This is the week ... the week that I think about things ... about the past and about my future. It was 5 years ago this week that I slipped a few clothes in a bag and quietly crept out of the house. Leaving a a situation that was becoming more and more dangerous for me. I left to protect myself but I had hope that somehow my husband would sober up and that God would work a miracle for us.
Instead over the next month and a half it became obvious that he had no desire for sobriety or for marriage. And one day in February he called to say goodbye as he left town. It was with sadness that I pulled into an empty house two months after I left and began to rebuild my life.
There is still so much that brings me great sadness as I look back. Sad for what we lost in his alcoholism, sad for the scars that it brought to my life and sad for the gifts that this man has that are obscured by his choice for alcohol. Sad that I find myself alone at this point in my life.
But as I look back I also realize that God has done some wonderful things in my heart and life in the past 5 years. He has taught me to both receive grace and to give grace. He has brought people to help me when I am weak and people to celebrate the victories with me. He has taught me to do things for myself that I never wanted to attempt, like mow the lawn and service my pellet stove.Iit fills me with the sense that I can be independent and yet accept help when I need it.
As I look ahead, I realize that my life might not be what I dreamed it would be. However, I am choosing to live in hope. Hope that God is not done with me, hope that there are good things ahead for me and hope in the knowledge that life is worth the hurts.
Life happens ... But I choose hope. It is always the right choice.
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