Halloween

Halloween night. I am sitting here with my feet up and reflecting back on the day. It started with reporting to the church first thing this morning. We set up carnival booths and filled candy bags and tried to get everything ready for the big night.

Then I ran home and made cupcakes for the cake walk and got my costume together. Then it was time to head to the church. I was in charge of the pumpkin ring toss. It was wild and wonderful. It kept me hopping. The children in their cute costumes made it a joy to watch how much they were enjoying themselves. There was a good crowd and I heard lots of positive comments from parents and children.

All in all it was a good event. I love activities that build bridges with the community. Tonight did that. I am thankful to be part of a church community that is actively participating in the community. I am glad to be part of a community again. It is a good feeling and I can use some of that in my life again.

“May God Almighty bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples.” Genesis 28:3
Just Connie

Close Call

I had a close call tonight. My heart is still pounding. I was sitting in the family room with the dogs and the bunny. I had one dog curled up on my lap and one dog that was curled up on the floor at my feet. The fire was going strong and all was quiet and comfortable. Life was good.

Suddenly, there was an explosion and shrapnel was raining past me, the dog yelped and ran to the other end of the house. I hit the floor for cover. All I could think of was that a stray bullet had come through the patio doors. When I was brave enough to raise my head the doors were intact. I couldn’t get clear in my mind from which direction the flash and explosion had come from. I shakily got to my feet feeling rather foolish and began to slowly walk around the room searching. I began to find pieces of plastic and metal. Some embedded in the couch and in the carpet others just laying around the room. It just made me a lot more confused. I couldn’t make sense of the tiny melted twisted pieces I was finding. Then I found a large twisted piece of metal and wires on the hearth by the pellet stove. I tried to pick it up but it was still too hot. I stood there and gingerly poked it a few times as I realized what it had been. It was my “clicker”, the long handled lighter that I light the pellet stove with. I had left it on the hearth next to the stove and it had gotten too hot and had exploded.

When I realized what had happened it began to dawn on me just how blessed we were. I often sit on the end of the couch by the stove but I had moved to the other end of the room where it was a bit cooler. The dogs are usually curled up by the stove and they had both moved with me. The bunny had been behind the stove and had been protected by the bulk of the stove. None of us were injured. My couch was not quite that lucky. It was the only causality but in honesty it had seen better days even before the explosion.

I realize that God’s providence went before us protecting us when we did not know we needed to be protected. I am very grateful and a bit humbled at His protective hand. Now if I can just coax my sheepdog out from under the bed and convince her that all is well.

“Let them know that it is your hand, that you, O LORD, have done it.” Psalm 109:27

Just Connie

Today I am babysitting. It has really been enjoyable. My great nephew is 4 and he is a delight to spend time with. I do not often get the chance and when I do I always have fun.

We have tried to stay busy today. One of the things we did was to make puppets . He now has a set of six animal puppets to play with for a while. Right now they are all lined up on the table by his bed. It is really cute. We have played games and watched movies and put puzzles together. In other words just enjoyed each other immensely.

It has reminded me that I do not often get the chance to spend with young children anymore. I miss it. I miss their love of play and their creativity and their enthusiasm. I think being around children keeps us young at heart.

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him." Psalm 127:3

I think I need more of this in my life.

Just Connie

Building Friends

I have had a handful of really close friends over the years. Some of them have passed away and some have moved away (physically or emotionally). Over the past year I have really grieved over my lack of friends. You know the kind of heart friends that you can laugh with and cry with…. the kind of friends that will tell you when you are wrong and still love you anyway.

I made a commitment a few months ago to do my best to begin to build some deep relationships. Now, I am slowly building some friends. I have found people that I can be myself with and people that are willing to share their lives with me openly. That is a rare and precious gift. I will never take that for granted.

Tonight I had the opportunity to spend some time with friends that are growing into heart friends. I am so very thankful for them and for the encouragement and joy that they add to my life. I only hope that I am type of friend to them as well.

“But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit.” Jude 1:20

Just Connie

Still Battling

I am still fighting a sense of discouragement. I have chastised myself and prodded myself and I still feel it lurking in the quiet moments. All day long it has been a drain on my energy. Tonight I find that I am exhausted and headachy. I am certain that the two are related.

