband. That is a huge gaping aching hole in my holiday, but I was really looking forward to spending this Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in a decade. Then Dad was hurt. Family plans came to a screeching halt. I decided that I will spend the day at the hospital with mom and dad. I am very grateful that I will be able to be with them. Though it will be very different than I had imagined my Thanksgiving to be.

It makes me stop to reflect on what Thanksgiving is. There will be no turkey with all the trimmings for me, there will be no pumpkin pie to finish off the meal. In fact the hospital cafeteria is closed and we will be scrambling to find a vending machine tomorrow. But I am reminded that Thanksgiving is not about what I eat, it is about what I am thankful for. I do have things to be thankful for. Here are a few that come to mind tonight.

• Mom and Dad
• Dad's Recovery
• My Children
• My Friends
• Ministry
• Roof Over my Head
• Pets who Love Me
• God's Grace
• God's Love
• Hope for Tomorrow

The truth is that tomorrow is about love and relationships, not the traditions of what and where I eat. I am so very grateful for everyday that I have to spend with my parents. It is an incredible blessing and gift. I can't ask for more than that. Tomorrow will truly be Thanksgiving for me.

"Let us come before him with thanksgiving" Psalm 95:2

Just Connie

Pet Brains

An odd thing happened today. It was bath day for Charlie my sheep dog. If you want to get a clearer idea of what bath time is like you can read about it in my March 12th blog. It is a major undertaking at anytime. Unfortunately today I think her brain got wet in the process of her bath because she seems to have totally lost her mind.

Since I let her out of the flooded bathroom, she has been tearing around the house like a possessed beast. Currently she is spring boarding off the couch and running in circles int he family room. That is a pretty good undertaking when a 120 pound dog is leaping around in a room the size of a postage stamp without breaking anything. Every once in a while she would take a break from that and stand in front of me and bark. I am not sure exactly what she was saying, but I am pretty sure it was not complimentary. She would then go back to running in circles only slowing down to stop and shake water all over me.

I have never seen her quite this exuberant after a bath. I finally gathered her big furry face between my hands and gazed deeply into her brown yes and said, "I think your brains turned to mush during your bath." She immediately started hopping up and down like a bunny rabbit. I am pretty sure that she was in total agreement with me.

Now hours later she is still acting goofy. Hopefully by morning her brains will have dried out and things will be back to normal. Well as normal as they get around here.

Just Connie

Today's Sadness

I am tired inside and out. I think I am having a natural emotional reaction to the horrific events of the past weeks. But natural or not I am struggling tonight. I am surrounded by such a sense of sadness and loss. It permeates everything I do. It saps my strength and energy and feels as if I am carrying around a 100 pound weight.

I guess it is natural to feel sadness. There has been such terrible losses in the past year. My husband left, Grandma died, my best friend died, I lost my job, Dad’s accident and then Bear’s death. Anyone of those would have generated sadness on their own. But to have all of them happen in just 11 months …. well it sometimes is a flood that threatens to sweep me off my feet.

So where do I go from here? I am not entirely sure. I cannot see the path clearly at this point. But I think that is okay. I need to let it be what it is. The path will become clear as I keep moving ahead. I do not know what tomorrow holds but God does. That is enough for today.

“I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." 1 Samuel 1:16

Just Connie

It's Sunday

It has been a busy day, It’s Sunday so I had a class to teach and then of course church service. Afterwards I headed home to do my cooking for the big Thanksgiving dinner at the church.

I spent the afternoon cooking and watching TV. What I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. But I made it through and headed back to the church to set up for the dinner.

The dinner went very well. We had over 150 people there. Everyone seemed to have a good time and we had plenty of food. Food is always a good thing, It goes a long way to build bridges. Afterwards everyone lingered and talked and visited. That was really enjoyable. Then we spent about an hour and a half cleaning up and putting the church back together again.

On my way home I talked to mom and I got a good update on dad. He had a good day and there continues to be small improvements. I am hopeful that he will make a good recovery. I know that the family will continue to pull together and do what we can to help each other and my mother through this event.

So here I sit reflecting on the day that is quickly drawing to a close. It was full and busy and I am thankful for ministry, fellowship and family. God is good.

Just Connie

“May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” 2 Corinthians 13:14

Un-Bearable

Pet’s have always been an important part of my life. I have had sheep, dogs, cats, gerbils, hamsters … well you get the idea. I have loved each and every one of them fiercely. Each of them have had unique personalities and taught me different things.

