My daughter and her boyfriend came for lunch today. I love spending time with them, they are both wonderful people. But I have to admit that today did not go quite as I had expected.
After lunch my daughter wanted to go through old family videos. I was amazed at how painful it was to me. I had not watched any of them in over a decade. They were images from another lifetime ago and yet the pain they stirred up felt fresh and new.
As I watched, I saw a family that seemed so normal and so happy. But I watched the happy faces and wondered how much of it was true and real. I know that I thought it was real with every fiber of my being. But I thought everything was wonderful right up until the moment when my husband handed me a letter and went sailing out the door.
When my husband left in many ways he stole my memories from me. I had no way to differentiate what was real and what was not. When he put he his arm around me, did he love me? Or even like me? As I watched the images on the screen today my heart hurt for the life that was lost. The life that was so carelessly thrown away by a selfish man.
I still feel guilt and loss after all of these years, the videos reminded me of that today. I think I need to see this as an opportunity to continue to heal and seek God's path through the pain. I think it is time to sort out real guilt from false guilt.
I think that I have some thinking to do.
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart; in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience" Hebrews 10:22
Just Connie
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