I made myself go and meet with the prayer team tonight. That was good. It forced me to look beyond myself and my problems. They also prayed for me and that was truly a blessing and I am very thankful. But yet here I sit sad and tired.

I think these emotions I am feeling are a normal part of ministry. We are on the front lines and so often the fire is directed right at us. Just like the “friendly fire” I got last night. I think I need to keep moving ahead and keep making healthy choices for myself. I cannot allow myself to pull back and isolate myself because it hurts.

I think I have some deep water to wade through in the days ahead. You know, I still want an easy button.

“(I will give) my attention to prayer and the ministry of the word." Acts 6:4

Just Connie

Battle Woes

I am disgruntled. I do not like this feeling at all. I am not mad …. but I am definitely uncomfortable. There is even a little bit of hurt mixed into it. I guess it is a jumble of several emotions.

It began with a conversation in a meeting. They were hemming and hawing and I finally said, “Go ahead and just say it if it needs to be said”. But what was said, was about me. I was really surprised but I did not say so. I just smiled and let people talk.

But here I sit at home, still trying to sort it all out in my mind. I am feeling a bit discouraged though I keep reminding myself that this a normal part of ministry. I wish it wasn’t. I know that there are bound to be growing pains as the congregation gets to know me and we begin to make some changes. I just wish that things were more clearly defined. I realize that is not possible in a time of transition, but I still want it.

I want to make sure that I do not let my ego get involved. I think that all of my hurt and disgruntlement needs to be laid down on the altar. This is not something I can afford to carry around. I will try to adjust to what I cannot change. I will strive to build healthy relationships. I will serve where God puts me ... in whatever capacity He sets me in.

You know I sure wish there was an easy button.

“This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.” 2 Chronicles 20:15

Just Connie

Sunday Activities

It has really been a busy, busy day. Sundays are often bush, but today was extra busy.

It began with teaching Sunday School. (which I love by the way) We have been studying Proverbs and there has really been good discussion. It is always a challenging class. The other pastors are in it as well as two retired clergy and our Quiz Master. So Bible discussion is in depth and vital. It is very energizing.

Next was worship service. I was preaching again today. It was the last of my series on Philippians 3:12-16. It was a good service. I learn so much every time I preach. I only hope that others learn as well.

After the service I had a line of people to see me. Problems, illnesses advice and it took me a while to bow out gracefully. Then I ran home, changed my clothes and headed to Burlington to see my mom and dad. It was mom’s birthday so the whole clan gathered to celebrate with her. It was chaotic and wonderful. The house was full of my relatives. It is always good when we get together.

I left earlier than I wanted because I needed to stop at the hospital and visit a parishioner. The visit filled me with concern. it has been a long haul for him and tonight he was very weak and tired.

Then I jumped back in the car and headed to home. It is on the two hour drive back home that I usually start wishing Willamina was closer to my family. But it is what it is and the long drives give me time to think. Sometimes more thinking than I would prefer. Tonight was one of those nights.

But I am home now, I have the dogs settled for the night and I am sitting in the recliner watching TV. Bubba Bunny is tearing around the room showing off for us since we have been gone all day. Tonight it is very good to be home.

“If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it” Matthew 10:13

Just Connie

Helping Friends

I helped some friends today. They had butchered a steer and today was the day to cut and wrap 650 pounds of beef. So I went to lend a hand and willing spirit to the project. It was an amazing process. They have done this over and over again and have it honed into a smooth seamless process.

I really enjoyed working alongside them as we cut, trimmed, ground and wrapped the meat. I grew up skinning deer and wrapping meat in my grandparents store, so I was no stranger to the process. I am also blessed to not have a queasy disposition for things like that.

So at the end of the day, we had a very satisfying amount of wrapped meat that will feed many families over the year to come. I even came home with much more beef than I probably earned. It looks pretty good in my mostly empty freezer. I also have a very happy dog at home since I brought her home a big leg bone to chew on.

There is great satisfaction in working in harmony with people you love. It has been a good day.

“Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” Proverbs 31:31

Just Connie

Autumn Thoughts

Fall is one of my favorite times of year. I love to stand outside with the leaves swirling around me, lift my face to the autumn breeze and just breathe in the scents. The myriad colors of the leaves and the ever changing color of the sky never fail to lift my spirits.