For the last 16 years, I have shared my house and my home with a small black terrier named Bear. He was blessed with a sunny disposition and not a lot of smarts. But it was impossible to not love him. Everyone he met was charmed by his bouncy good natured doggie self. I taught him a bevy of tricks which he would amaze and astound people.

Over the last year his health really began to fail. He was mostly blind and deaf and in the last 6 months was beginning to be confused. But he retained his sweet disposition and most people thought he was much younger than he was.

Last night about 2:00 in the morning he had a major stroke and he passed away on my lap at the vet’s office later in the morning. I admit that I am having trouble wrapping my mind around this loss. Bear has been such an integral part of my life for 16 years that I do not fully understand what it will mean to have him gone. I know that normally as I write this he would be curled up alongside me, hugging the warmth of the fan from the laptop … but when I look down now, there is just emptiness there.

My heart is sad and I do not think I want a house that is “un-Bear-able”. But yet here I am, yet another new chapter begins. I am not sure that I like this book.

“Anyone who is among the living has hope —even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!” Ecclesiastes 9:4

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 7

Life at the hospital is so different than life anywhere else. It is like visiting a far and distant foreign land. Over the years I have learned to speak the language fairly well, but it is still very much a foreign land.

As a pastor I am in and out of hospitals all the time. The one you find out fast is that it is different when it is your family member. This past week has been exhausting, frightening and somewhat disorientating. Even though I have worked hard to eat right, get adequate sleep and take care of myself. I can feel the toll it is taking on my emotions and physical body.

Tears lurk just under the surface, emotions run high and tolerance runs low. The trick through all of this is to find balance. The kind of balance that will keep you on the path when you are rocked by the various “slings and arrows”. Because enough slings and arrows can drive you off the path completely. I do not want that to happen to me.

“In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” Ephesians 6:16

I am working hard trying to be a blessing to the family. I am trying to run interference for my mother and take some of this incredible burden and hurt from her when I can. This has been a horrible awful experience, interspersed with moments of beauty and joy. I am still confident that God will bring us through. What kind of journey it is will be up to us.

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 6

Dad is better tonight. In fact all in all it was a much better day. He was not so agitated, combative and unhappy. That alone made it a much better day for everyone. It was a direct answer to prayer and I am very thankful for the respite.

The day began with the discovery that there had been a fluid build up around his lungs. So he was taken down to surgery where he had a chest tube put in which drained off all of that excess fluid which was compressing his lung function. He is breathing more easily and that is another thing to be thankful for tonight.

Dad’s brother came to see him today and dad said his name very clearly when he walked in. That was pretty exciting. There were several times today that he said words clearly. Not many but several. Each word filled us with renewed hope for the possibility of recovery for him. Yet one more thing to rejoice in and be thankful for.

I have a renewed sense of thankfulness tonight. In the midst of crisis, God is still working. He has not forgotten us nor abandoned us. Tonight I am resting in that awareness and letting it wash through me. It will chase the cobwebs of discouragement out and let the light of Christ’s love overwhelm the darkness of despair.

“You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 5

Today was challenging, heartbreaking and just plain hard. Dad was agitated and very unhappy. He seemed to have lost a lot of ground today. We spent most of the day trying to hold him down and keep him in bed. Even though he was in restraints, he kept wiggling out of them. Nothing we said made any difference and we told him over and over he was in the hospital and could not get out of bed.

Holding him down only made him angrier. I was pushed away many times and one time even backhanded. That was so shocking that it was hard to process. My father is one of the gentlest men I have ever known. It is so out of character and so alien to who he is and how he treats his daughters. And it just broke my heart. I spent much of the day, holding his hands down and crying while I did it.

But what really did me in is when the muscle cramps began in his legs tonight. I was already exhausted from a long hard day. Dad would moan and writhe on the bed in such horrible pain. I ran to get a nurse and some medication for him, but I could not stand to see him in such pain. I just wanted to somehow find a way to make it better for him. It was dreadful to be so helpless.

My mother has been incredible through this. It is hard and she just keeps going and takes it as it comes. She has every doubt and fear that I have faced and she stands strong. She is a living testament to God’s grace in action. I am trying hard to run interference and take some of the stress from her, but I do not think I am doing that well.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will get up with renewed energy and fresh hope to meet the day. I am very thankful for a God that never runs out of energy, wisdom, peace or love and has the grace to dispense them to His people. I have never needed them more.

