In God's Hands

Well … he did not have car problems or an accident. My husband just chose to not come. I have no idea why. I am sure there is some reason that makes sense to him that kept him home. The reality is that his choice left me sitting in the hotel lobby for two hours waiting for him. He didn’t even call. I was not even worth the time & consideration for a phone call. In fact he would not return any of my phone calls. I finally called his father this morning to make sure that he was okay. I found out that he was fine, everything was fine. He just chose to not come.

This event highlights the importance of our separation. Because the separation brings protection, safety and sanity back into my life. This latest event has put me back on an emotional rollercoaster. There is no safety to be found on this ride. I am fighting tears and I am mad at myself. How did I allow myself to get sucked into this? I should be able to just allow this to roll off me and be done with it. And yet it hurts so much and it feels like an all too familiar rejection.

You know, the truth is that I love him. I don’t trust him, I can’t depend on him, I can’t live with him … but I do love him. I need to let that love guide me through this seething morass of emotions. Because I love him, I need to seek God’s best for both of us. That doesn’t mean what makes me comfortable or fulfills my “needs & wants”. It means to walk with confident steps where God is asking me to go. Even when it takes me somewhere I think I do not want to go.

Sigh … I will put Gerrald in God’s hands. There is nothing I can do at this point but pray.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8:26

I do not have the words to express my hurt, my fears and my heart. I am glad that God knows regardless.

Just Connie