Today has been difficult. On so many levels, it has just been a challenging day. I feel like I am wrestling with an octopus. I grab an arm of the monster and attempt to control it only to be attacked by a multitude of other arms. Much of the day I have felt like the octopus is winning.
I came to a decision about the name change. I am not going to change it at this time. It is just too overwhelming to me … too painful. Even though my husband asked it of me, I just cannot face it right now. I can change my name at any time I do not have to be pressured into a decision right now. It still takes my breath away to think about it. So for a while I am going to try to not think about it.
With that decision made I left the name change box on the forms blank and headed to the courthouse. I then paid my filing fees and handed the courthouse clerk all of the papers for the legal separation. Tomorrow I will send the papers on to be served to my husband in Colorado. In a little over 30 days everything should be final.
It is amazing how so many months of pain and agonizing decisions can be summed up in a few papers. It just does not express the hurt and the overwhelming feeling of failure that I am experiencing. The octopus raises up and wraps its arms around me, threatening to pull me down into the dark depths.
"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46
There is a streak of stubborness in me. I do not want to live in this darkness. I refuse to give in to the Octopus. I will not be defined and limited by this loss. I will find the strength and the will to go on. In fact, people eat Octopus don't they? Who wants some sushi?
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