I think I am broken. Much of the time I try to ignore it but then I notice that I am “limping” … the brokenness just leaks through regardless of my bravado.
I have been turning it over in my mind today. My husband and my marriage has been on my mind since my father in law called. I have been reflecting on the broken marriage covenant, the violence, the fear and then the loneliness of the past 11 months. That reflection makes me sad and uneasy.
I am also feeling the sting of rejection and judgment. It is always there lurking under the knowing smiles. I am weighed and found wanting because of my husband’s choices. There seems to be an underlying assumption that if I had been a better wife, if I had followed God’s will, if I was spiritually where I should be, I would not find myself where I am today.
In addition I find that I am still so grieved over Gerrald’s choices, grieved over my inability to help him and grieved over my own sadness and loss. That grief colors my days and disturbs my nights.
I do not want to live broken. I do not think God wants me to stay broken. But it has been 11 months and I am still ….. broken. I keep reminding myself that healing is a process. But tonight I am tired of the brokenness. And though there is value in the process of healing, I want the process to be finished.
“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear” Isaiah 58:8
I am ready for the light to break forth. I am confident that dawn is coming. I just need to keep my eyes on the horizon.
Just Connie
No comments:
Post a Comment