Today my husband called. What he said stunned me. He wants me to legally take my maiden name when the separation papers are filed tomorrow. I just sat there and sobbed. I could not even form the words for a reply. He finally said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” How could that not hurt me? It is the name he put as an umbrella of protection over me when we were married. But in reality I guess that umbrella was thrown away a long time ago.
The sheer logistics of going through a name change are mind boggling to me. Professionally everyone knows me as Connie Crawford Lain. Both in the Rescue Ministry and the other pastors in the Free Methodist Church know me by the same. The media all know me as Connie Crawford Lain as do my co-workers. Even in the small things such as my business cards and even the web site name for my blog. It is ConnieCrawfordLain.blogspot.com It is one more thing. My bank accounts … well it just goes on and on.
But more than anything this name change feels like a very public announcement of my failure. It screams to everyone I meet that my marriage failed. I have not even told my co-workers that I am separated. It is humiliating and with the name change it would never stop. Every time that I introduced myself, every time that I signed my name, it would be there for everyone to see. Failure, worthless, unlovable.
I am surprised at the depth of my emotion over this issue. The others I have talked to do not understand why this distresses me so deeply. Most of them say, “Good you don’t want his name anyway.” But I guess I do. In my mind I still see that handsome man waiting for his bride under the arbor on my wedding day.
Somehow I need to balance that memory with the memory of a raging drunk backing me in a corner or going to pick him up at the police station or waking up with a concussion after he had dropped me on my head or standing before the church and telling them he had left again. …. yet in spite of it all I still see the gentle handsome man who used to love me.
This grieves me and I have no answers. I do not know what to do. I am filled with a bleak hurt that is paralyzing.
My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Psalm 6:3-4
Just Connie
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