Seeing Gerrald

Well, my stomach is in knots and I am suddenly dreading my trip tomorrow. My husband just called. He has signed the separation papers, had them notarized and wants to meet me in Denver tomorrow to give them to me.

I find myself in an emotional maelstrom. Thoughts and feelings are swirling around me and I am having trouble sorting out exactly what I am feeling. I am nervous, scared, excited and sad all at the same time.

I am excited to see Gerrald and see the changes he has undergone since he has left. I care deeply about him and I want him to succeed and grow. I want him to find himself right where God wants him and discover the freedom and joy that obedience and growth brings.

I am nervous. I am nervous that I am excited to see him. I am having such trouble drawing healthy boundaries. We cannot do what we have been doing for the last 10 years. It is not helping him or me and it is not honoring to God. Every time Gerrald goes on a downward drinking spiral, the anger and the violence are a little deeper and a little bit worse than before.

I am scared that my loneliness and sadness will override what I think is good and right. I need to stand strong and help guide us both through this shifting ground. I need to not let my emotions take over.

I am sad. I am sad that I find myself at this place once again. I have been here too often and the pain I am experiencing feels altogether too familiar. I am sad that love was not enough for us. I am sad that I was not able to help Gerrald stay sober. I am sad over the loss of my husband, partner and friend.

I do not know what the etiquette is for this situation. I guess all I can do is to continue to pray for wisdom, be kind and loving and stand strong right where God has put me. I am not sure that I can do this thing. … No, I am certain that I cannot do this thing. I can only lean on Christ and let Him do this.

“Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this” Psalm 37:5

I can do this … I can do this … I can do this. …. I think.

Just Connie