To me autumn is not so much about the death of summer it is all about renewal and change. It brings the promise of new life just around the corner. It is a reminder for me that the changes in my own life will bring renewal as well.

This is a season of my life. It will not last forever. The grief and sadness will pass in time. God has walked with me this far and he will not give up on me now.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Spring is around the corner.

Just Connie

Friendship That Matters

I have been very thankful for friends today. The past week has left some wounded places in my heart. I smile and go on, but the hurt is there under the surface. I can feel it draining my energy and leading me into sadness in quiet moments.

Today I had a friend call me. It was nice to touch bases with her, but she probed under the bright surface I presented to what was underneath. It was painful, it was wonderful and it was just what I needed. She gave me the chance to not only talk openly and honestly but validated what I was feeling. I felt like a huge load was lifted off of me.

Another friend chatted with me on Facebook and shared what I meant to her. It lifted my spirits and let me know that I am no the right track. I have value and worth to the people around me.

Both of these women took the time to just reach out and love me. I needed both of them and they gave unstintingly of themselves. What a precious gift that is. Their friendship matters to me. It changes me and helps me be more than I can be on my own. I cannot express what those moments meant to me. I feel new energy, focus and purpose. I can do anything with friends like this alongside of me.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” Hebrews 10:24

Just Connie

Today''s Challenges

In the life of every pastor there are those days which challenge and stretch us. Today was one of those days. I knew I would be playing catch up at the office after being gone for three days for the planning retreat, but today was one things after another.

It started with a front page story in the newspaper about of one of my parishioners. The story was of a horrible crime he had been arrested for. The family will need a lot of support in the days ahead and I can see that it will stretch me in many ways.

That was followed up by a visit from a community member who had serious concerns about a family member. I was challenged to both see the path through that potential mine field and to best determine the appropriate follow-up.

I waded through all of that and headed home. There I found a baby shower invite from my ex-husband’s wife who is planning the shower for my son and his girlfriend. I have to admit that I was flooded with jealousy. She is planning a shower for a girl that my son has not even bothered to introduce to me. I have never met her. I was hurt, I was jealous and then I was angry with myself for feeling what I was feeling.

I am still fighting the last of the sinus/ear infection. I have been on antibiotics for 5 days and I am better but still tired and headachy. I do not have the answers, the energy or the temperament tonight to face one more problem. Luckily tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to meet the challenge.

I’m heading to bed.

“Even youths grow tired and weary” Isaiah 40:30

Just Connie

Separation Thoughts

I am a single trying to live in a world of couples. I forgot how very uncomfortable it can be. I was asked the dreaded question again today … “Are you married?” I am never quite sure what to say. I would love to have a graceful witty response. Instead I paused and said, “I’m separated”. It just sounded so stark and empty. I could tell that the other person did not quite know what to say. I smiled and changed the subject, wishing that I knew what to say.

There are those (especially in the church world) that find me suspect and outside of God’s will. I know that when I give out that information that often times I am diminished in their eyes, It seems that my skills, talents and heart does not outweigh the shame of a broken marriage.

I have to learn to stand against this feeling of false shame. I have not failed. I have not stepped outside of God’s will. My husband broke covenant with me … again and again. I need to really believe that and hold on to it or the careless words of judgmental people will distract me from God has called me to do. I guess it does not matter what others think. it matters what God thinks.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

I think ….. I need to go and think about it.

Just Connie

Sadness & Beauty

Sadness sneaked up on me today. It had been a good day and the staff and I had gotten a lot of planning done as we looked at the issue of pastoral care together. It was fun and energizing to lead them through the planning process.

As we finished up, we looked outside to see that the fog had cleared away and it was a beautiful evening. We decided it was time for a break and headed down to the beach together. It was glorious. The sun was shining bright and the ocean was peaceful. As we walked along the beach I soaked up the beauty and the peace around me. As I stood there and watched the gentle surf I was suddenly struck by my aloneness. I gazed around the beach and saw the couples and the families. I was swept by a feeling of sadness that there was no one to stand beside me. There was no one to walk down the beach and hold my hand. It was a lonely moment.

