There are days like today when it is very hard to leave church by myself. It is harder still, to drive into an empty garage and yet even harder to walk into an empty house.
I felt the first tug of sadness as I watched all the families and couples getting in their cars. But I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders and purposefully thought of what I would make for lunch.
The second wave of sadness came as I turned into the driveway and looked at the empty garage. After 10 months it still makes me sad to drive into the garage and not see my husband’s truck in driveway. It is a totally irrational response, but there it is anyway.
The third wave came as I struggled in the door with briefcase, bags and papers by myself and stood in the very empty house. Those first moments are often hard for me for some reason. But I tried to not linger in that moment and bustled around and put things away.
My husband has been on my mind, probably because of his phone call this weekend. I have been thinking about our relationship and how much I miss the good days. In hind sight the good days are rather hard to define and I am unsure how much of what I thought was true was actually real, but I miss the man I thought I had married.
I am trying hard to see things objectively, but I am not objective. I am sad and lonely. I keep reminding myself that the “good days” are surrounded by the horrendously horrible days and I need to always remember that.
I know that my healing is a process but tonight I wish the process was done and I could move beyond this sadness. I am confident that I will emerge through this wiser and stronger, but how I wish that it was now.
“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear” Isaiah 58:8
I am ready for the light to break forth.
Just Connie
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