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope” 2 Thessalonians 2:16

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 4

Here I sit at the end of a very long day looking back on what has happened. There was good news and other news. I refuse to look at any of it today as bad news. It was news that informed us and that is okay.

Dad continues to make some improvement. He was moved out of ICU tonight and moved into an intermediary care room. It is amazing how good overall he is doing. His blood pressure has stabilized, his incision on his head looks wonderful and all his tubes and wires were busy doing what they were designed to do.

On the plus side, he has had all of the wires removed from his head. Now he only has his feeding tube (he cannot swallow) and the tube that is draining excess fluid from his surgical area where the massive hematoma was. I expect that to be removed at any time now. He is also obviously responsive. To people visiting, to nurses, he told mom today that he loved her. You could understand what he said. It was incredible. I also clearly heard him say yes tonight. Those small victories are worth celebrating.

On the “other” side, he still cannot communicate and that really frustrates him. I noticed that by tonight he was trying less to speak. I am hoping that the therapist tomorrow will give us some guidance to know how to go. This is all new ground for me and I know that it is for mom as well.

Also on the other side is my response to his frustration. I found myself feeling hurt when I was pushed or gestured away. I know that he does not mean it. It is totally out of character for him. It is a sign of the massive brain trauma he has undergone. I need to let it go like water off a duck’s back. My mantra needs to be “this is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me” I also worry about how mom is will hold up to this. Because in so many ways this is not the husband she knows lying in that bed. It does not mean that she loves him any less; it just means that she will often be surprised by his responses. I guess we will both have a lot to learn in the weeks ahead.

So tomorrow, we will get up and head back to the hospital and deal with the day as it unfolds. One day at a time ….. just one day at a time. Really that is all any of us have to work with.

“No man has power over the wind to contain it ; so no one has power over the day of his death.” Ecclesiastes 8:8

Just Connie

Dad's Injury - Day 3

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions, Dad was stronger and more responsive. That was wonderful news to my heart. However, and this is a HUGE however, he is not able to speak his thoughts at this time. They come out in a gibberish of one syllable words for the most part. Once in a while we can pick up a word. He can say "no" and a pretty good approximation of my mother's name.

It has been heartbreaking to watch him struggling to communicate. He is beginning to get frustrated when he cannot convey something to us. I do not have anyway to make this better or to fix this for him.

The first words that he spoke after the ventilator had been taken out chilled me to the core. I sat very still and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. In the ensuing hours it became clear that there was a significant problem with his speech. Tonight the nurse talked to me very frankly about where Dad was. It was very hard to hear, but very important for me to listen to.

So I came home to mom & dad's house tonight and began making phone calls. I wanted to make sure that all of the family had the same information to work from. The calls were excruciating but all of them needed the information. So I slowly waded through it.

So here I sit, exhausted, headachy and very ready for bed. I will make it through this. The family will make it through this. As my mother shared tonight, "We will just have to take it as it comes. That is what life is."

"Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning." Job 11:17

I am so fortunate to have family to live life with



Just Connie

Dad's Head Injury - Day 2

I want to scream and shout and weep. I don’t because I know that I have to “keep it together”. There are people that I love who need me right now. My first view of my father was shocking even though I was expecting something horrific. His hair had all been shaved off the left side of his head and he had a large bloody wound about the size of a mush ball where they had opened his skull to relieve the pressure. There were tubes and wires coming out of his head, tubes and wires coming out of every part of his body. He lay with unnatural stillness as my mother and I slowly approached his bed.

Looking for small spots that did not have tubes or wires, we rubbed his legs and held his hand and just sat quietly with him. When we first came in his inter-cranial pressure was at 11 (normal is 0). By the time we left it was about 3-5. It steadily came down all day. As the day went on they lessened his sedatives and he began to respond to us. By the time we left tonight he could open his eyes …. (well one of them) briefly and squeeze our hands.

My father remains in critical condition in intensive care. I begin to think that he will pull through. But even as I realize that I am aware that he has a long road ahead of him. One of his nurses said today that he will probably be in the hospital for a month or more.