I stood there, felt the sadness and then straightened my shoulders and went and joined the others. I am trying to not stay for long in those moments. I am challenging myself to look for ways to connect with other people at those points of sadness. I do not think it is wrong to be sad, but I think it is unhealthy for me to not move from that moment.

So tonight though there was sadness, there was also beauty. There was also friendship and a great sense of peace. God knows my heart. He knows every tear and hurt of my heart. He will bring me through.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes." Revelation 21:4

Just Connie

Light Ahead

After 48 hours on antibiotics, I am finally beginning to feel better. I am so thankful for an end to this misery. I am so ready to feel better. But it has been a couple of days since I blogged.

Right now, I am on a staff planning retreat. I will spend the next couple of days with the other church staff looking at the months ahead and brainstorming some of the obstacles that we have come across. This is a wonderful opportunity to continue to meld our ministry team into a cohesive unit. We are all from such different backgrounds and experiences and yet here we are. At this place and time called to minister side by side.

I am getting excited about the months ahead. Excited to see what God will be doing at the church in the months ahead. Excited to see what God will be doing in the hearts and lives of His people. Even more excited to see what God will be doing in my life.

These past months have been so painful and so very difficult that it has been hard to look very far ahead. So much of my time has been spent in just trying to survive. But I can see light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train coming at me. It is the light of a new day and new hope. I think I am ready for it.

“I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.” Isaiah 42:16

Just Connie

Mine Field

I heard from my son tonight. I have not heard from him in months. Family relationships can be so complicated and difficult. Too often I feel like I am trying to walk blindfolded through a minefield when I talk to him. Tonight I stepped on a mine.

The explosion rocked me to the very core. He yelled at me, he cursed at me and he told me in no uncertain terms just what he thought. I am still shell shocked. He did apologize, which I appreciated but I have to admit that I am hurt.

He wants me to do something that I do not want to do, something that causes me great pain to even contemplate. He thinks I am completely unreasonable. I know that he has no understanding of how I feel and I do not feel that I can explain it to him.

That leaves us at an impasse and I do not know what to do. My heart hurts tonight and I do not know where to step next. I am praying for wisdom and the courage to do what ever God asks me to do.

“For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul” Proverbs 2:10

Just Connie

Head Cold - Day 9

I pretended I was well today. I got up and went and worked at the church. I even went to meetings, had dinner with friends and tried real hard to pretend that I was not sick. But by tonight, my head was aching, I was coughing and everything in me was screaming, “Go to bed, you are sick!”

So I am curled up on the bed with the remote control, the dogs and my laptop. I have taken my cold medicine and I am ready to feel better. I actually was ready about a week ago but this is my reality. So I will lay low tonight and try to get a good night’s sleep and wake up ready to work in the morning.

“I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.” Psalm 3:5

Just Connie

Head Cold - Day 8

Today the cold I am fighting is winning. This is the only day I can give to the battle, so I am determined to win the war. Colds are a miserable illness. They can hang around for weeks and keep you from really feeling well. This one has finally gotten to the point that it is miserable. No one should have this much mucus anywhere in your body. It just is not right.

So today I have been laying low, taking cold meds and trying to sleep this out. I am hoarse, I am coughing and …. well the cold is winning.

But tomorrow is another day. I am going to take some more meds, take a hot shower and go to bed with a mindless novel. It sounds like a perfect evening. I just wish I felt better for it.

“Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better." John 11:12

Just Connie

Head Cold Day 7

I’m sick. My ongoing head cold took a nasty turn today. It feels like my head is a big echoing drum. It throbs and I am tired, achy and …. well I guess the best way to say it is sick.

I came home mid day and slept on the couch with the dogs today in front of the fire. Tonight I am curled up on the bed with the dogs watching TV. I have not accomplished much today at all. Unless sleeping counts. I have done that pretty well.

Sigh …. I do not like being sick. I want to be done with it. But like most of life, getting better is a process that I just have to walk through. So I am laying low trying to drink plenty of fluids and just rest.

"A man's spirit sustains him in sickness" Proverbs 18:14

I think it is time to take some more cold meds, drink something warm and see if there are any good movies on TV tonight. Healing will come in time.

Just Connie

Veggie Fair Laughter

I laughed tonight. In fact I laughed and laughed and then laughed some more. It was such a fun and wonderfully silly evening.

