I got scared today. Deeply paralyzingly and completely scared. It started out innocently enough. I went into the kitchen to get something to drink and there in the middle of the kitchen floor was a mouse. At first I thought it was dead, then it moved. Immediately my adrenalin production went into overdrive. I jumped back and hovered about 5 feet away from the mouse. I could not bring myself to get any closer to it.
I told myself that my fear was irrational and the mouse was obviously dying. I told myself to toughen up and do what what needed to be done. I even pointed out to myself that I was all alone and I needed to learn to do these things for myself. I finally was brave enough to grab a mixing bowl and drop it over the top of the mouse to contain it. But now I had a bowl in the middle of the kitchen floor and I could not bring myself to touch it. For two hours I manoeuvred around that bowl.
I finally admitted to myself that I was defeated. Defeated by a dying mouse that turned me into a shaking sweating frightened wuss. I picked up the phone and called my friend and fellow Pastor Clair. With deep embarrassment I told him of my problem and he came and disposed of the very dead mouse.
I have to admit to being chagrined that the mouse defeated me. I want to be strong and fearless and to be self reliant. Instead I found out I was a stereo-typical woman running shrieking in fear from the mouse. I am not sure that I like this about myself, but I do not know how to change it. Perhaps I will just have to accept it. I think I will call my mom and tell her about the killer mouse with 10 inch fangs that attacked me in the kitchen. If I cannot change me, then perhaps I can change the story.
"I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling." 1 Corinthians 2:3
Just Connie
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