For me, I find that I just want to find a quiet place and lay my head down and weep out my hurt for him and my fears for what he will face in the future. This is a life changing event. It might be life changing for more than just mom and dad. This could be life changing for all of us. I guess all I can do is pray, stand strong in Christ and be of help in whatever way I can. You know, it would be so much easier to just weep and wail.

“When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud” Job 2:12

Just Connie

Critical Injury

It was my sister on the phone. “Don’t freak out,” she said. With those words, I sat heavily in the chair, turned off the TV and waited for the other shoe to drop. “Dad fell playing racquetball and he is in critical condition.” With those words life has been turned upside down.

I threw some items in a suitcase, (I have no idea what I grabbed) grabbed the dogs and put the bunny in his outside cage so the neighbor boy could check on him. I took the bale of straw out of the back of my rig and pulled out of town while trying to make calls to tell my children, to put it on the prayer chain and to somehow pull it together so I was calm when I got to the hospital.

On the two hour trip to Portland, I prayed I cried and I fretted that it was taking too long. My sister called again to tell me that he was in surgery and they did not know anything yet. I finally pulled into the hospital and sprinted to the ICU. All of the family was there. My nephews and nieces and great nephew. Aunt and Uncles and my sister. It was total chaos. I moved around the room and greeted everyone and tried to make sure that no one was in too much distress. Then I found a quiet corner and talked horses with my mother’s pastor. It was balm to my worried heart.

When the surgeon came out he was surprised at the cloud of people that stood when he asked for the family of Tony Crawford. The surgery went well. Dad has a fracture skull with bleeding on the brain. They operated to relieve the pressure but he is in critical condition. The next 24 hours will be critical for him. The doctor told us to go home and sleep and come back in the morning.

I am so stunned. He had turned the corner on the recovery from his heart surgery and has been doing so well. This just seems so impossible. But yet it is all too possible. I am praying for his body to fight, to heal, for swelling to go down and bleeding to stop. I know that he is in God’s hand. I just wish the waiting was over.

“He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.” Luke 9:11

Just Connie

Birthday Joy

Today is my daughter’s birthday. It is hard to believe that she is 24 years old. She is growing up into an incredible woman and I am very proud of her. She has stood on her own feet and made her own way in the world since she was 18 years old. She is incredibly strong, yet so very tender.

I have really missed her since she went to Eugene. I am glad that she is in school and glad for the opportunity she has to experience college life in it’s entirety. I think she will do very well. She is a good student and smart. She will be able to do anything she decides she wants to. That is a wonderful thing.

I get to go down and see her on Monday and I am very excited about it. I am going to spend the day with my daughter. Wah hoo! Who knows what we will end up doing. Anything could happen. I know that it will be enjoyable. I always enjoy my time with her.

Today I want to wish her a Happy Birthday and let her know that I love her and that I am proud of her. She is a blessing to me and I look forward to our day together. I pray that God will draw her close today and bless her abundantly and completely. I pray that she will walk in the light of his presence every day of her life.

“Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear” Psalm 45:10

Just Connie

Being Alone

I get really lonely at times. I do not think that God created me to live alone. I think that He created me to live in the midst of a family group. But yet here I am alone. That is the reality that I am faced with.

I try to make healthy choices and to not focus on my aloneness, but the reality is that I drive home every day to an empty house. I go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I am seeking to learn to live alone and find contentment right where I am. But I have to admit that I do not like it.

One of the healthy things I have been trying to do is to develop some friendships. I have been thrilled over a couple of the friendships that are really beginning to develop into heart friendships. That has been a balm and a solace to my lonely heart. Tonight I got to spend time with one of my heart friends and just enjoy the richness of her company.

I have to admit that tonight I do not feel quite so alone. I have friends that love me. That is an amazing things. You know it also occurs to me that I do not go to bed alone every night. Now don’t get the wrong idea, I go to bed with one very elderly terrier and one very large hairy sheepdog. I should never feel lonely in a bed that is that full.

As in most things in life, I guess it is a matter of perspective. I need to keep identifying the ways that God is surrounding me with His love. From the love showered on me by my pets, to the love of my family members and the growing relationships with friends. All of those are very visible reminders that God does not leave me alone and I am loved.

So I think I will get ready for bed , cuddle up with my doggie friends and let them remind me that I am loved tonight.

“On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.” Psalm 63:6

Just Connie

Easy Button

Another day is winding to a close. I spent the morning preparing for the budget and finance meeting. I had spreadsheets to update and agendas to create. Then tonight I spent in a two hour budget and finance meeting. It was very uncomfortable because we were dealing with pastoral salaries tonight.