It was the church Veggie Fair, where we celebrated all things vegetable. We brought veggie dishes to share, decorated veggies and just enjoyed being with each other,

One of the games we played was to compose veggies songs and poems at our tables and perform them. My table wrote a song to the tune of “Heartbreak Hotel”. Well, you can imagine any song that begins with …. “Since my veggie left me” would have us all giggling. But we belted it out in true Elvis style and entertained everyone with our silliness.

I have spent so much time weeping in the past months that it feels especially good to lift my head and laugh. I think that God is healing my heart and in time there will be much more laughter than tears. Tonight I am very thankful for friends and fellowship and laughter. I am thankful for the proof of my healing floating in the air with the sounds of my laughter.

“Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh” Luke 6:21

Just Connie

Learning Lessons

I had a blessing today. it was an incredible, unexpected, wonderful blessing. At 8:00 this morning two friends showed up ready to work. they headed up to the roof and swept all the moss off the roof, cleaned out the gutters and finished painting the fascia boards.

I have to tell you that I just about sat down and cried. I was so surprised and so completely overwhelmed. I never expected people to come and help me for no particular reason, expect they knew that I needed help.

They were here for 3 hours and got an incredible amount of work done. I can never thank them enough for their gift of time, brawn and self. I am trying to think of a good way to convey my thanks to them.

As much as I loved and appreciated their help. I have to tell you that it was also hard to accept the help. There was a part of me that kept saying, “You should be doing this yourself. You should not be bothering other people to do your work.” But the truth is I do need their help. And it is helping me in more than just the physical work. It is helping me understand the beauty of being helped and ministered to. It is time to lay down false pride and learn the joy of being served.

I am thankful for what I am learning but I wish sometimes that learning was a easier. But I know that the lessons will be worth it.

“I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching” Proverbs 4:2

Just Connie

Stepping Forward

I had company for lunch today. Company has been rare at my house over the past 10 years. First because of Gerrald and his drinking and secondly because of the upheaval of his leaving and my adjustment with it all. I feel like I am beginning to climb out of a dark hole. Life has moment so normalcy that is incredible to experience. Today was one of those moments.

We ate lunch on the deck and talked and talked. We enjoyed the critters and talked some more. It was a wonderful time. We did not do anything earth shattering, we just enjoyed being together and sharing our life experiences with each other.

I realized that I have really missed having people in my home. I think I am going to reach out and invite more people to come and spend time with me. I think it will be very good for me on so many levels. It is time to spend more time on relationships and less time brooding on my own.

I think there will still be those up and down times for me, but today was a good step forward.

“If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm” Psalm 37:23

You know …. I could use some of that delight.

Just Connie

The Letter

I got a letter from my husband today. I opened the letter with anticipation and dread. I had no idea what to expect from it. I kept telling myself to not expect too much, too soon.

The letter was positive and optimistic. That was good to hear. It also spoke clearly of his desire to live for Christ, one day at a time. That is what I wanted to hear more than anything. I am thrilled that he is growing and learning. He also stated that he is till sorting things out. I think that is a very good thing as well.

As I sat down and framed a reply, I found that I was really struggling to say the right things. Things that would not give the wrong impression or imply a future that will not happen. There is so much water under the bridge. In fact it is an immense flood of abandonment, lies, abuse and heartache.

Tonight I will try to keep the right balance. I will rejoice for Gerrald’s new found sobriety and his walk with Christ. I will also keep in mind that this does not erase the past. That past stretches as a vast gulf between us. That really saddens me. I do not see the possibility of a bridge across the past at this point.

I do not trust in me, but I trust in God. I will not walk where I want to walk, but I choose to walk the path God is calling me to. I will look beyond what I have lost and focus on what I have gained. This is not the end.

“Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths” Psalm 25:4

Just Connie

Injured Reserves

* internet went down last night so here is yesterday’s posting*

Over a month ago, I saved my sheep dog from strangling. It was very scary. I found her in the woods and she had gotten a branch stuck through her collar. In her panic, she had flipped around and twisted until her collar became a tourniquet. When I found her she was barely breathing. I immediately tried to lift her off the branch. I could not lift her high enough. You know 120 pounds of fur is really heavy! I tried four times to do it, I can remember sobbing with frustration at my own weakness and limitations. Finally my brain over rode my panic and I lifted her high enough to take some of the tension off her collar and was finally able to unbuckle it.

