I married a cowboy ... a Texan cowboy to be specific. Cowboy things were part of our lives. Rodeos and all things cowboy surrounded us. After my husband was gone, all of the cowboy things made me sad to look at. So one day I finally decided to "de-cowboy" the house. Over the years I have slowly made the house mine, in decor and colors.
Today I found myself standing outside the Western store, needing to go in to look for a hat for the parade ... but strangely reluctant to go in. Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and went inside. As I wandered around the store I was flooded anew with a great sense of loss. I grabbed a hat that fit and fled to the checkout line.
Those unexpected moments of grief and loss still surprise me. There is so much about my life that I really like. I like the freedom of making my own choices, I like living without the constant presence of fear and I like being surrounded by friends who love and support me. But yet those moments still come.
I think the only thing I can do is to "feel the feelings" and just let it be what it is. There is pain at what I lost even though I can recognize what I have gained. That is not a bad thing ... in fact I have a feeling that it will be a thing that will grow me in ways that I cannot even begin to understand.
The very nature of growth requires change and pain. So .... I must be heading in the right direction.
Just Connie
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