Sigh …. I wish there was an easy button for things like this. Just push the button and it would all be done and balanced. Come to think of it there is quite a few things in my life I would like to solve with an easy button. Like a job, and my marriage, and … well the list could go on and on.

I guess that as nice as an easy button would be, it would rob me of the lessons and growth of the struggles of life. I keep saying it, but there is value in the process. I am learning and growing day by day. Life is changing me, expanding my understanding and teaching me how to love more fully. I guess when it comes right down to it, it is not about my circumstances it is about my heart.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

There is life to be lived right here, right now. It might not be easy, but the responsibility for it is all mine.

Just Connie

Microwave Lesson

I did a dumb thing today. I didn’t think it was a dumb thing when I first began. But I knew within moments that it was …. well dumb.

The power has been going on and off the last couple of days due to the thunder storms. My electronics have not appreciated it. One of the casualties was my microwave. It would not accept a command and was stuck, stuck, stuck. I decided that it probably needed to be reset. Unfortunately since this is a very old model that was only possible by unplugging it. That sounds so easy, however there were a couple of complications. The first one is that the microwave is built into a cabinet. The second complication is that the microwave is very large and very, very heavy.

After considering my options, I decided that perhaps I could pull it out enough to snake my arm in behind it to unplug it. That turned out to not be the case. By the time I had pulled it out enough to get my arm behind it, it was coming out with or without me. That is when it first began to dawn on me that perhaps this was a dumb thing I was doing. I found very quickly that it was too big and too heavy for me to really control but I slowed it’s descent to keep it from crashing to the floor and somehow guided it onto the chair I had placed beneath it. When it finally settled on the chair I took a deep breath of relief. Well I did until I saw the two long parallel scratches I had put on the front of my cabinets.

But I tried to not get sidetracked and climbed up into the cabinet and reset the microwave. Then I stood there and looked at my problem. I had no way to get the microwave from the chair back into the cabinet. I even rocked it back and forth until I could get my hands underneath it and tried to lift it. I just could not do it.

So there I stood looking at that huge microwave sitting in the middle of my kitchen knowing that there was nothing I could do that would put that thing back where it belonged. I knew that I had no choice but to call for help. But I sooooo did not want to do it. I finally forced myself to go to the phone and call a friend. Who came up and very quickly lifted it back into the cabinet for me. He was more than happy to lend a hand to help out.

It makes me wonder why I struggled to call for help. I really did not want to do it. I did not like feeling so helpless for something that should have been so simple. I didn’t like admitting that I was not sufficient for the task. I have to wonder where that pride came from? because the reality is that pride was not helping me, it was hindering me from getting the help that I needed.

I guess it is a reminder for me that I cannot do it by myself. It is time to learn the wisdom of just being what I am. Because there will be other tasks that I cannot do in the days ahead. I hoping that it will make it easier to call for help next time.

I am a work in progress, I am learning. Slowly … but I am learning. Now I guess it is time to get the varnish out and fix the front of the cabinets. Why is learning such hard work?

“Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.” 1 Timothy 4:15

Just Connie

Retreat Thoughts

I have just spent the last 24 hours with denominational leaders. They gathered all of the Conference Committees together to share vision and strategy for the future. The Bishop spoke with us three separate times. What he had to share with us was powerful. I am going to share with the church. It is the latest from the Bishops on the roles of the pastor and the role of the church board. It was very good.

It was also good to spend some time with other like minded leaders. I am glad for the chance but I have to admit that I am still struggling with feeling like the new kid on the block. In those moments between sessions I often found myself the odd man out. No one does it on purpose, they just naturally gravitate to the people they know. I tried hard to force myself to join the groups and to move around and interact. I did a fairly good job most of the time.

But I do tire of this feeling of not really fitting in. I know that it will eventually fade away as I get to know people and they get to know me. But I miss being a vital part of the larger group, being known and knowing everyone. I keep reminding myself that I felt the same way with the Nazarenes in the beginning. It took years to really fit in.

I wish that more of my life was comfortable right now. There is such discomfort at so many levels. But I guess that is to be expected during a time of transition. It is one of those things I will just have to “tough it” through. It will get better.

“You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” Psalm 71:21

Thankfully I am not in this alone.

Just Connie