She soon recovered, me ... well not so much. In rescuing her I pulled a muscle in my arm. Over the past month it has complained and slowly grown increasingly painful. When I realized that I could no longer push down on my hair spray with my right hand I finally decided that I needed to go have it looked at. So I trekked off to the doctor yesterday.

I am a Kaiser Permenente member. My experiences with them have run the gamut from the sublime to the ridiculous. I got there with 15 minutes to spare only to be told that they had canceled my appointment! I told them that I had just driven 40 minutes into town for this appointment. So they spent 15 minutes trying to find someone who could fit me it. They finally got the nurses station to agree to look at me. The nurse came in and took all my vitals, looked at my arm, took my history and said, “Wow, I think this needs to be looked at.” So she spent 30 minutes trying to find a doctor who would agree to see me. When she found one she sent me back to the lobby to check in to see the doctor. (Kaiser is all about waiting in lines)

The upshot is that within another 30 minutes I was waiting to see a real live doctor. My primary care doctor was not in (I was glad, he has the personality of a kumquat) but someone else said they would fit me in. When he came in he poked and prodded and tested and said, “You have really abused those tendons”. I explained the circumstances of my injury and he asked, “Was it worth it?” I immediately stated, “It was to me.” He laughed and shared it would have been worth it to him too.

The outcome was that I now I have a diagnosis of tennis elbow. (I have not played tennis in 30 years) It is nice to have such an elegant injury. I am on anti-inflammatories for 2 weeks and I have been ordered to physical therapy. So all in all, it was a successful trip to town, though frustrating at times. I really liked the doctor who treated me and I am wondering if I could change my primary care doctor?

“I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak” Ezekiel 34:16

So as my doctor informed me, “I am on the injured reserves for 2 weeks.” But I believe in God’s healing inside and out and two weeks can bring a lot of healing.

Just Connie

Head Cold

I have a head cold. I have been trying to ignore it for the last couple of days, but there comes that point in time when you can no longer ignore it. It is all too obvious. Today I began to take cold medicine. Hopefully I will shake it before it really settles in. Sigh …. in the words of my daughter …. colds suck!

I got another coat of paint on the house today. That will cover most of what I can reach. I am not sure whether to attempt the stuff I cannot reach or wait until next s[ring before I tackle it. I know that I can borrow a taller ladder, but I am unsure whether I can move the ladder around by myself. It is another reminder that like colds, being alone sucks!

Okay … I have all of that out of my system now. I guess I am tired, kind of crummy feeling and obviously cranky. So I think it is a good night to take some more cold medication, meditate on a good scripture and head to bed.

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” Job 8:21

Just Connie

Heart Learning

I met with friends tonight for movies and dinner. It was absolute chaos. Wonderful and exuberant but total chaos. I think that sometimes chaos is good for us. I think that it was good for me.

I wish I could shake the edge of sadness that I can feel around me right now. Even things I enjoy are colored by that sadness. For the last few days it has been lurking there in the back ground. and sometimes jumping all too prominently to the foreground.

My mind says that it takes time, my heart says, “I want to be fixed right now”. I feel broken. I keep reminding myself that I am not wrong or bad in what I am feeling. It is just …. how I am feeling. That is not wrong it just …. is.

So tonight I will just try to be where and what I am. I will keep pushing myself to make healthy choices and try to not isolate myself. But I will not beat myself up for feeling sad.

I am learning, I think perhaps I need to let my heart lead the way.

“I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw” Proverbs 24:32

Just Connie

Waiting For The Light

There are days like today when it is very hard to leave church by myself. It is harder still, to drive into an empty garage and yet even harder to walk into an empty house.

I felt the first tug of sadness as I watched all the families and couples getting in their cars. But I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders and purposefully thought of what I would make for lunch.

The second wave of sadness came as I turned into the driveway and looked at the empty garage. After 10 months it still makes me sad to drive into the garage and not see my husband’s truck in driveway. It is a totally irrational response, but there it is anyway.

The third wave came as I struggled in the door with briefcase, bags and papers by myself and stood in the very empty house. Those first moments are often hard for me for some reason. But I tried to not linger in that moment and bustled around and put things away.

My husband has been on my mind, probably because of his phone call this weekend. I have been thinking about our relationship and how much I miss the good days. In hind sight the good days are rather hard to define and I am unsure how much of what I thought was true was actually real, but I miss the man I thought I had married.

I am trying hard to see things objectively, but I am not objective. I am sad and lonely. I keep reminding myself that the “good days” are surrounded by the horrendously horrible days and I need to always remember that.

I know that my healing is a process but tonight I wish the process was done and I could move beyond this sadness. I am confident that I will emerge through this wiser and stronger, but how I wish that it was now.

“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear” Isaiah 58:8

I am ready for the light to break forth.

Just Connie

Phone Call

Being married to an alcoholic is an education. Much of it has been an education that I never wanted, but I have to admit that it has taught me stuff.

I have learned to depend on myself and found an independence that I could never have imagined. I have learned new depths and a strength of character that I would not have known I could have. Conversely, I have also learned what it is like to live in fear, to be in need, to be heartsick, disgusted and lonely.

Today he called. I have not heard from him in about a month and a half. The last time I talked to him he was …. well drunk. Today he sounded more like the man I married. It was the first time I have seen a glimpse of that man in almost a year. He just called to briefly let me know that he was doing okay and would be sending me a letter.

I was glad to know that he was doing well. I was even more glad to know that he was still in rehab. I think he will have a long hard road ahead of him. I guess at this point the best thing I can do for him is to keep praying.

“Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth” Psalm 54:2

I think I also need to pray for me. I do not want anger or bitterness to creep in. I want my heart to stay loving, my motives pure and my focus on Christ.

I think there is a lot to pray about.

Just Connie

Football Friends

I went to a high school football game tonight. I had not been to one since I was in high school. I went because the neighbor boys were playing in the pep band. They are incredibly talented musicians and I liked having the chance to see them play in a larger setting.

The game was … well the home team got stomped. That is never fun. but all in all I enjoyed it. The air was crisp and there was a mist that floated in and it really felt like fall. It was fun to sit and talk and just enjoy being with people I like.

I am really coming to a new appreciation of friendship and how important it is to my overall health and well being. I am working hard to accept invitations and to try to reach out to people when I am feeling lonely and isolated. Some days I do better than other days. But it is a learning experience. (That is “pastoral speak” for “excruciatingly hard”)

But I think I am learning and growing day by day. I just need to keep focused. God has good things for me. I just need to keep moving forward. I need to do less looking back and more looking ahead.

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” Philippians 3:13

I will never reach my potential in Christ, if I do not keep moving ahead. It is time to run.

Just Connie

Bike Ride

A cute guy asked me to go on a bike ride today. It had been one of those days. I was headachy and tired and just couldn’t seem to get motivated to do much of anything. Then there was a knock on the door and there stood the cute guy. It was actually the 8th grader who lives up the hill. He pops in every once in a while and helps me. He has been a real blessing to me over the past 10 months.

Today, I decided that it would be good for me to get out in the fresh air for a while. So I hopped on my bike and we rode down the hill. Eeek! I think I need to check the brakes on my bike. It really wanted to go faster than I was comfortable with. When I say faster …. I mean hurtling down the hill like a scud missile. But I made it down in one piece and I followed my young friend throughout Willamina. It made me laugh. We rode through football practice, we rode around the old high school. We rode down sidewalks and right through the middle of town.

I really was feeling very confident and happy as we pedaled around town. About the time I was patting myself on the back for my riding skills, Marc, who was riding in front of me fell. I would love to say that I expertly rode around him but the truth is that I ran into him and fell on top of him. It is amazing that he lived through it. I laid there and started laughing. We were all tangled up with the bikes and neither one of us could hardly move. But we finally wiggled around enough that we could untangle ourselves and nobody was hurt. (Except for my dignity)

So we headed back through town and up the hill. (I pushed my bike up) I found myself humming as I put my bike away. My headache was gone and I realized that I was feeling pretty good.

How glad I am that Marc came by and took me bike riding. It is not what I thought I wanted to do, but it is what I needed to do. it is a good reminder that so often what we need will stretch us.

“He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.” Job 9:8

You know with all of the stretching I have experienced over the last 10 months you would think I would be a lot taller.

Just Connie